There is this family i know. Three children, two boys and a girl. Grown, in their twenties. Their parents split up when they were young. The family is well known in the community.
The kids, the siblings they still hang around together. They are friends and go out of their way to spend time together. They help each other through good times and hard times, they move each other in and out of houses. They go on vacations together. They watch out for each other.
I look at them longingly, enviously and hopefully. I don't have that with my siblings, but i hope so much for it for my children.
Spring break is hard because it's hours upon hours together. The kids play. The kids fight.
Last night parker was frightened to go to bed without me there, but i wasn't ready for bed. Toby hopped in with him and rubbed his back till he fell asleep and then fell in to sleep and dreams himself. When i went to bed they were snuggled up together. Looking like two babies. Two brothers. So similar, but so different. Loving each other.
I kept them side-by-side and i squished in beside them. I barely slept. Aside from lack of space and little bony limbs poking me through the night i kept waking to watch them. Knowing that these moments are rare. The harmony, the innocence of sleep, the calmness of their sleeping faces. Soft and round.
It was beautiful to me.
I've been running. I've been running for so long. Running to find something. Running from something.
I realized it this weekend when i had a moment. A small moment. I was confronted with all my faults. My children's faces shining in front of me. I understood what this side of my personality has cost us. My family. They have suffered through my fidgeting through the years. Always antsy for something more. Something else. Never really seeing what i had right in front of me.
The children are on spring break. Their dad dropped them off early this morning, still in their pajamas. I was tired from late nights at work. I really wanted to just curl up and ignore the world for the day. But they had expectations and they were all in great moods.
All these sweet faces jumping on me in my bed. Kissing me. Telling me the tales of their weekend. It was one of those mornings where i really wished i could just embrace them, the moment, the day. I just couldn't. Today i just felt tired. The whirlwind of work when i don't have the kids. Late nights. Early mornings. I just wanted to be alone. For a day. A week.
It was the first time i can ever remember feeling that way. Like i just didn't want to be a parent today.
Life has been a little hard lately. I hesitate to even speak of hard things now. I fear the worrying gaze of "you should be on medication." The little doubts i hold about that in my own head.
Truth be told i really don't feel any different now that i am free and clear of mood stabilizers. My moods are still the same. Radically shifting. Deeply introspective.
I have spent so much of my life wrapped up in my own thoughts. I have been quiet, introverted my whole life. I don't know how to talk. I don't know how to say what i am thinking. It's like i have this film constantly playing in my head at a thirty second delay:
When i just yelled at toby – right then – i could feel his pain. i could see him shriveling. why did i do that. kiss him. good. now tell him your sorry.
why are you asking me how i feel about you. can't you see it. it's right here, right in front of you. can't you hear what i'm thinking. stop looking away. stop biting your lip. just speak. why can't you speak. why are the words so easy in my head. i should just write a letter. that would be easier. that's right just get up and leave. it's easier this way
I have been questioning every single decision i made this year. Am i really better off now? I just don't know the answer. It is eating at me. Making me physically sick. My stomach is a wringing mess. All acid and bitter.
4×4
4 Jobs I've Had (this year)
~mother to four screaming, lovely beasts 4, 6, 8 and 10 years old
~worked at a tasting bar at a winery
~waitress
~substitute educational assistant
4 TV Shows I watch
~Kitchen Nightmare
~Sesame Street
~big black screen
~no #4
4 Places I?ve Been (this year)
~chicago
~port renfrew
~vancouver
~the ocean
4 Music Artists I?m Listening to Right Now
Oracular Spectacular – MGMT
Humminah – Kim Barlow
Juno Soundtrack
Sigur Ros – Hvarf – Heim
Each time i hear of another family crumbling. Separating. It breaks my heart a little.
Seven months in to this situation i have only a little perspective. The hardest part is done. People tell me that at least. The initial shock and heartbreak, anger and resentment, hatred and love – having run their course. Like a death. The stages of grief. Losing a family in the way you were used to, it is like a death. The death of a dream of a life of happiness. Children growing, and graduating and blossoming. Adventure and retirement. Slowly growing old together. Becoming bickering and loving elderly couples sitting on the park bench. Giggling, holding hands.
All of those dreams vanish. You attempt to make new dreams. But it is nearly impossible to visualize a future that doesn't exist. That you have no idea who the characters might be. Terrifying. Thinking of yourself old and grey. Sitting alone on that bench.
I don't have any answers to the questions that plague me lately. The worry. Is this what it will be now. Is there something more for me. Will love find me. Give me a tender, wrinkled hand to hold. Someone to share a cup of coffee with on a blossoming spring day.