Life is strange. It really is. I have been censoring myself here like i never have. I have so many variables at play in my head. In my fingers.
People to be scared of. People to protect. People i care about deeply and don't want to hurt. People i want to hurt.
But, you know what? Life goes on. And i need to go on. I need to move on. I need to feel safe moving on.
I have dated on and off for the past few months. It is probably too soon. But, life is lonely. And i won't be young forever.
And whatever.
I'm not doing anything wrong.
I've never really worried about the whole dating thing. I'm not the most beautiful person in the world. I have four children. I'm recently separated. I am a great pick!
But. Without any judgement. There are plenty of people who are lonely.
Actually, that's a lie. I am so turned off by the prospect of dating as i really dislike most people. I more believe in accidental meetings of people who you were meant to meet. People who understand you. Accept you.
I have someone like that in my life. We have dated on and off for several months. I just don't want to hide it anymore. I don't want to feel judged. The third song is for me.
Toby has been having trouble. I should have known, actually i did know, that this would be very hard for him.
He is angry one day. Slamming doors and refusing to talk. The next day brought to tears by everything. Hiding under his school desk, holding his breath, red-faced, trying not to cry.
I have been feeling a little lost. My patience tried to it's very last thread. My heart torn apart by my little man who has pulled atthose same heart strings his whole life.
I spoke with his teacher, his principals, his dad. We all agreed that he was having trouble. At first i thought about counselling. It seems like a good idea, but a little pricey. Then i found out about a program in town called Rainbows for kids just like him. Kids from broken homes, kids who have lost a parent. All that lovely stuff. It's all about the kids. They sit around and talk. And apparently, and hopefully, it makes them feel better.
So, starting this thursday we will all be going to Rainbows together. Me and my four kids.
It seems a little awkward to be sending them into therapy, or group therapy, when i hate therapy myself. But, i will do anything to help my lovely and perfect boy.
It ain't me babe.
Life is such a rollercoaster. In the big picture everything is just fine. I'm happy, the kids are happy.
But there is always this undertone. This doubt. That every little thing that goes wrong is because of the separation. Is because of me.
I had a wonderful weekend. Without the kids. That's guilty spot number 1. I slept in till noon. I wandered around downtown. I shopped in a used bookstore.
It was like a re-introduction to my youth.
I had a weekend without work. Without kids. And i enjoyed it. I know i didn't do anything wrong. This is just the way life is. This is my new life. In a way it's what i have craved for so long. A little time. A little freedom. But. But i felt so guilty. Knowing that work wasn't keeping me from them. That i was free. That they could. They should be with me.
They should be with me.
Yesterday i was getting my haircut and my cute as a button hairstylist was pregnant. Just starting to show. Due in june. It was really nice chatting to her about pregnancy. First babies.
It left me ruminating and dreaming of those first years of pregnancy and babies. Life was so full of possibility then.
My first year as a mother was one of the best years of my life.
I was a newlywed, a mother, young and vibrant. No money worries. Depression and anxiety had magically disappeared and stayed away for several years. It was a magical, free and happy time. I still celebrate the memory of that time. So thrilled that i got to experience it.
I feel a little bit of that magic now.
Long and leisurely days with parker. Giggling and laughing together. Showers in the morning, him playing in the luke warm water at my feet. Having fun doing simple things like dishes and various household chores. Watching his four year old brain really come alive. Beginning to understand his feelings and emotions. Understanding how to express them. And always his kisses. Leaning over at every opportunity to plant one on me. Snotty nose or not.
In september all my kids will be in school. My extended 10-year babymoon will be over. Another chapter in life will begin. I feel so lucky to have had all this time with them. To have a job that lets me spend all this time with them.
This has been the most challenging job i could never have imagined. And, at the end of the day, as i wander the house alone looking at each of them sleeping soundly. Reflecting on each day. It's failures and accomplishments. I know that the reward. Four beautiful children. So worth the struggles.
Above all. Above everything. I am a mother. It will be my biggest accomplishment. It will be my mark on this world.
Dear Family (extended and otherwise)
The kids are fine. If they are not i will let you know.
Now please go away.
This is my place.
I have worked very hard on this for five years. I need this to be my place.
Thank you
jess