Dear world,
I wish i could tell you everything is okay. All these months i have wished and hoped for wellness. I have gone about it in all the wrong ways. I have abused my body and my brain in an attempt to achieve numbness.
Instead my life snowballed into a searing pain that i felt i couldn't escape from.
On saturday night i attempted suicide by an overdose of prescription medicine. Luckily, while semi-conscious i called a friend who sent an ambulance. I had many seizures and came incredibly close to being successful.
I am thankful that i am still here. I am scared for what the future holds. My secret is out.
As i lay in my hospital bed all i could think of was my children and what an idiot i was. When i was swallowing the pills all i could think about was them. Somehow rationalizing that they would be okay. When i woke up i was so happy, so blessed that i could see another day. See my children again.
I am sorry for those of you i have worried. I am going to recoup, regroup and get my shit together.
jess
xxoo
The Great Salt Lake
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{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
dear jess,
oh my god. please do whatever you need to get better and please trust that you might actually feel better one day. i know the safety of depression, if you are sad, you can’t feel any sadder and somehow that feels better than the fear of what you might feel if … if … if.
please trust that there are medications and doctors who can help you. you have beautiful kids and you talk so much about these beautiful moments in life; sunsets, swimming with the kids, pets, lazy afternoons … please love yourself as much as you are loved. i know it isn’t easy. you are in my thoughts …
Don’t know what to say. I am here. Very far away from there. We are strangers. But I think of you every day. Know that you’re not alone.
Oh jess my heart hurts for you hugs.
I’ve been so worried since seeing your twitter post….Thank God you’re OK – take whatever time you need to get to a better place – know you are in my thoughts – as Deanna said, you’re definitely not alone…those beautiful kids don’t need a perfect mom, just a loving one and they absolutely have that in you. Hugs
Jess, I am sorry I missed your call. We didn’t hear the phone in the basement. When I got the message at about 1 am I should have called an ambulance ASAP. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you. I am so so so sorry.
Thank GOD you are physically alright. I am always here for you too…reach out and let all the hands that love you hold you up. We are all here for you.
Jess,
I’m so sorry I’m an oblivious asshole. I’m sorry I didn’t hear what you were saying. I’m so sorry and I promise I will listen better. But just in case, Let’s have a code phrase. I miss peanut butter, that’s what it is going to be. You will say that next time you are too sad and I will just come over.
I had already started writing this on paper to give to shane to give to you but since you have your laptop…
Don’t worry about the kids. I will do whatever I can.
I’m so happy to hear you are happy you’re here. Jess I know there is no easy answer, I know this is unbearably hard for you but there are so many people who love you and want to help. I miss you and want you to be better.
Be better.
I told you, you didn’t have to do breakfast!
Just tell me what I can do, I will come as soon as you say. OK.
I love you
Holding you close -
hoping you can heal…
Jess I am here. I’m so glad you are too.
I too am a stranger but am so sad to hear you got so deep. Keep trying and keep trying more, you obviously have many people around you that care about you. I love what Lauri said “..those beautiful kids don’t need a perfect mom, just a loving one and they absolutely have that in you. ” Hang in there Jess, we’re all pulling for you.
Hi Jess-
I am so glad you lived!
Getting “better” for the kids is good, but I pray you can also get “better” for yourself.
Hugs from the midwest
Lisa
Oh, Jess. Sending you strength. xo
Jess,
Sending positive thoughts your way.
Sending loving thoughts and prayers from another “stranger” who cares about you and your family just through the strength of your writing.
i just read- so glad you’re ok, and i know someday this will all seem far away. perhaps someday is too hard to see, but know we’re all holding onto you.
Well I don’t know you but I hope you feel better,. I hope you go to the great salt lake and know that god is watching you there.
You will be safe.
I am glad you are alive. I tried to kill myself when I was 15. I overdosed on pills. When I woke up in the morning, in ICU, after being fed liquid charcoal, I felt like shit. The worst thing was having to see my parents, brothers, and grandparents, and the pain they were in. I am 39 now. Have I been depressed since? Sure. Have I thought about trying to do it again? Sure. My grandparents are long since dead, but my parents are alive as well as my brothers. I will NOT put them through that again. NEVER.
I realized that I can’t be selfish, no matter how I feel. Life isn’t always fun, and I am very sad much of the time, but I will never put my family through the thoughts of losing me again.
You can get through this. Stop thinking of yourself so much. Sorry if everyone thinks I am a bitch for saying this. Wake up and do what is right. You need to be in this world for everyone that loves you especially your husband and kids.
Much love to you
Will be here for you, Jess. Take your time.
Being happy to be here, and thinking of your kids…to me that is a step up. in the right direction.
all the best.
Oh baby.
Hang in there, Jess. There are no easy answers, but you have got to stick around for your kids. They *need* you.
And I care about you.
oh, god, jess. i love you. i’m so glad that you are still here, and i don’t really pray, but i’m praying that you’ll find a way.
xoxoxo
jen
Damn, Jess… I’m glad that you’re still around for us to worry about, and no matter what you say, we’ll worry for a long long time. Hang in there, and please please keep trying to get the help you need. Don’t give up on the doctors and their anti-depressants and the hard talk and stuff. You know it isn’t going to be easy, but let them try to help you. And give them months or years, not weeks. If you regret it, then I’ll let you punch me or something. Or, I’ll treat you to as many free rounds at the batting cage as you can handle, until you get those nasty blisters on the insides of your thumbs – your country or mine.
Jess, please hold on. Please fight this. I know you are stronger than this depression that has got you in a stranglehold right now.
You’re going to win.
I’ve been reading for a while, not knowing what to say even though I was climbing out of my own black hole. I think someone above said it best- the children are a reason to keep trying, but they can’t be the only reason. I know that was true for me. I truly hope that you can find peace within and a way out of this dark place.
Jess, I’m so thankful you called for help when you did. I’m terrified of losing you. Please hang on. Help is out there. We’ll find something that works for you. I love you.
Jess, don’t beat yourself up over this. Life is hard, you have some challenges that are quite painful to live with, but I don’t really think death is an escape in this case. No one can blame you for wanting to escape. It’s like you have an unbearably tough row to hoe, but baby, you probably just have to hoe it. It stinks, I know. But I don’t really think there’s a way out through death…
There is a way out within you, though. A way to feel more peaceful with the challenges set before you. A way to feel confident that you can at least handle, if not enjoy, what each day brings. And you’ll find it eventually, if for no other reason than it’s everyone’s birthright to find it.
Jess, lots of virtual hugs and real prayers. If I were in Canada I would try to give the hugs in person.
Oh, my heart hurts for you right now. I don’t have anything else except that keep on looking and seeking peace and health.
Whatever strength it takes, you must take it. You’re needed in the universe.
Whatever strength it takes, you must take it. You’re needed in the universe.
Whatever strength it takes, you must take it. You’re needed in the universe.
Whatever strength it takes, you must take it. You’re needed in the universe.
In my prayers, lifted up.
Jess, I mean this in the most loving way:
Smarten. Up.
Hi Jess,
I’ve hesitated getting personal before in fear of saying the wrong thing. But I do now want to say that both my parents attemped suicide: my mother “failed” when I was 12 and my father “succeeded” when I was 17. I’ve spent the rest of my life feeling like I should have been able to “save” them, if only . . . And they have given me a subconscious way “out”; I’d never consider suicide in my regular life, but my parents have shown me that is an option–one I resent being offered. (Joan and Melissa Rivers, who I don’t usually like, have spoken eloquently about this subject on Larry King.)
Please don’t give that legacy to your children. They clearly adore you and you them. And the schoolchildren voted you coolest mom! So other people (especially honest children) love you and want you around. Please, please please start seeing yourself as they see you: cool, fun, and someone worthy of living.
Kate
Oh, sweetie. My heart is with you.
Jess,
I understand your pain. I’ve suffered from depression for almost two decades, and recently experienced an event in my life that was so incredibly painful that it had me considering suicide. I cut my arms. The police were called. The thing that held me back from going all the way (I didn’t cut very deep) was that my grandmother committed suicide and my Dad has spent every day since then feeling responsible for his mother’s death, and feeling that he could/should have stopped it. Suicide affects generations to come–it has affected my Dad (who became an alcoholic) and affects me every day. I think about my grandmother often, wonder about her final day(s), wonder what she was like (I never met her, since she killed herself three months before I was born). My Dad was 28 when his Mom killed herself, and he blames himself for her death every day. I can imagine it would be much worse for a child. I know that when you’re feeling bad enough that you’re contemplating suicide, you’re not thinking logically, but maybe if you can remember my story and know that it WILL negatively affect you children and THEIR children for their entire lives if you decide to take your own life. You are the only mother they have and they need you around. You may think you’re not a good mother, but from reading your blog for the past few months, I disagree–you sound like a wonderful, involved Mom. Think how much they would miss you. All my love and a huge giant hug to you, Jess. I will try to stay strong and take care of myself and I hope you can do the same. Thank you for being so brave and for sharing your story.
I am so sorry! I don’t know what else to say. Hugs.
I am so sad for you right now.
Why has no one heard your cries for help?
I’m angry at those doctors and therapists you’ve seen – that’s their job – to diagnose and treat you, and they failed.
Being a mother of four doesn’t make you a superwoman, or a martyr, or give you the ability to fight off deep depression by yourself.
Who will take care of you, Jess?
Jess, I haven’t read your blog since you came to Victoria to see Band of Horses …almost a whole year ago. It’s not just yours, I haven’t even posted on my own blog in about that long really. I am now a single mum too. Chuck and I split days after Band of Horses so it’s been just about a year. I just read your entire blog from present back to that post on July 1st. I had no idea what you had been through this past year and I’m sorry. I want you to know, I did not leave you because of your hardship, I just got busy. I am fully supportive of you, I understand you completely. 100%, trust me on that. We have been through more than similar experiences and I can’t begin to tell you how much we have in common. I’d like to get together with you in person again. But not in a loud bar with a band playing this time. Somewhere where we can ‘talk’ properly. I was VP of our school and they asked me to resign as well and I didn’t…I am too making a conscious effort to drink less wine but it isn’t really working and I feel guilty everytime. There is more…much more. You are not alone. We live parellel lives I truly believe. I am here for you anytime. I think I’m going to be ok. I have come a long way in one year. I am proud of myself. I am proud of you. I am glad you are happy to be living:)xo