Here we go.
Friends. I am going crazy again. In a different way than i have shared with you before.
not sad. Crazy. Manic. i feel crazy.
Jittery. Unable to control my hands. My mind. Five panic attacks in two days.
I am going to be brief.
My mind knows what is happening. It is painful. Watching myself. Slipping away.
I will see my psychiatrist next week.
You would think that this would be fun. But it is a bigger trainwreck than depression, which is slow and haunting.
This is fast and furious.
I am taking a week away to take care of some personal stuff. Stay focused.
In the meantime please check out a new project that leah and i have been working on. I am very excited about it.
Introducing: RealMental!
I'm exhausted. From mind numbness to full body fatigue.
I have been working very hard on so many, very different, things. Waitressing, working the tasting bar (fun, fun, fun – chatting up people as you feed them free booze), writing, writing, writing, getting ready for school, hanging out at the beach…
Tomorrow i am working a wedding that has ordered enough wine, beer and cider for every guest to have a litre. Before that i am taking the kids to the annual country fair in our little town where we will ride in the bicycle parade, have cookies and photos judged, and enter doodle the schnoodle in the doggy competition. We are all a little sad that we have no chickens to enter this year.
All of these distractions are good. A busy mind and body has no time to be idle and sad.
I am preparing for some large and small changes in my life. I am getting ready to wind down for the long, dark winter.
Every night i send parker, eliza and toby to bed several hours before their actual bedtime. They spend this time playing games.
This is how it started tonight:
This questioning, this self-doubt. It has to stop. I fell asleep in the school tonight. After a meeting. I was just so tired. The unreasonable part of me thought "i'll just have a little rest on this couch, and then i will write! I will write the great american novel. I will write the best damn book proposal anyone has ever seen. I will be great. But, i am so tired. I will close my eyes just for a moment. A wee moment as my grandpa used to say."
And then. Shit! It's 12:30 and i just slept for two hours on the couch in an elementary school. No writing was done. I drove home in a panic. Expecting my poor worried husband to be sitting up for me. But, i guess i have worn him out too.
I am on this winding road, similar to the one we drive to campsites, wondering, wandering. Lost in my mental state.
