I did it. And you know what? I do feel proud of myself. Leah asked me if i felt brave. At the time i didn't. I was stuck in this surreal, out-of-body feeling. The feeling of being trapped in another city, thousands of miles from my family.
Today i feel brave. I am less ashamed of the things i have done.
When you leave your children, even just for a few days; they change. They are in such a constant state of growth, whether it be physically or mentally. In five days they change. In small ways. Ways only a mother could see.
When i walked out of the gates at the victoria airport at midnight last night i was exhausted. Seeing them. So big. So happy. Yelling "mommy!" I felt very brave. And proud.
Proud that i am teaching that it's okay to do things that scare you. To trust that the world is a wonderful place filled with many wonderful people. That you can trust in strangers. That sometimes. Sometimes it's okay to do the things that terrify you just to say that you did it.
Nobody in my family wanted me to go to chicago. I almost turned around at the airport.
But. I went.
I wasn't very social. I did my best. I talked and hugged and clung on to things and people that made it a little easier.
I got this email today. It made me very happy:
usually, i'm in my own little world, oblivious of all the blogs out there via the black hole of the internet and truly am not looking to be a supernova.
however, i do notice people. i noticed you quite a few times, standing alone, having a cigarette or walking off to the side to be by yourself. i always smiled, because that's what i do when feeling awkward. i had no clue about your history before coming to the conference and always wanted to come up and say hi, but i didn't. mostly because, i just felt unsure. mostly of myself.
i just wanted you to know, there are other people out there who empathize with your life. i'm one of them. there is really no need to go into a long, diagramming dissertation of why, but just know, i wanted to meet you and i'm truly sorry, i didn't.
a very sincere, good luck with your progress.
And so after the dust settles. People have made their complaints. Petty battles have been waged. I will still have a wonderful memory of the bravest thing i ever did.
Thank you BlogHer and everybody even if it cost me six cold sores.
Gosh. What a weekend.
I have to say i felt very overwhelmed most of the time. And i did it all without anxiety medication.
Happily embraced by some. Awkwardly avoided by others.
I am only going to say this once – i'm sorry if i've made you uncomfortable. But this is my life. I will not apologize for who i am or the things i have done.
I met and met again some wonderful women. Friends. I couldn't have done it without them.
I couldn't have done it without jen. My roomie, my friend, my kindred spirit. The one who understood when i disappeared from parties. Brought me coffee. Just let me be.
The conference was great. The sessions i attended were great. The speakers engaging and full of useful information.
Again, being the geeky eco-conscious country girl, i was alarmed by the lack of recycling and general waste i saw. Swag bags tossed in the garbage. Mass consumption of free goods that will later be tossed out. Personally, i would rather see all the money that goes into the swag being used to fund the BlogHers Act initiative. As priviledged north americans do we really need more stuff just for the sake of "freebies"? Nothing is free. When i see knick-knacks and mass produced plastic crap it makes me think of who and what has suffered to produce them.
Chicago is a beautiful city, but the fact that they do not have recycling is shameful at best and criminal in it's self-indulgent lack of global thought.
The closing session was a keynote with Elizabeth Edwards. I really had no idea who she was until the conference. I walked out as i am unimpressed with being a campaign stop for an american politician who is too chicken to legalize gay marriage. Correct me if i'm wrong, but that's what i heard her saying. The whole "wife of the future president" thing is nauseating too.
It was not a topic of interest to me as a canadian.
Then we went to a cocktail party at the childrens museum where i had too much free wine because i had had enough of being surrounded by hundreds of people. Then a small sushi dinner with Lisa Stone who is an amazing woman.
Jen and i went to the Art Institute today which was spiritual. I had no idea walking in that i was going to see works by every famous artist who ever exisited. It was the perfect anti-conference thing to do.
Jen left in the afternoon which was tearful and sad. I adore her.
I wandered the city for hours and enjoyed an armenian dinner on my own. In the morning i'm going to shop a little. Check out the apple store and see if they can fix my iPod. Then home again.
That's my big recap.
This year i don't feel like going home and having a nervous breakdown. This is my year of new beginnings.
What a day.
I spent much of my day alone out on the pier smoking (yes i do that on occasion.)
I attended half a session on branding where they said you had to sum your blog up in five words. Hmm. What would i say? Today? I would say i attempted suicide live on the internet. And now you are all here to see me in person and witness what i look like. Stand back.
I had lunch and a long chat with Leah Peterson which was amazing. My trip was made perfect at that point. I love her.
Then the obligatory mommyblogger panel. It was good. MochaMomma made a well deserved stink about race and inclusion. I stood up and shakily commented about the divide between moms with babies/toddlers and moms with older children.
Then a dinner with Style magazine. Ick. They dumped my purse and "organized" it for me and now i can't find anything. I skipped out on that.
And! And my luggage is here. It went to hawaii and back. Lucky bugger.
I have my period and left my tampons (except for a few travel ones) in my luggage and so got to borrow tampons from Ariel Meadow-Stallings and Sarcastic Journalist.
Good night dirty undies. Hello luggage.
Well, here we are. I am feeling completely overwhelmed. So many people. So many people that know about me. I don't know about them.
This is an interesting place to be. The ultimate in facing the reality of my shared personal experience.
I know you. You're the one that tried to commit suicide three weeks ago. Step away.
What a day. !3 hours of travel. Luggage lost. Really lost. I think it's in spain.
But, here i am. I made it to the fancy schmancy cocktail party with my travelling clothes and smelly armpits.
Sarcastic Journalist called me a lesbian, Table for Five gave me her cell phone # so she could watch out for me, i paid $12 for a mojito, i am sleeping in Jen's jammies, i met blackbird – we knew each other right away, i am waiting for some pasta from room service as i haven't eaten a bite all day because i will not pay to eat crap food on an airline.
I'm stubborn that way.
Conference tomorrow.