moving today. crazy. crazy.
busy. busy.
back soon.
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From the monthly archives:
October 2007
Working in restaurants i meet so many interesting people. Working in slightly higher end dining establishments means that people are there to enjoy themselves. Often they are celebrating. Reconnecting with family or friends. Anniversaries. Birthdays. Successes in life.
I enjoy it because they let me be a part of their story. At least for awhile. They are happy to see me. They are happy.
Last weekend i had a boyfriend and girlfriend in. She was meeting his mom and sister. They spent three hours putting me through my paces. Several drinks, hot water with lemon, coffee, three course meal.
Early in the meal they asked me my name. That doesn't happen very often. It became very friendly. We had small conversations each time i went to the table. Most of the other tables turned over in the time they were there. It was just lunchtime.
When they were getting ready to leave the boyfriend asked me if i believed in karma.
"yes!" i said. Because i do. I really do. It's one of the only things i believe in.
He said; "well, a lot of good things must happen to you."
It was the nicest thing i've heard in weeks.
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I have a scarlet letter. That's how it feels. As i wander around the schoolyard, the grocery store. This town is so small.
There's a song on the new Band of Horses album with the line;
"this town is so small
how can anyone not smile
or look me in the eye
or wave as i drive by"
That's how i feel.
I packed up my stuff from my marital home today. I gathered things and knick-knacks. Small, worthless things that hold all the history. I remember when each thing was given, or purchased. How small things made that house a home. Splitting the things up seemed wrong. Taking away the specialness of a family created. Splintering it. Destroying the memory.
My marriage was a good thing. We never really fought. We had a lot of fun together. Created four beautiful children. The last few years were still fine. We just grew apart. My depression created a large hole in the floor. A crevice that grew and grew till the distance between us on the sofa might as well have been a mile. We always loved each other though. I still love him. I always will. I will always cherish the life we had together.
It was. It is hard. I need to do what's best for me. It may not be best for my kids. A family is best. I need to recreate that for them. A different kind of family. Me and them. Him and them. It will be okay. I will be healthier.
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Let me tell you about my children. They are amazing. They are giving me strength. The minute i see them i feel my purpose.
All the work. All the writing.
It's all for them.
Trying to find my way, figure my way, through these murky waters.
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i never thought i could be so lonely. i never imagined life to be this hard. so free.
freedom is over-rated. under-achieved. over-worked.
i'm tired. too much work. too few kids. the ominous christmas ahead.
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