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I miss my chickens. Somehow i am focusing on them. The simplicity and beauty of raising farm animals, or poultry. Feeding, cleaning, dealing with the nasty gross stuff. Having something in common to talk with the farmers about. Being a part of the rural farming community. It was the height of domestic bliss for me. Children, chickens, the christmas turkey. A sense of pride in learning how to raise chickens.
Life has been up and down over the past few weeks. Storms have been making their yearly appearance. My old house, shane's house, had a tree fall on the power lines. It left him without power last week and he spent three days camped out on my couch. It was nice. It was hard. Falling into old routines so easily.
It was confusing for the kids. They liked having us all together again. We all liked it. The nights were not so easy. I had many tears. Shane and i were confused and uncomfortable with the new arrangements. It felt odd, going to bed, him sleeping on the sofa. Waking up with him gone.
On friday i had a chance meeting with an old friend. She had so many words of wisdom for me, having been through all this herself. She told me that no matter why this happened, it happened for a reason. All the guilt in the world will not help me.
I realized, finally, that i was dying in my old life. Literally. Something had to change. I made that change happen. I will always regret the way it all came about. But. But, the change, has been incredible. The pride i feel when i walk into my own house. When at the end of every week i know i have provided, all on my own, for my family. When i fall into bed, exhausted, after 14 hour workdays. After all of it. I smile at myself in the mirror. I have been brave. I have never been brave before.