I had such a wonderful night. The photo is crap, but i had shane's point and shoot and i'm not a point and shoot girl. Band of Horses was great. I had tears in my eyes the whole way through. It was beautiful to hear the words live. They were actually better when we saw them a couple years ago in a small club, they seemed a little lost in the larger venue.
We went out for dinner first and shane took this picture of me to make fun of my "girl crush" on the singer.
Beck was amazing. So polished and energetic. And teeny. We escaped out a side door right as the show ended and Beck ran right in front of us onto his tour bus. He was about four foot nothing and one hundred pounds wet. But, an amazing artist. Totally worth the ringing in my ears today.
When i said yesterday that i couldn't promise shane a future, i didn't mean that i didn't want to make that promise. I have promised him that i will be his, always. What i meant was that i can't see a future that doesn't exist yet. We are working to that future. We still have two houses to combine into one, we still have lots of healing and talking to do, we still have to get new rings. But, i can look in his eyes and thank god that i have been forgiven.
People have asked me how the kids are doing. They are doing amazingly well. Amazingly well considering the complete upheaval their lives have taken this year. They have their mommy and daddy back under one roof. What is happening under that roof is stressful. There are painters, carpet layers, cleaners, landscapers; all making their house into a different house. All of their worldly belongings have been hauled off to a storage locker in the name of "staging" this house.
The realtor comes this afternoon to put the house on the market. If we are lucky it will sell fast. The house we bought didn't pass the building inspection and so we had to let it go. We were all so sad about that. We pictured ourselves in that house, had picked out bedrooms and planned where furniture would go. We saw a vision of a happy future there. It was just another harsh reality for them that, sometimes, no matter how hard you wish for it, the future is uncertain.
They just want some certainty. We all do.
Shane wants a promise that i will always be here, i will always walk hand in hand beside him. I want that too. But, one can't predict all the twists and turns life may take.
Tonight i am going to see my very favourite band in the world. Band of Horses have been the soundtrack that plays in my head for the past year. When i was struggling to regain mental clarity, to give up psychiatric medications, to not be sad all the time – Band of Horses was the music i played over and over in my head as i fought to place one foot in front of the other. Plus, if i was allowed to have a "list" the singer would take spots one through five.
When i was single working nights was perfect. Days with the kids, nights at work.
It's more complicated now. Trying to fit in time for everything is nearly impossible. And before you ask; no, i'm not quitting my job. Working is something i love to do. I love having money that i earn. I love getting out of the house. We love the dual incomes. Anyway, in our year apart shane and i both got used to a schedule that included a few days a week without the kids where we could recharge and feel like adults. It's really the only positive thing i can say about single parenting – shared custody. Obviously i usually missed them the moment they were gone and felt like half a person, but now that i don't have that time? I'm exhausted.
Shane and i don't even see each other four days a week. He leaves early in the morning and arrives home after i've left for work. I am usually home around midnight, long after he's gone to sleep. Sometimes i wake him up and we have quiet conversations in bed until i fall asleep exhausted.
It is a mixed bag. There is definitely that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" aspect to it all. But, it is also difficult as we are in such a fragile place in our relationship right now and really need to spend time together to reconnect and heal. When we have a great conversation then don't see each other for a few days there is a two steps back feeling.
Throwing into the mix the purchase of a new home, selling his and general life drama we are doing amazingly well.
School starts in a few short weeks and i am sad. This summer has gone by in a whirlwind of working, camping, lakeside fun and beginning fresh.
We have packed up most of our two households and made many runs to the dump, the recycling, the salvation army and a storage locker. On thursday night we closed on a new home, each of us contributing fifty percent of the down payment. Equal partners.
Tomorrow i will go and enroll the kids in new schools.
My life has this theme of constant change. I am tired of it. I am hopeful that this move will be our last for a very long time. That we will be happy as a family again.
Shane and i have had an amazing month together. It has been painful and hard, but open and honest. We know how the problems started, we know about mistakes that were made. Now we just have to learn how to keep on this positive track together. It's not all a bunch of roses. There have been minor setbacks and some angry words passed. All of these things happen because we care. We care about each other and we care about ourselves.
We are terrified of ever going through another year like this. There are moments of trepidation and fear. There are moments of anger and resentment. There are many moments of quiet contentment.
