July 2007

May I ask more – I haven't read all of your blog – but can you tell me about your extended family and in-laws. What are they like? Do they love close-by? Who is your favourite person in the world (apart from hubby and kids) – and why?
My in-laws live about two hours away by car and ferry. They are amazing and supportive. Grandma babysits regularly.
My family lives about five hours away by car and ferry. They too are amazing. I don't talk about them out of a shared agreement.
My favourite person in the world is my pal christle. She is one of those amazing women who are caring, empathetic, funny, fun to be around, understanding and an awesome parent. She is even the guardian of my kids. She is my only real and honest friend around here.
What is it that you think will help your depression if you don't believe in therapy, pills. Do you think the depression will go away on its own or that you'll learn to live with it?
I think honesty will help me. I don't like therapists because they try to fit me into a mold. It's like the educational system that is taught on a median. It works for most of the kids. I am not like other people and all the talk in the world won't make me open up to a complete stranger. That takes years.
I am still on medication.
I don't think it will go away on it's own – well it could. But, i am working hard to improve the life around me. How i see and hear the world. My expectations. Everything. I am in no way leaning back hoping for help to come to me. I have a lot to live for. I want to live for. I am going to be better.
I am off like a dirty shirt at 5am tomorrow and due to arrive in Chicago around 7pm. Regularly scheduled navel gazing will be interrupted by gossip and snap judgments based solely on appearance.

{ 2 comments }

Okay, here we go. You guys have been tough on me.
First from flippy
"Are you still drinking a lot?"
Why no. Shane confronted me several weeks ago about my drinking. I have family members who are alcoholics. I am very aware of this trait in me. I like to drink. And now that i have no secrets from anybody i will tell you that i spent most of my winter and spring months drinking in a desperate attempt to self-medicate. It came to a point where i was hiding my drinking from shane and my family.
We have talked about it. A Lot. I have not quit drinking all together. But, i am very aware of every drink i take. I am trying my best to be a better person. I am not drinking in excess.
That is the best i can give you right now.
2. From my fourth floor friend Jessica "How are you really doing? Honestly and truthfully?"
I am doing okay. I am saddened by the loss of friendship my suicide attempt has caused. That has been the most difficult. I am really, honestly, feeling better than i have in a long time.
I am not seeing a psychiatrist. I am seeing my family doctor twice a week and going to marriage counseling. I have not changed my medication ( 15mg of cipralex/daily) and have been refused any other anti-anxiety medications. My pharma-network whatever has an alert on it and i cannot have any medication without doctors permission.
Today? I will not kill myself.
3. From blackbird What's your favorite ice cream?
I don't like sweets. A new thing this year. I think it's chemical. But, my old time favourite was Green Tea.
4. Do you believe in heaven, an afterlife, God? – from Susan
No. I don't. I have never been to church, except for funerals. I have read the bible. Although it is hard for me to comprehend that this is it, i have been through many near death experiences with family members and friends. I just didn't see it. When i almost died i didn't see it.
I believe that we are here on earth for a reason. That we have energy. Positive energy comes back. I guess i believe in karma. I hate to think that my children, that i, am gone when we are gone. But i do.
I do, however, believe that while we are here we can make a profound difference. Whether it be by stopping wrongs, recycling, being positive, defending others, living an honest and positive life, being kind to others, loving. I am a positive person. I love people. I believe in an honest life. I believe in kindness.
I do not, however, believe in god. There is too much suffering in this world. I'm sorry for that.
5. Are you still seeing a therapist? Is your heart really open to getting help or do you feel a general distrust of the process and doing it to appease others? Also, if you don't mind, I'd really like to know if your older children (especially your oldest girl) are talking to a counselor.
No i am not seeing a therapist. I am seeing my family doctor weekly and i am attending marriage counseling.
I do not believe in the process and i am doing it to make my husband happy.
My children are not seeing a counselor.
I would like to be clear that they were not here the night i overdosed. They were all away with family. They do not know what happened. They know i suffer from depression and that sometimes it becomes too much and i need to see a doctor/hospital to make me feel better and change my medication.
6. Do you like shoes? from schmutzie./ I love her.
I love shoes. I have recently embraced high heels. I have three pairs. Two of which i will be sporting in Chicago. My favourites are my Earth shoes.
7. How can I help? from my friend Ade.
You can't. Being here. Every comment is wonderful and nice. Someone who has known me so long. My Sparks purse, which i carry everywhere. It's perfect.
8. How's Toby? from ellen.
Toby is perfect. He rubs my back. He tells me he loves me. He needs me more than ever. He is on the verge of learning to read. He tries hard. He needs me. I am doing my best. I worry all the time,
9. Do you think that if you worked outside of the home it might help? How much do the kids understand/know and is counselling helping them to deal with their emotions?
I am looking for a job.
I'm pooped. You have exhausted me.

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