I am going to swear tonight. Just so you know. If you are sensitive, go somewhere else NOW!
Fucking hell.
I knew it was coming. I knew when i walked in the door, every single night, and my husband was waiting nervously for me.
No matter how many times i called, or said, "don't worry" or "go to bed" he is always there.
He says it's because he cares. But, really, the feeling is exactly the same as when i was a teenager. YOU ARE BEING WATCHED. Don't fuck up jess.
But, the thing is i'm not a kid, i'm a grown woman. I have four children who i've birthed and (am) raising. I am a good mother, not perfect but that doesn't exist.
I have made some major mistakes, but not too many minor ones.
I hate my life happy as much as i did sad. I wish it would all just be normal again. But, how can it be normal when you live with me?
But. But! All i want is normal. I want to be me without judgment. I want to be free from my suicide attempt. I know it's too soon. But, i can't get better without some space.
I have a giant cold sore on my mouth. Again. My outward sign of stress, or perhaps too much kissing.
The latter would be much better. The stress of being well, of working so hard to hike up my britches and continue on is difficult.
"It's been a month. Shouldn't she be all better by now? Yes! Let's stop asking how she's doing and embrace the standard 'everything is great' standard response."
It's not that everything isn't great. It is moderately good. That is better than it has been in a long time. The thing about school on the horizon is that it forced you to embrace every single minute of summer there is left, despite whatever crappy weather is thrown your way.
I am working friday through sunday, two weddings! Yippee. Then on monday i'm taking the kids camping all by myself. I can hardly wait.
My very favourite picture of me from BlogHer. I love me some sarcastic journalist. SJ and i were "internet friends" before the conference. She helped me to ban my entire flesh and blood from this website, i offered her advice on how to properly squirt breastmilk into your toddlers' eyes (gets rid of pink eye y'all), she gave me some internet love when i needed it. But, up close and in person? She was fabulous. Honest. Open. Told me i couldn't come to her party unless i stopped drinking gin and tonics. (I didn't go – couldn't face the SJ chastisement.) She was, well, nice.
I am pulled in many directions tonight. Excited about a new project with a new friend. Gearing up for school.
It's really not just the kids that go back to school, but me too. I had a meeting at the school today, when i left with a huge list of things to do, i realized that summer really was almost over. That i have taken on way too many things. But, that it will all work out. This is what i need. A full life.
Now. Now i need to prepare for speech therapy and meetings with therapists and academic delays and learning disabilities and all the things about my Toby that i can put away for the summer. Just let him be.
A beautiful day. Finally the sun was out. Perhaps just for a day. Whatever global warming is creating monster temperatures elsewhere has left my little westcoast basked in rain and abnormally low temperatures. It's like the warm-up for the long, dark winter.
The kids are getting ready for the beginning of school in three short weeks. It boggles my mind to think the summer is almost over, when really it has only just begun. In another in a long series of things that i feel bad about in this summer of 2007 i always worry that i don't do enough for the kids. Not enough fun.
I am not ready to get back into schedules. Early mornings. Packing lunches. The constant headache from lack of sleep. Being the president of the school.
I would homeschool if it didn't involve the schooling part, just the summer vacation all the time.
Little to nothing to say today. In a flux. A state of being better, but not really sure how that looks. Still unsure about the future. Taking every step cautiously. Wrapping my heart in a pillow, lest i fall. Hoping for some extended relief from the burden of pain. New friends and new projects underway. Continuing to make changes. To make my life better.
Planning the very late birthday party/slumber fest for my oldest daughter. Wanting to make it perfect for her. Realizing that more and more i am losing all control of her life. Unable to filter and shelter her as much as i used to. Knowing the difficult days are coming for her. That she is becoming a preteen.
I know it seems strange. The lifting of the fog. The sudden change.
I am trying to embrace it. This happiness, things going right. I am trying to believe i deserve this. That this is real.
The thing is when you have bi-polar disorder or something like it. When you are so closely watched. When you are introspective and self-aware. You find yourself laying awake at night terrified that this is not better, this is a manic episode, or hypo-manic. Something bad is still happening.
I am not really happy, i am still crazy. Just at the opposite end of the spectrum.
Happiness can't be just happiness and sadness will never be just sadness. That shadow of doubt will constantly hang over me.