The journey i am on has been such an interesting one. My life has taken so many twists in the past year. Being alone a few nights a week has been difficult. Difficult and inspiring.
I often wander around a little lost. Listen to music. Flip through channels. Will my computer to let me look at a few blogs. Or twitter. Then it fails me. I dance. I sing. I do laundry. I read books.
I think. Most of the things i wander around in the night doing are distractions from actually sitting down and thinking. Reflecting on this journey.
But i am thinking. Marvelling at how far i have come in the past few months.
Three months ago i was sitting on the edge. Letting life slip through my fingers.
A revelation in a hospital bed. Straightening up. Seeing clearly the path of destruction behind me. Looking in the bright eyes of my children. Seeing a future that was different. A future where i could be strong. I could be a woman they would be proud to know as adults.
They may be angry with me now. They may always be angry with me. But, i am here to be angry at. I am stronger. I am putting in the fight for life. The fight for a better life for me, which means a better life for them.
feeling like a feeling
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Jess – I read your blog every day, and I’m so proud of you and the mother you are being to your children. I’ve been through complete devastation and depression before, too, and while I don’t have children yet, I hope I can try to honor them as well as you have. I admire you. Good luck!
“They may be angry with me now. They may always be angry with me. But, i am here to be angry at. I am stronger. I am putting in the fight for life. The fight for a better life for me, which means a better life for them.”
When you’re in the dregs, remember this. Read this. It put it all into perspective for me.
Jess, I’m amazed at how positive your posts have become since you and children moveed to your own home. Really, truly, there seems to be have been a wonderful transformation. I wish you and yours the very, very best.
Jess, I’m amazed at how positive your posts have become since you and children moved to your own home. Really, truly, there seems to be have been a wonderful transformation. I wish you and yours the very, very best.
Jess, I’m amazed at how positive your posts have become since you and children moved to your own home. Really, truly, there seems to be have been a wonderful transformation. I wish you and yours the very, very best.
This is wonderful to read.
Keep up that fight Jess.
I’ve only read a couple of your posts, but I felt compelled to write to you and say…. I’ve been there. Absolutely know what it’s like to end a marriage with 4 kids (mine were all 5 and under.. my youngest was 11 months).
That was 11 years ago. Life gets so much better… trust me. I’ve never been so happy as I am right now. There were some dark days, but we’ve all come out the other side intact and thriving. Even my ex husband! He was shitty for years at me leaving, but he’s lived to thank me. (Literally. I was amazed, and really pleased.)
I obviously don’t know all the ins and outs of your situation, but truly the best thing I ever did for my kids (apart from making them in the first place!!) was leaving an unhappy marriage, so now they see only the best side of their Dad, and I’m able to give them the stability and peace that kids need.
My ex has since remarried. I’m single, and the boys and I are a really tight team. They love their Mum. (What’s there NOT to love??) If you like, pop onto my blog to get a window into life in the future…. life way after divorce when all of the dust has settled.
Chin up! I am truly reporting that life gets so much sweeter for everybody.
I hear the first year is the hardest.
I guess we’ll find out. I’m four months in, with Christmas (no, I don’t get my daughter this year) right around the corner.
Take it minute by minute if you have to Jess. You’re doing great.
Sounds like even if it’s harder in the day to day, you are happier on your own. This probably won’t be true every day, but here’s hoping it is true more often than not.
I agree with Kate’s comment, you might not feel it, but your writing reflects a person who is much more at peace now. And the “I am here to be angry at” line is the true miracle. Thank the gods that you saw the path, that you had the courage, that you made the change. You are strong, and brave, and your children will grow up to be strong and brave as well. Bravo, Jess.
Jess, you are amazing. Good for you.