I'm coming up to one year since my suicide attempt last summer. I have come far in many ways, but i still have so far to go.
I had a small crisis last night. It's been an emotionally draining month. I let my mental health slide a little. It sort of creeps up on you – anxiety, depression, even sadness. You don't recognize the warning signs. Life just slowly gets a little grayer, a little harder.
I forgot more often than not to take my vitamins, i started driving to work instead of walking, staying up late with wine, fatigue, loss of concentration. All just a little at a time.
Last night i realized that dark thoughts were swirling in my head. It frightened me. I found help and i was grateful for it, but ashamed.
Ashamed that i can't be better. All better. It's what i want. I know it will never be that way. That i will always carry this with me. That i need to be constantly vigilant about my health. I need to always monitor my lifestyle. It's hard now that i am alone. There is no one to watch over me. No one to let me know when my steps are going backwards.
I am glad i had that crisis last night though. It made me realize that things were slipping. That i need to simplify my life. Try and reduce stress, as much as stress is controllable. I need to be healthy. More importantly, i want to be healthy.
One of the hardest, most stressful parts of my days is finding babysitters. Capable babysitters. I had a couple of really great ones, but they are in their 20's now and have better, more exciting ways to earn money. Like working at burger king.
My kids are not the easiest to look after. Toby and parker tend, rather often, towards the highly rambunctious passionate play. Play that often ends in tears, hitting and screaming. Eliza has this nut allergy that requires me to train new sitters how to identify an allergic reaction and administer epinephrine. Tristan is pretty much perfect, except for her propensity to stay up till midnight reading.
So, last night i finally found a sitter to try. A lovely girl. I was hopeful. I was relieved. I was skeptical.
Most days it takes everything i have to make it through the day without bursting into tears of frustration and getting the various chores of cooking, cleaning and laundry done.
Things were going well. I checked in at 9:30 and all was quiet and kids tucked in. At 10pm i had a table walk in, meaning i would be working for another two hours. At 10:23 the sitter called and flu fest had suddenly, without warning, struck my home. Eliza had thrown-up all over herself and her bed. Toby was moaning with a tummy ache. I was panicked. I really wanted to be there and make sure everything was okay. I remember as a child being sick around other people. It wasn't a nurturing feeling.
I had to plow through. Have faith they would be okay.
I ran into the house at midnight. And all was okay. They were sick, yes. But they were all snuggled on the couch together waiting for me to come and sort through the smelly sheets and tuck them back in. I kind of felt like a hero, a good mommy, for a few moments.
And now? Maybe i have a babysitter. (fingers crossed)
Camping was great as camping is want to be. The kids and i had a great time just being away from the rush of the school/work schedule.
I love the campsite we went to. It's perfect for kids – lots of freedom to spend days riding bikes, combing the beach for shells and lounging around the campfire. I spent hours at the beach watching the kids and the mountains and the ocean. Thinking. Thinking.
I am searching for answers i just can't find. I keep searching my soul, my heart asking, begging, for answers. It's so hard.
I had to switch my focus back to the kids. Answers don't magically arrive. I need to keep myself in the present. I can't change the past and i can't see into the future. I can, however, live right now. Right here in these magical days of childhood bliss.
I need to be more present for the kids. When i get lost in my own problems, my own space, i'm not there for them and i am certainly not parenting well. I find myself being less patient, quicker to snap. I don't like it when i behave like that, though at times they quite simply are being little rotters. Mostly though they are kids who've had a tough year too and they just want to be with me and spend some quality time.
Camping did that for us.
After i finish work tonight i am headed to meet the kids at our favourite campsite. Summer has officially arrived.
The end of the school year was bittersweet. I resigned as president of the kids school because of some crazy politics. It's hard to give up something that you love and have poured so much energy into.
I really love that school. I'll just have to learn to love it in a different way. As a parent. As a wonderful place for my kids.
I can hardly wait to get away tonight and just be with the kids for a few days without work and life stress.
The beautiful sunset is calling my name.
Two days ago Toby turned nine years old. Thus bringing to a close the month of birthdays.
Toby is my sensitive, tender-hearted boy. He often gets hurt in that way where your heart gets big in your chest and you have to fight hard not to break into tears. I remember feeling that way a lot as a child. It is always painful to watch him when he feels that way. Often it is over a small thing that would be insignificant to other children, but Toby feels it deep in his soul.
He is also a wonderful friend. Both for me and the kids. He is chatty and inquisitive and observant. He knows where everything is at my house, his dads house and even his classroom. His teacher commented to me recently that she wouldn't be able to run her class so well if it wasn't for the help of my little guy.
His friends at school adore him. I watch them interact and it makes me feel all gooey inside to see him leading a group of boys in one fort building project or another.
Reading and writing are still a struggle for Toby. The hardest part is not letting him get discouraged. He so badly wants to be like all the other kids and feels ashamed when he can't keep up. He doesn't understand that his Apraxia makes it difficult for him, not any incompetence on his part. He's a really clever boy and compensates for his learning disability in creative ways.
He often sneaks in bed with me and i know he's there as he digs his feet into my back. He always wakes up with a smile. The mornings are the only time i can get a hug out of him now.
I love him and am so proud of him. I hope life gets a little easier for him this year.