2008 is nearly over. I am headed for a very, very long night of work. Most of my entries this past year, which has been quite the year, were filed under "2008 you will not get me." And? It didn't.
Part of what helped me get through this year was learning to accept friendship. Leaning on people at points, asking for help. My christmas video warmed my cockles something fierce. One of my favourite parts was this song that my very good friend wrote for me. I want to share it with you. Listen to her words, they are funny and charming and warm and make my whole body happy. Just like her.
And so it is done for another year. It was a lovely holiday in many ways. We saw many friends. On christmas eve we went to my good friends annual party. We indulged in good food, children and curious belgian beers. I left feeling so very thankful for friendship. For being understood for all my quirkiness. Happy.
The power went out over night on christmas eve and we woke up on christmas morning to a frigid house. In the dark and quiet of the morning we lit candles, brewed coffee on the barbeque and began the tradition of debauchery which is the unwrapping of gifts. The kids were all happy with their presents and very generous in their thankfulness. It was nice because it was a very low key year with only a few gifts under the tree.
Shane gave me a lovely gift. A video he had compiled of several of my friends and family talking about me. They each began with one word to describe me. The diversity of answers was amazing. Funky, reliable, calm, beautiful, complicated, shy. It's difficult to give the video justice because it was so deeply personal and moving. It was a lovely, thoughtful gift that i will always cherish. A reminder that i do have friends, that i do have something to offer the world.
The power came back on in the early afternoon and i managed to pull off the turkey dinner complete with crystal and crackers and toasts to family. I made the day everything i hoped it would be.
On boxing day morning the kids left for their in-laws and i was left alone in the house. It was strange to have the holiday so abruptly cut short. It felt lonely. It felt like last year when i dropped the kids off on boxing day. I missed them very much.
We are living in a winter wonderland. We have had snow fall every single day for eight days. Last night close to 60 centimeters fell. When i stepped out of my car this afternoon the snow was up to my hips.
I made it to work every night except tonight. I made it about 50 meters down the road and then got very stuck. So, it is an unexpected night off. We went for a family walk in the dark snow covered streets. And i learned during that walk, chatting with the kids, enjoying that deafening silence that snow brings, that christmas will happen. It will happen even if i don't make it out for those last gifts, even if christmas dinner is hot dogs and canned soup. Christmas will still happen. The kids will have magic memories of weeks of snow, eating icicles and doing nothing but spending time together. Things which don't happen enough, but are best when they happen at unexpected times.
I am feeling a little overwhelmed.
The shopping, the working, the snowing. Oh yes, the snow. It started last saturday and hasn't really stopped since. Snow never lasts this long and we are set for super cold temperatures and more snow through the weekend. How am i going to finish all my shopping? And let's not forget the wrapping.
Sometimes all of this is a nice distraction from the stuff that's going on behind the scenes. The tears, the anger, the love. The counseling. Oh my, the counseling. It is such a huge stretch for me. Having to speak as a child, as an adult. Trying so hard to let forth, to summon the courage to speak. Counseling has always been very hard for me because it requires so much talking. Talking about myself. Talking about myself to a stranger. All these personal boundaries i have. All of them have to be disregarded in order for counseling to work.
And sometimes it does work. A little light of understanding goes on. The "ah-ha" moment when you realize that maybe, just maybe, you're not totally insane, that there are reasons why you are who you are.
Other times it is simply impossible for me to do an exercise. I feel like a skunky child in those moments. "I will not participate and YOU can't make me." Those times? There's no lights going on.
