In my world crap is not a swear word. It's a state of mind.
Summer is nice. I like the kids around. The chaos. The disorganized schedules. Sleeping in. Running out the door with a cooler full of snacks – waiting for the day's adventure to begin. Freckles blooming.
I am constantly surrounded by children. It lets my mind roll around in childhood bliss while the kids are awake. I forget who i am for moments and hours at a time.
Then, at night; while the house sleeps the deep sleep of days filled with constant action, i sit and i think. I feel. I feel the small tingles in my brain that remind me of the poison i take to try and contain the swell of depression and anxiety. I sit lonely.
I resist bed. My sleep filled with twitches and anxiety fueled dreams that leave me sweaty and tired in the morning. I resist running out the door. Driving around desperately searching for myself. Where have i gone? When did i lose myself. When did i lose my fierce optimism. When did i become disenchanted by life in general. Who am i going to be when my kids are grown. Who will i talk to.
What will i be when i am old.
listen to my voice, that’s my disguise
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{ 7 comments }
First, I want to say that I enjoy reading and the pictures you put with your posts are amazing. They speak themselves.
I don’t know if it helps, but I, too, often wonder what I will be when *I* grow up. I suppose that thinking encompasses my children maturing. As parents, we get so wrapped up in the day to day grind that we often forget, or set aside, the yuck. Sometimes, that’s just for the better.
I believe our minds and hearts have ways of healing way beyond our own *doing*. Maybe throwing ourselves into our children is a way to just let other parts of us go on ‘auto.jpglot’ and work themselves out?
I don’t have the answers. I just keep clicking along, like you. Hang in there… sounds like you are working through some pretty powerful stuff.
I suspect a lot of us will still be here, loving you.
xo
You’ll talk to us, like you always do. Although, by that time, technology will be so amazing that you’ll only have to think about talking to us and the thoughts will travel through space and we’ll hear you and talk back, without touching our computers or the phone.
May there be lots of wonderful grandchildren!
I am scared of wht I will become also when my children are grown. What will I do?
I’m familiar with much of what you speak of.
ditto with “who am i going to be when my kids are grown”… sometimes i look at my husband after a long day and totally forget why we even got married. i’m that deep into the wee ones that i lost myself somewhere along the way.