"People don't just break up."
That's what he said. He didn't understand how all this happened. How we got to this place of separate houses, children shuffled back and forth.
"how did this happen to us?"
And we sit and we talk. Sometimes the conversation is light and friendly. Just like it always was. Two friends. Two lives forever inter-mingled. Histories made together.
Often we end in tears. Tears of frustration and anger and sadness all mixed together. It is almost too painful for both of us.
The desire to figure out the problems. To try and fix them always opens the conversation back up. And we always walk away feeling worse. Problems highlighted. Regret, longing, desire becoming the new themes in this relationship. Words that we want to roll up in a ball and toss in the fire. Words that we can't manage to get past.
This whole blogging thing has been difficult for me lately. Part of it is that i'm just not sure who i am here and how much i want to spill forth. I can't, for the sake of those i love, just let it all come rolling out. Though there are many days when i would like to.
There is also time. I feel time slipping through my hands. I'm working full time now, five nights a week. I spend my days with the kids and my nights working. There is little time for much else.
The biggest thing right now, today, is jealousy mixed with insecurity. Feeling like the social outcast.
It seems like everywhere i turn writers i love and admire, women i have met, people i felt equal to – they are experiencing all these amazing things in relation to their blogs. They are on Tv, in the newspaper, getting book deals, writing in anthologies, invited to various free trips and swag fairs, even getting cars to drive around and meet other bloggers.
I'm wondering where i went wrong. I can't even get the BlogHer people to return my emails. I feel like a schlump. Like my sixteen year old self wanting so badly to fit in somewhere – even with the misfits.
I know that a huge part of it is my anxiety around friendship. Meeting people. Talking to people. Even sending emails. I know that, at the end of the day, this little website is here as a place for me to record my life. It is here for me. All the wonderful people who read it and share my life with me are the bonus.
I need to be more thankful for that. Appreciative that i even have this space, this opportunity.
This theme of running has been coursing it's way through my head the last few days.
Running from problems.
Running from hurt.
Running from reality.
Running from potential.
I think at moments, at times, we all run. It's human nature to want to avoid confrontation. The potential for hurt emotions, or worse, humiliation.
I have purposely slowed down this week. I have done my running. It has left me exhausted. But, i have landed now. A new home, a new life. Same things grounding me as they always have. Children, family, friends.
If i keep running i stand to lose these things. Perhaps not physically, but emotionally. Life, for all it's ups and downs, is always a learning experience and sometimes good things rise out of the ashes of the bad. I have found myself again. Through hours of introspection and searching. I am finally seeing the woman i am, the woman who got lost in the rush of life.
All the positive and negative images of my life coming together like an old album that i can flip through; laugh at the mistakes with a knowing nod and celebrate all the joy.
So, it's earth day. I find it ironic that we need a day. The kids and i were talking about it on the way home and as only kids can parker summed it up thusly;
"I love the earth! It will never break; because if it does we will have no earth. Right?"
"Yes. Yes!"
"Why do you love the earth parker?"
"Because it lets me dig it up and throw it back out!"
I am often at a loss when it comes to explanations for the kids. "Why can't we keep the hose running when it always rains here?"
"Why can't i use another ziplock bag for a water bomb?"
"Why does the compost smell so bad and why do i have to take it out?"
"Why do we have to wear hand-me-downs?"
"Why is it bad to shop at the dollar store?"
I try to teach them every single day about the earth and our responsibility to do our best by such a wondrous thing. I am proud when they catch me in an earthly faux pas.
"Yes! Yes you are right, i have to stop forgetting the shopping bags."
For me the kids are the biggest influence in trying to be earth-friendly at all times. Even though i am, at times, lazy and want to just throw it out in the trash rather than deal with the separating and washing of recyclables. Their ever-watching and curious eyes keep me in check. They keep my car full to the brim with recycling, my compost bin full, and my garbage can empty week after week.
There is so much more i could do, but i am proud of the strides we have taken.
Dude. It's been snowing for the past four days. I live on the west coast. Rain yes. Snow no.
It's a little hard on my fragile mental state to have been lulled into spring last week and this week trudging around in snow boots gingerly trying to wipe the snow off my freshly planted perennials.
But life goes along as it wants to. I am getting much more comfortable with that.
The new swear word of choice in my house is "doombah." As in " curry chicken for dinner!? mom is a doombah!"