"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as crazy, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do." Jack Kerouac
I have been talking by email, or facebook, (are they the same thing now?) with a friend who is in Pai Thailand. I founf myself searching flights tonight. Thinking that i could actually just drop everything and go for a week. That was a pretty amazing feeling for me.
Of course, though i would give away my favourite animal to go, i just can't afford the killer airfare.
But, i could save up over the busy summer and go. I could do something just for me.
I am feeling really good. I am almost finished my weaning off period of my medication – cipralex. The first drop down in dosage was difficult. Constant headache, dizziness, upset stomach. This second drop has been easier. The headaches a little easier to deal with. It pretty much peaks mid-afternoon. The kids have been amazing. I explained to them why i was so tired. That i needed to lie down in the afternoons so that my headache didn't make me grumpy.
They play quietly. They leave me alone. Then my headache goes. And i can make them dinner, let them race around, splash in the tub, sit right on top of me during storytime – all without frustration or anxiety.
I am feeling very positive about this break from medication. I'm excited about it.
Please listen to this song.
It has been my theme song lately. I skip around whistling it in my head. It's just one of those things, one of those songs that seems to fit perfectly with your life at a moment.
That's what i love about music. That's why i think i've always been attracted to and attracted musicians. I have such a respect for the talent. The magic of those perfect moments. Sometimes it's at a live show and sometimes it's right in your living room.
I have been introspective lately. Really looking in on myself. Trying to piece together my life. How it all came together as it has. Reflecting not on the negative, but the positive. The friends that have come in and out of my life. The memories that have stuck around. Amazed by the little things i remember.
Small moments in my marriage and my dating life before my marriage where i felt absolute joy. Pure love, brief moments forever etched into my memory. My heart.
I really want my marriage to be something i remember fondly. Something that i can share with the kids. Because it didn't last forever doesn't mean that i want to erase it from my life. I was married to a wonderful man. We had four beautiful children. I will always love him. It just didn't work out. For a multitude of reasons.
But, the reasons don't matter anymore. If i focus and dwell on those i will never be happy. I will never be able to celebrate that period of my life and the bounty it produced.
I will never call him "my ex." It's so shallow. So mean. He will always be shane.
It has been beautiful this week. The sun shining strong. The moon glowing full in a clear sky at night. Frost covering the ground day and night. The kids have had a good week. They have been happier again. A little more settled. They are with me for six days this week, which has been nice. We are getting settled into routines. Homework, baths, dinner, chores reading books. Things that have been happening all along, but more out of necessity than actual enjoyment.
We have begun some yard work. Seeing snowdrops peeking through. Planning our vegetable garden.
It seemed a good week to start weaning off my medication. I know that medication is vitally important for mental health in a lot of people. One of them has been me. I feel strong enough to try life without drugs. I want to try. I really dislike the idea of being on them. The damage they do to my body.
I'm not saying i'm giving up on them forever. But, originally, my psychiatrist wanted me to go on them to give me the strength to get control back in my life. I feel like i have done that. That it is time to make a go of this on my own.
So far i feel the same as i did when i first went on them. Woobly in my head, out of body. Tummy aches, headaches, fatigue. But each day feels a little better. I'm going down by a third every ten days.
This weekend i am only working a few shifts. I am looking, casually, at a few houses to buy. I'm not sure about that yet. Frightening to own a house as a single parent.
I had a whole post written last night. I'm sure it was really great. Somehow it totally disappeared.
I'll write it again later.