So, this is the end of what, without any hesitation, was the very worst year of my life.
I could recap. I think i will for my own posterity because it's been a really crappy year.
January 2007 – hospitalized on the psychiatric ward for five days.
July 2007 – suicide attempt
September 2007 – end of a sixteen year relationship
December 2007 – hardest holiday season ever
There. It's done. It can only get better from here because i can't handle anything worse. The hell i saw in 2007. May 2008 bring peace and joy for my family.
And yours.
xx
jess
Just in time for the final race to christmas morning my daughter grew cat legs.
Oh well.
Things are great. The kids are eagerly finishing their final day of school. We are off on monday morning to have a lovely christmas with my family. Gifts are bought. Kids are happy. I am happy.
Have a lovely weekend.
Here i am dancing in my kitchen before i headed out to a staff party where according to the principals of social anxiety i drank too much and was home in bed at 10. Party girl i am.
People of the world…
No that's not it.
People of my world. I have returned. Somehow in these dark days of winter. Somehow instead of being bogged down by depression, i have emerged.
I saw myself tonight. For the first time in a long time. I have that fight back.
I will not take the hatred, the fear. I will not take it anymore. I am who i am. I know i frighten you. A real person full of flaws. Full of love. Full of dedication.
In front of my children. Tonight. I took a stand. You cannot continue to try and villainize me. Humiliate me.
I have made mistakes. But i have also done many wonderful things. I have volunteered hundreds of my hours to my community. I have made a better place for my children and yours.
Whether you are with me or against me. It doesn't matter anymore because i know, deep in my heart, that i am a good person.
xx
jess
It is so hard to continue writing here. The whole story. I wish i could talk about it, iron out the wrinkles, pick off all the little bits of lint that persist on my black work clothes no matter how many times i roll the lint roller over my body. A little bit of touch that feels so magical in a time when i am lacking human contact.
I have hit the wall. In terms of working. I've had enough. I am so tired. So bone weary tired. The running start on my separation having slowed to a sprint. Running the race for who can get through all of this the least hurt. The least betrayed.
I drop the kids off with their dad on friday morning then i run until monday at 8am when i pick them up. Usually working six shifts in the interim. Counting out the tips, squirreling away the larger bills. Preparing for the slow months. The months after the bounty has fallen off the tree and there is nothing left to harvest.
And then i pick up the kids. And i love them so. Stealing kisses from parker. Little hugs and thank-you's. And then i am so tired. I fall asleep for three hours after dinner. Waking to them playing in their room. Laughing. Feeling comfortable in their new home. Feeling better every week with two homes.
I wrote this one year ago:
The idea of being able to say goodbye to an emotion, a longing, a feeling that is tearing you up inside.
It may not be tearing you up, it may just be a haunting doubt. Or just a doubt.
Similar to what i said before. Is this what my life is going to be like? Walking along this road, frustrated by the different paths that your life and your spouses have taken. When did we come to that fork in the road? When did our want's become different? When did it become okay to treat me like a doormat? More importantly when did i let that happen?
At what moment in time, i really want to know, did i let go of caring. Of voicing my rights as a human being? Of being treated with respect. Not respect – love?
Was it when i gave birth? When i was so vulnerable, when i let every defense down because i had to birth a child. Am i that gross? Did i really lose all sense of self-worth then and pour myself so completely into my children that i lost every single little bit of backbone i once had.
Why is it that now, when i need help the most, when i want a life back that i am losing the tug-of-war. That everybody just wants me to "make it all go away."
Make what go away? Me? I am sad. I am unhappy.
I want to say goodbye to sad. Send it out the door.
I have had enough of you. I have had enough pain, insecurity, anxiety. I don't need you.
"But you do need me. I am you. Without me you couldn't write. You couldn't be so honest. You could never love."
Well. I don't know.
Do i want to say goodbye to you? You bring up a good point. I am who i am because of sadness. I have fought you through children and marriage and love and drugs.
And yet, you are still here.
The very best thing about this detailing of my life, this writing from the heart, is that i can look back when i am full of doubt. Or lonely. I can look back and remember where i have been. I can see a future that is different.
I can wade through this time of turmoil and change. I can be comforted that i did try and make a change.