I have learned so many things about my heart this year. How strong it is.
My heart can feel like it is breaking, literally falling out of my body. Tight and hot inside my chest. Pounding so hard and fast that I literally feel it jumping out of me, wondering when it will actually just split me wide open and fall out on the floor.
Sometimes it will be the small things. Speaking with one of the teenage kids at work about their experiences coming from a broken home. Trying to answer my kids questions. All the ??whys?? that come from their tiny mouths. Wondering if they can see my heart as I hold in the tears and force a smile.
Sometimes it?s the big things. Harsh and hurtful words coming in emails. Going to see lawyers and financial planners. Anxiety attacks in homes that have become unfamiliar to me, homes which were once mine, but are unfamiliar now. Employment which is unreliable. Babysitters that have better lives and jobs making more change and unfamiliarity in my home.
Other times my heart is strong.
Sometimes it?s friends. Flowers dropped off. Vegetable garden thriving, eating the first salad grown in my home.
Sometimes it?s the children. Pudgy, still pre-schooler hands rubbing my back in the morning. Daughters singing away, out of tune, listening to their new ipod. Sons yelling out ??I love you?? from their beds when they should be sleeping. Finally purchasing a kitchen table where we can all sit together and be a family.
I have learned that my heart is fluid. Moving from one end of the spectrum to the other. Always beating away, reminding me that I am alive. I am alive. I have love.
Tomorrow tristan turns 11 years old. Time has this annoying habit of flying by. My oldest daughter is a pride and joy.
I have spoken many times about how much i adored my time with her when she was a newborn. Truth be told i have enjoyed every single moment of her life. She has always been a pleasure to be around.
This year she has really grown and matured this year. Her sense of humour has continued to be this aura around her that draws people to her. She is always smiling and laughing when i see her with her friends. On two occasions this year she has gotten up in front of a large audience and performed magic tricks to the delight of everyone around her.
She has also become much more caring towards her siblings. Helping them when they need it and giving them a quiet hug or pat when they are feeling sad. She has even babysat for short periods of time.
This spring she has gone to sleep-away camp twice. Her first time doing anything like that. She leaped in with both feet and had a wonderful time. Joining the 4H sewing club has brought out her inner geekiness and she spends hours in her room sewing.
She has handled the separation of her father and i very well. In many ways it has been hardest on her as she has the maturity and intuition to really understand what is going on. She also had a stay-at-home mom for the longest and has helped in numerous way while we all adjust to our new lifestyle. She even makes my coffee in the morning when she knows i had an extra late night at work.
A couple weeks ago she had her first sex education class at school. I couldn't believe how mature she was about the whole thing, but then so happily childlike when i reassured her that puberty was probably still several years away for her. We are both not ready for that.
Oldest children, like middles and youngests, hold a very special place in the family. I need to remember not to expect too much of her as she forges all the new milestones for her siblings. I just adore her. I am so happy she is my daughter. She fills me with pride every single day.
I have been feeling fortunate. Fortunate for the good friends i have. I have said before that i don't have many. Friendship is difficult for me. But, more and more i have been trying to work a little harder on that part of my life.
My good friend Kelly nominated me for a Perfect Post.
Which is awesome. It's always nice, really nice, to feel a little bit of love.
Yesterday morning had a minor medical emergency which left me feeling very alone for a few moments until i called my friend. She rushed over, picked up my kids for school, took a moment to feel my forehead and give me a gentle smile. It was wonderful. Asking for help is always difficult. I find myself needing to do it more and more often. It makes me feel so warm and gooey inside.
And last week another friend did all my baking responsibilities for the school that i just didn't have the time to follow through on. Not only did she do that with three kids of her own, she also baked a couple dozen for my kids to have.
Another friend in vancouver has been there to listen to me on the phone. To send me lovely emails. She has known me a long time and we have had babies at the same time. Our lives have taken us in different directions, we have lost contact at times, but when we come back together it is always a wonderful feeling.
I am going through a very difficult time right now. These people understand. They understand without judgment, just support. I hold them all very close to my heart and i think of them when i need to feel a little better.
I have this feeling gnawing away at me from inside. I can't quite put my finger on what it is, but i know it's there. It's always there.
Something like waiting. Or perhaps it's longing.
I just want a normal life. Or, at least, to get used to the one i have. Stop hanging around, pedaling backwards, not moving forwards.
I suppose i am well. I am healthy. Mentally and physically. My heart is brittle right now. Not as resilient as it once was. Closing the door on my old life has left me feeling this myriad of emotions. Crushing despair to relief. All things in between.
I watch the flowers blooming outside. The butterflies dipping and diving in the lilac trees. The children laughing on the field. All of it should be filling me with joy. But instead, i have this thing, this feeling. This feeling that i have lost half of myself.