Life it goes on. It really does.
When you are a parent, a mother, you have to march on. Keep on being the best mother you can be. Remember that your problems are not your childrens. They just need to be loved. Loved without question and despite circumstances.
I am loving my children. More than ever. We are enjoying all of our moments together. I have slowed right down. Living in each moment with them. Truly revelling in these little wonders i have created. Celebrating being their mother, having children who show me that life is good. That together we can be happy, we can do anything.
Being alone is hard. All the thinking. All the questions. What do i really want. Who am i. How did i get to this point. Is this what i want.
I am working through the weekend. The kids are with their father. I am centered. My brain is functioning at a perfect balance of happy/sad. Thoughtful. Not manic.
Before we go any further i need to tell you. I need to tell you that any blame or fault should be placed on me. The failure of the marriage was my fault. Is my fault. I saw it coming and didn't try to stop it.
My husband is an excellent man. He has his faults. We all do. We just lost each other in the crazy shuffle.
I appreciate, very much, all the kind words and support. I am not here for pity. I never have been and , honestly, i don't want it. I want a place where i can talk about my life. It has been a struggle to maintain this site as that. As family and friends have begun to find it i have felt inwardly and outwardly judged. Feeling the need to hide some things.
I'm not going to do that anymore.
I am going to ask you that if you are related to me by blood or marriage i would like you not to read anymore.
The kids are doing well. Well as can be expected. We are living in a condo on the lake. It is beautiful and peaceful and fun. All the things they need right now to process their feelings and emotions.
Parker, toby and eliza are reacting in a purely emotive way. Mood swings and neediness. We are taking everything moment by moment and small conversations.
Tristan is having a harder time. More sad. Real understanding. She is sleeping with me and we are having long conversations, pillow to pillow.
It will take time, but i will make everything okay.
hello friends,
i have been without internet access for five days.
i am newly separated. single mother. new home.
kids with me now, until friday.
i will not talk about the status of my marriage. save for today.
just an update. more soon.
jess
xx
I am feeling much better. More grounded. Thoughts are still swirling in my head, but i realized that they are there because i have so many things going on. Pulled in so many directions.
The other night in the midst of panicing that i was getting very manic i forgot to stop and listen to my body. Which, contrary to my belief, was not all that manic, but in the middle of a several day long anxiety attack.
School has begun with a joyous gusto. The kids are happy and i am happy to walk in the school and enjoy the fruits of my labour. All my hard work as president is showing. Things are running as they should – all the little kinks ironed out.
The sun came out again this afternoon so we rushed to the lake as we are always anticipating the last swimming day as autumn approaches. We were the only ones on the beach. Our favourite beach – not private, but secret, for locals only. I sat and listened to my ipod as the kids laughed and ran like carefree kids. It was a magical afternoon.
Another day to be thankful for. I will be thankful for this day. Always. A chance to stop for a few hours and calmly enjoy my children. The waterfalls built in the sand, toby finally confident in his swimming, eliza writing words in the sand – so proud of her emergent reader status, parker reading a book quietly on his blanket and tristan laughing and giggling with her best friend – still a child.
September 3, 2007
in manic
Dear ingrid internet,
Do you remember when i used to call you that? Trying to make this wide space home.
I have been having troubles for over a year now. I have tried to kill myself twice.
I have looked in the glowing eyes of my children and found religion.
I have loved my children.
I have lost myself.
I have not loved myself.
I am trying to do that now.
I am trying to be better to myself. I know i am good to everyone else. But i left myself hitchhiking on the trans-canada months ago.
And now i will pick myself up. I will make changes. I will be better to myself. In exchange the world might be better to me.
The kids start school in the morning and their excitement is contagious. The "i can't sleep" blues. The anticipation. I remember it. We will pack lunches together in the morning. Sleepy and red eyed. Unused to the early morning hours that we have spent the last two months quietly sleeping through. Life will return to a scheduled normal. We will leave the wistful lake days behind for another year.
Goodbye summer 2007 and your crappy weather.
jess
xx