you throw hope up in the air...
From the monthly archives:
I'm up!
Not really. I am bone weary tired after eight days of work. But, i got cash in my pocket and a plane ticket in my purse.
I am off like a dirty shirt. A dirty shirt that is grump and ragged and has no grand clothing plans.
Whatever.
I'm on my way. Again.
Healthy in mind and body.
I'm wishing me luck.
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My kids have been away for seven nights. In one more night they will return to me. I have enjoyed the break, but i've felt this part of me missing the whole time. The energy from my kids lifts me, inspires me. This week, if anything, has taught me how much they have enriched my life. Made it better.
Last night i worked a wedding. It was sad and beautiful and romantic. It made me sad because i saw this couple in their thirties combining their two families into one. Kids and all. They seemed so happy. So content and in love. I wish that i had been more careful with love. Realized what a great gift it is to have someone love you.
Love is a gift and you can only take advantage of it for so long before it is gone. And when love is gone, it is usually gone forever.
Through the night my good friend's grandmother passed away in her sleep. Of all the ways to go it seems the easiest, but who am i to say. I kind of want to know it's coming. Anyway, it's been a strange 24 hours. Last night my friend and i were dancing behind the bar in the restaurant, laughing and being silly. Then at the end of the night we sat and listened to a story of a failed attempt to propose. Then home, exhausted at 3am, thinking of marriage and divorce and love and lost love. And, this morning, back to work to hear of my friend's loss. It all seems so fragile. These tiny moments of life.
These tiny treasures that we are given.
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I had this ugly realization this morning. I am greedy.
It never really occurred to me. I always thought of myself as a giving and generous person. But, i have been greedy and i don't like this picture of me.
I think there is a certain need for greed. We need to take care of ourselves. As women and mothers we often put ourselves behind those that we love and take care of. Clothes and food, nurturing and love go to others first. At times it feels right to be this way. It feels like the natural order. Things are as they should be when everyone is taken care of, their needs satisfied.
I did that for so many years. Everybody first.
And then i changed all that. I put my needs first. I thought it was just for awhile, until i got back on my feet. But then, the months went by. Ten months actually. And i sat here this morning looking at the new outfit i bought to travel to san fransisco with me and the hair and thought i didn't deserve this. My kids deserve a holiday and time with me, yet here i am spending all my spare pennies on this trip. This trip that will probably cause me lots of anxiety and stress and, let's face it, the potential for additional income is so slim. Who wants to spend advertising dollars on a crazy single mom who doesn't really shop, believes in a less is more simple life, and lives on the cusp of poverty?
I'm not changing my mind about going. It's too late for that.
I'm not changing my mind about making my own needs important. I just feel the need to shift the scale back to balance, start taking care of the people i love and cherish a bit better.
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Things are going just fine without the kids. I've gotten in this zen of knowing they are okay and enjoying the break from babysitters and early mornings after late nights at work.
I spent several hours on the beach yesterday and came up with a beautiful and sad story that i think is the beginnings of my new novel. I don't think i'll save it for NaNoWriMo. I think i will start plugging away. It's exciting. Getting to be a speaker at BlogHer has invigorated me.
In previous years the days and weeks leading up to the conference had me worried about clothes and white teeth. This year i'll have none of that. P-shaw trivial worries. I'm just excited to get there. Embrace the chaos of the conference.
I feel on an upswing for no particular reason. Just happy to be alive and coming through, coming full circle.
My life is so far from perfect, but it is my little life.
I wish i had written more this year because i hardly remember a thing. This year, first year, post loss of marriage and the life i expected has been so very difficult. I can hardly give justice to the emotions that i have gone through. The complete heartbreak, guilt, shame, pride, exhaustion. Everything coming full circle on a daily basis. It has been so tiring. Just this bone weary tired. I never thought i could fight my way through a year like this, but i have.
And here i am, full circle. Off to the conference, healthy in mind and body – well healthier – and feeling ready to take it all in. This year i am not broken. I am healing. I am alone, yet loved in so many ways that were unimaginable to me in the past. I am just so grateful and thankful. Tonight i am happy.
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After eating my quota of stoned wheat thins and cream cheese with pomegranate jelly i feel a little rejuvenated after this long day of work, long week of work.
I am feeling silly, rambunctious, missing tonight.
I kissed my kids goodbye this afternoon as they head off on an adventure. An adventure that involves first flights on airplanes, family reunions that don't involve me and the longest time we have ever been apart. They are gone until a week tuesday. I am feeling the shock of losing these pieces of me. These little ties that have been bound to me for the past eleven years. I made frantic calls tonight about epipens and distances to hospitals; torn by the loss of control.
I have scheduled myself with lots of work while they are gone. Work and getting organized for BlogHer.
Did i tell you that i can't brush my teeth without feeling like i have to pee? What about those libraries? They make me feel a deep need too.
I am nervous about the conference. Won't you be nice to me? Come and see me speak.
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