I'm off to work, but in love with my new computer. The photo is to prove that i am still alive and lovely in my work blacks. The black suits me just fine.
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From the monthly archives:
October 2007
So, my birthday came and went.
I picked up the kids the morning of my birthday and they didn't know. I felt bad, knowing they would feel bad they forgot. I told them on the way to school that we would make it a great day.
After school they came home and hid out in their rooms and made lovely cards and gifts. We had a nice dinner. Together. The five of us. They sang a rambunctious happy birthday. We snuggled. We wrestled. We giggled.
It was a lovely night.
A lonely night.
A friend dropped by a gift during the day. It was the only one i received. It was special. That simple knock on the door. A hug.
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The journey i am on has been such an interesting one. My life has taken so many twists in the past year. Being alone a few nights a week has been difficult. Difficult and inspiring.
I often wander around a little lost. Listen to music. Flip through channels. Will my computer to let me look at a few blogs. Or twitter. Then it fails me. I dance. I sing. I do laundry. I read books.
I think. Most of the things i wander around in the night doing are distractions from actually sitting down and thinking. Reflecting on this journey.
But i am thinking. Marvelling at how far i have come in the past few months.
Three months ago i was sitting on the edge. Letting life slip through my fingers.
A revelation in a hospital bed. Straightening up. Seeing clearly the path of destruction behind me. Looking in the bright eyes of my children. Seeing a future that was different. A future where i could be strong. I could be a woman they would be proud to know as adults.
They may be angry with me now. They may always be angry with me. But, i am here to be angry at. I am stronger. I am putting in the fight for life. The fight for a better life for me, which means a better life for them.
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Have you ever been afraid. Really afraid.
I was scared. I have been scared so many times. I am scared.
I am scared of this new life i have created.
I drive by my new house. Sitting empty. Various worker people making it ready for me.
Am i ready for it. Am i ready for this new life.
What the hell have i done.
I speak to shane on the phone. Exchanging courtesies. Children importances. It is all so comfortable. Except, as he said, the big white elephant.
Yet, i keep going back to that. That place that is perfectly comfortable. Where you can burp and fart, pee with the door open, laugh about your flaws. Until your flaws become so unbearable.
Until they are pointed out.
And you are left alone wondering how the hell you became the person so afraid. Afraid of the truth. The tricky highway of the lies you have told.
I have been feeling very alone. People avoid me. I am the "oh shit, that could happen to me" girl.
Nobody wants to talk to me. Less than a handful of people have even asked me if i am okay. Less have offered help. I sit alone with my kids. My sick kids. The simple things. I have no tylenol. Parker is burning up with fever and i can't just run out and get tylenol. I have to make choices. Pack them all up to go to the store. Hope that the fever passes. Call shane for medicine. But he doesn't want to see me. Too painful for him. Choices left to haunt me.
It is my birthday in a few days. I will be working. I will be alone. Holiday number 2.
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Children tend to process things quickly. Wearing their hearts on there sleeve so to speak. My kids were instantly sad, angry, confused when they found out about the split in my marriage. Over the past five weeks they have continued to process and let me know exactly how they are feeling. Be it telling me directly or kicking me in the shin repeatedly.
I have been doing a lot of reaqding on children and divorce. I think, the key here being the "i think", that kids are resilient and can handle much more than we give them credit for. Including divorce. What they can't handle is when we, their parents, don't handle the situation well. How i talk about and process this divorce is key to my children processing it in a positive way.
It's okay for me to be sad or angry. It's okay for me to talk to them about it.
Retreating to bed. Angry outbursts. All the self-centred hokey-pokey that i may be inclined to do is not okay.
I think i am doing these things. The positive things. For me, the key to letting go and moving on, is helping my children to do the same.
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