I know it seems strange. The lifting of the fog. The sudden change.
I am trying to embrace it. This happiness, things going right. I am trying to believe i deserve this. That this is real.
The thing is when you have bi-polar disorder or something like it. When you are so closely watched. When you are introspective and self-aware. You find yourself laying awake at night terrified that this is not better, this is a manic episode, or hypo-manic. Something bad is still happening.
I am not really happy, i am still crazy. Just at the opposite end of the spectrum.
Happiness can't be just happiness and sadness will never be just sadness. That shadow of doubt will constantly hang over me.
soft like snow, but warm inside
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Try to roll with it jess hugs from Cailfornia!
Your titles grab me before I even get to the post. I have moments where my happiness is in the midst of my sadness. I do not expect for the shadow to be just around the corner, but I do know it isn’t far away.
I’ve been buried deep before. I don’t think for a minute I can’t go back there.
I am happy right now, smiling for the first time in a very long time, yet everyone in my life is watching me with trepidation, waiting for my world to swing back the other direction, waiting for me to fail at happy. I know how you feel.
Sometimes a job can have the effect of taking you out of yourself to allow you to be yourself. This sounds like a great space where you’re not fretting about yourself or your children’s needs, so you can react and respond as you, not as a mum or someone who has been feeling defined by her sadness. You’re just you, and that can be a lovely, liberating, cleansing state of being.
And, i’m not bi-polar. We’re just not buying that.
That’s what you said back in March. What made you change your mind?
Persephone, I waiver back and forth. I suppose that is why i added the “whatever” part.
Sometimes it would be easier to just say i’m bi-polar.
You DO deserve it.
I’m glad you’re feeling good for a change. Perhaps someday the cloud of doubt will lift?
Mine has. I hope the same thing for you.
And thats the rub really…..always that self doubt is there, baring itself. Funny you should write this post actually, read the one I wrote yesterday…..think we were on the same brainwave.
Try and see through the haze and believe that this is indeed happiness, and not just the illness showing through. You will see that it will last, an easy comfortable happiness, and that my dear is not the illness. That is not mania, or hypomania….that is just life.
Biggest hugs to you,
Jess