I have very vague memories of what happened saturday night. I do remember being loaded in the ambulance and as it pulled away the paramedic standing over me yelled for the driver to turn it up to level 1.
Then i have this foggy memory that, as clich?? as it sounds, was an out of body experience. I was watching as the very large paramedic lay over top of me, trying to control a seizure and put an I.V. in. I had blood dripping down my arm from several failed attempts. Then he screamed that my pupil was blown.
I sat there thinking "that means i'm dead. right?" I remember seeing that on television.
And then i thought.
I thought, "i'm not scared."
I wasn't thinking of any kind of god. I was thinking of my children. How i had really screwed up this time. I had destroyed everything i loved.
Then for a brief moment i was in the emergency screaming. And i was scared.
And then it was morning and i woke up. Battered and bruised. But alive.
My life is, obviously, a mess. My marriage is under incredible stress. People don't know how to act around me. They don't even want to talk to me.
Except my kids. They are happy i am here. I am happy to be here. I am worried about the consequences my actions will have on them. I hope that with time they will understand.
i’m by your side
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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Unconditional love, it really does make the world go. Your kids will understand with your help. Help them understand, they will be more compassionate people for it. I am so happy to know you are still here, your honesty gives me tremendous hope.
Hang in there Jess. Your family loves you and that is the most important thing.
You are loved.
dear god jess!!! what the fuck is going on???!!!
what’s going on sweets???
why so much pain in your world?
email me if you want to…
i found your blog by sheer coincidence. i googled “clonazepam with effexor” and found your blog simply because you had named those two meds. i came home today with a perscription to both. i wanted to see what your experience was…what happened surprised me. i ended up reading your archives all the way up until your latest entry. i cried. i don’t know you. but i cried. your words sound like my own. how much you love your children..it overwhelms you. i feel the same about mine. if you ever EVER want to talk to someone who you have never ever talked to before, then feel free to talk to me. I am sure you have enough people online who support and truly care for you, but if you will let me, i want to be a part of this lucky group who have come to know you. Screw the people who post shitty comments. What the hell do they know? Nothing. They haven’t lived through depression and anxiety. So forget about them. Easier said than done. i know. But do it.
*hugs* from a stranger who is also a Canadian.
p.s. i will e-mail you as well so you can have my e-mail address. And with that, i will link you to MY blog.
I had the same reaction as Brandy when I read your archives a few months ago. Although I would never presume to know how you feel, I hope that being one of many who are reaching out will somehow help you feel calm, or at least know that you’re not alone. Those children are absolute perfection. Never forget how much they need you. You are in my thoughts and prayers…You can do this – you’re one tough lady. Take care.
I do. I want to talk to you. And I only wish I could be around, IRL. Those kids, Jess. Good Lord, those kids. They are amazing. Hold ‘em tight.
Aw hell, we all want to talk to you. I’m sorry that most of us live so far away, but believe me, there are plenty of people for you to turn to when you need to talk. I’m no longer much for IMing, but for you, tell me what service and I’ll install it. You know I’m around at weird hours, so if you want to talk, send me an email and I’m there, virtually. If you’d like my phone number, send me an email and I’ll give that to you too.
I’m glad the kids are doing okay. Fortunately, all they know is that they love you and that you’re sick, and they want you to feel better. I’m sure Shane will come around, but he’s been through an awful lot lately, so it’s hard to blame him for wanting off the rollercoaster. But, find some good long straightaways and hopefully you guys can work it out.
The kids will understand because you and Shane will help them understand.
I am the child of someone with a mental illness and I get it.
I too am here for you and hope you can feel my support through my few words.
Children are so resilient, they will be okay, if you are okay. And it’s true what everyone above has said about unconditional love, it heals all things.
Hold on tight, Jess.
Aww Jess hugs honey!
Sometimes I don’t know what to say, I’ll admit. But I’m thinking of you, very often. Wishing strength and peace to you.
Holy shit Jess.
You don’t know me from any stranger here in internet land, but I read your blog and just FEEL so much for you.
In my blackest depression, the responsibility to my family kept me going. Without my kids, there was no me. There was only a shell, a walking zombie of a person. I missed my kids so much when they went to school I would crawl into bed with them at night to make up the hours I missed. My responsibility to them kept me alive.
I hope you get that. I hope it comes to you. I hope it is already there.
Hang in there.
Terra
I am so glad that you’re here.
Jess,
You are beautiful and kind and funny and smart. You are loved very much by bazillions of people online, and five very important ones in your home. Wishing you peace, calm, strength and happiness with what you’ve been lucky enough to get. I would pay a bazillion dollars for just one husband and one child.
Bless you.
Wishing you all the best, and I’m so glad that you’re okay.
I’m making this suggestion in the most supportive way possible, and without any judgement or mean-spiritedness – Maybe your kids should talk to someone now? A professional who can really help them through this.
I want to talk to you and be around you. Really.
You proved something to yourself: You proved that you still want to be here.
Women attempt suicide more frequently than men. Men succeed more frequently than women. The majority of women’s attempts are called parasuicidal acts because it is an attempt at release of responsibility not a death wish. Men use more lethal methods because their motivations are different.
Dry, clinical, yes. But because of these things, I have confidence that you will be okay. As I read your beautifully-written entries, I see pain – and I know you want to end that. But I do not see the soul of someone who has given up. You are going to survive this.
Those who don’t understand the pit of despair you feel will now “get it,” and those that shy away in fear simply need time to come to terms with it.
i, too, am at a loss for words, but i’m full to the brim with wishes of wellness and love for you. what can i do to help?
Hi Jess,
I have beem following you for a few months. I wish you the BEST right now as you sort through your new reality….you have so much to lose. Hold onto life. It is really very short…and only GOD knows THE REST. and only GOD knows the BEST for you…find Him and see Him. HE loves YOU.. He created YOU.
love, carol
Hi jess
Jen here from Queenston St. I’ve read many of your entries, the last one being the one that hit home. So sorry that this crappy deprssion/anxiety thing has you by the throat, I know you will get past this period in life. I always thought/hoped that we would have become friends ( I never connected with the Ryan street park group, thought it was a bit bossy and organized.) But i always admired your love of life and natural way with any kid (even my odd one!) I don’t have any great advice for you – I’m sure you get your share of unsolicited advice anyway …. just a thought – I suffered from a very serious post partum depresssion after Leo’s birth. Lost tons of weight, was totally crazy, couldn’t sleep. felt very disconnected from everyone and everything, I finally went on an anti depressant (celexa) and felt well almost immediately. But after being on the drug for only a few weeks I started to feel suicidal. I couldn’t reason my way out of my negative thoughts like I could before the drug, one day I was at Zeller’s with the kids and I saw a bottle of drano and I thought ” I should drink that right now.” I’ve never had thoughts like that before and I know it was the drug. Maybe your medication is wrong for you, they do cause suicidal ideation and hell maybe Tom Cruise is right!!! These medications may cause more harm than good. Anyway that’s my rant. Really though, just wishing you wellness in the very near future. Don’t think for a minute that you have caused your kids harm … they will be more understanding people when they are adults because they know that we don’t all come pre packaged and without issues. And those who judge you- well let them because that’s their own mental illness – the worst one – head up one’s ass syndrome, incurable as far as I know.
Best to you, all those adorable kids and Shane.
Jen