Last night we made homemade ice cream. A vanilla bean and oreo cookie concoction. We had so much fun watching the progress. Turning the paddle in the ice cream every five minutes, watching the gooey mess slowly take shape. We dug in right out of the ice cream maker.
The kids are doing well. We are doing well. I have been trying to find more fun things for us to do. As i have the kids during the week most of our time is taken up with school and activities and homework. But, i really want to make their time with me about other stuff too. These are the times i have this inkling desire to homeschool, just so we could spend more time together. Of course, that's just crazy talk as i would surely lose my mind in a matter of days.
I find the nights when i have the kids incredibly lonely. They go to bed fairly early. And then i just sort of putter around. I have no interest in television anymore and often i have trouble reading at night as i am just a little too tired. I end up browsing blogs, sitting staring at the fire, wandering around outside my house admiring the stars and the moons reflection off the lake. Listening to my melancholy music.
It's hard in the still darkness of the night to keep my mind from dark places. Keep focused on the positive things. Last night i posted on facebook that i was feeling lonely and a friend sent me this quote:
??Language… has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.?? ~someone
A family member just came to visit for a couple of days. It was nice. I feel so proud of my new home. Of my new life. Of all the things i have accomplished.
I just want to share it. Share it with my family. I want to be accepted and loved. I want to be felt proud of.
Family is so hard. I have such a deeper appreciation now for what family means and all the good things mine taught me. I was never an easy child. I have always been distant, difficult to know. I have a lot of trouble letting my family in. It is hard for them, they don't really understand me. I am always filled with expectation and hope about our relationship and always leave feeling lonely and misunderstood.
I'm beginning to see that my expectations are not realistic. If i want to be loved, i need to love. If i want to be understood, i need to understand, i need to share.
I am trying harder to do that. To let them in a little. Let them in without feeling worry or shame about who i am.
Part of it is the mental illness. My family has a hard time understanding it, feeling like helpless onlookers. I have taken that as a personal slight instead of trying to explain it better. I always retreat to the "everything is fine" corner when i should have been saying "it's not okay, but there's not much you can do."
I have always been ashamed, trying to protect them from the pain and hurt and worry. Instead i made them worry more. I'm not sure exactly how changing these behaviours and patterns will happen or how to make it happen. But, i am aware of it now.
Hot in my head these days has been the rest of my life.
It is a strange place i am in. Single, jobless, careerless.
All of those things are not really true. I have a job. I am a server, a waitress, on a bad day i make more money than the teachers in my kids school. On a good day i make as much as any professional. In this slow season there are no good days, they are all slow days and i am only working a few shifts a week. Actually, one or two. Times are tight. But, i am okay with that.
Forefront in my thoughts has been the environmental footprint i am leaving on this earth. What i am teaching my children. How living with less, much less, has been the closest thing i have ever felt to spirituality. My children are my career and teaching them these small lessons is more rewarding and has a larger, positive, environmental footprint than most careers i could choose.
It sounds strange, but living off of 1/10th of what i used to has been very empowering for me. I love having one can of trash per month. I love feeding my family healthy, simple foods. My oldest daughter fixing our clothes on her sewing machine.P lanning our vegetable garden in a meaningful way. Planning to feed us for ten months with our harvest.
Investing $200 in high quality compost and 100 mile seeds. Purchasing local, organic, beef, chicken and pork. Really, we are living the ten mile diet – save for the dairy and grains – which are more like 100 miles. The oil is a stumper – olive oil, spices, rice – not local.
We have our home heated solely by the wood stove. Our food all local and organic. Even our clothes – all bought locally made from organic cotton, hemp and bamboo.
I want my environmental foot print to be a mere shadow. A hike in, hike out – take what you brought – kind of affair.
But, i am curious. Does this mean anything to anybody else? Or is it a westcoast hippie kind of thing?
Well, i guess i am all done with the detoxing. It's hard to tell because i am wrapped up in lack of sleep and parenting and working and trying to figure out my life.
But i feel good. I feel fine. I am getting on. Getting by.
I had the kids on friday night. A weekend night without work. We had a slumber party and the first bonfire of the season. The kids danced with sticks full of embers. Smashing them together and on the ground, marveling in the power of fire and sparks. The magic of being a child out in the darkness of a winter night. I introduced them to the man i have been dating. It felt like the right time. He is a wonderful person who has shown me the beauty of the world. The simpler things. A kinder person i have never met.
I'm not going to say much about him. It just felt like time to introduce this other part of my life. He has kept me sane. He has listened to my joys and sadness. He has held me when i cried, pushed me to believe in myself. He has been my friend in a time when i can count friends on half a hand.
And i waited a long time to introduce my kids to him. They knew his name. Knew that i alone couldn't have been chopping all that wood. They noticed two coffee cups on the counter when they return to our home. I have been cautious and nervous about the introduction of new people in their lives. But i also knew that they were feeling like some unknown stranger was in their home when they weren't around. And that? That made them nervous. More nervous than the thought of a boyfriend.
And it went well. A few hours. Some wood collected by the boys. A bonfire started, roasting sticks found and many marshmallows. And? At the end of the night toby said "mom, i'm glad we met bill."
Could this picture really have been taken 2 1/2 years ago? Did i get my camera that long ago? I still see parker this way. Carrying him everywhere we go. What happened to my life? Everything began to change moments/days/months after this picture was taken. I remember buying my camera, the same day this picture was taken. My life felt full of promise. I was so excited to be embracing this side of me, Again.
Parker. My baby. My partner in crime.
Parker was invited to a birthday party today. The first time he had an invite just for him. The look of quiet pride. The happiness. I melted. Watching my last baby grow up.
My ex-husband (i changed my mind on that – a bit of respect) is, i think, having a vasectomy. Some indirect comments about doctor appointments, a little bit of knowledge about girlfriends, i put one and two together.
I felt so very mixed. Happy that the kids will never have to deal with that whole dad having other kids thing. Jealousy. Happiness. Happy to see some mending of the heart i broke. It's very hard to let go of that life. We have agreed to be friends. And it is working. It is much easier. Because? Because i like that person. You can't spend sixteen years together and not, after all the shit has washed a little, an not, like each other still. At least i don't want to. I don't want to be one of those people who are all up in the "my ex" is such an asshole, such a bitch, such a….
It's not who i am. There are so few people i connect with in this world. People who i feel are true. I am thankful to be able to hold onto this one. Just a little bit.