This morning as i was walking out to my car i noticed something.
Something so fantastic.
Crocus flowers. Purple and yellow alongside the hundreds of snowdrops that have blossomed. Spring is coming.
For me the year really has two seasons; happy and sad.
Those flowers? They mean that sad is almost over.
And yes i am weaning myself off effexor. And yes i feel good about it. And no i have not talked to my doctor or a psychiatrist. But if you know anything about me by now, you know that i stick my tongue out to that.
Today i spent four hours doing cartwheels, bouncing on trampolines and doing triple holds on zip lines. It was exhilarating. It was fun. My children and i squealed with joy until the sun went down.
Exhausted after five straight hours of play i tucked them into bed. They fell asleep within minutes. I hovered for a few moments. Kissing every face. Feeling fresh and alive. Feeling the glow, the energy of youth wash over me. The joy of my children.
The perfect day.
Hello spring.
May you bring up fresh hope for me.
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EDITED TO ADD
I need you. Please say hello.
And oh my god cats stink the stinkiest farts ever.
EVER!!!
And thank-you to my friends who tolerate my drunken gate knocks.
I Lub you
To my dear friend who kissed my forehead – i am sorry for my gratuitous use of commas.
And my spelling mistakes.
I try my best to be everything for you. For everybody.
But i am not at my best. And no internet, i don't want your advice. Unless i ask for it.
I know you may be tired of me. Me and my sad ways. I am trying so hard.
I am trying so hard.
I can wake up four children at 7:45, feed them, clothe them, make lunches, shower, dress (with make-up) and have them at school by 8:30.
I can send four children to bed giggling.
I have four children who love me.
I am their biggest fan.
I spend my days making sure that life is easier for them.
That is my best.
They are my best.
Today i am a superhero.
Thank-you to my friend who sent me this necklace. It is perfect.
February 25, 2007
in drunk
Parker woke up this morning, snuggled between shane and i, kissed my forehead and said:
"I love you"
"I am too tired to fart."
Three year olds. They kill me.
I am feeling like i have no home. Like my heart has no home. I have lost it. I have lost my heart that beat happiness and joy through me.
For awhile i found happiness. For a short while i was happy. The thing that made me happy has gone.
I feel lost.
I wander through my days.
When i am with my children. When i am at the school doing cartwheels at recess. When i am playing catch on steep grassy hills with my kids and their friends i feel alive. I feel happy.
It's the moments in between. The nights. The hours while some are at school and parker and eliza and i try and fill our time. I am aimless. Lifeless. I have nothing anymore.
Shane tries so hard. He tries hard. He works hard. He has visions of wealth and happiness.
I have visions of a man who kisses my head when it aches. Who takes the time to just hold me. Who thinks i am everything good. Who understands that sometimes just sitting. Just smiling. Means more than a million nights side-by-side on the couch watching tv. That a tender touch on the cheek. That the small things bring my heart back to me.
I want my heart back.
- I have been feeling a little low, a little confused.
- I have walking pneumonia. Whatever. I don't feel much like walking.
- I have been weaning myself off effexor. slowly.
- I have been feeling good about that.
- I have a feeling the timing is not so great given recent events.
- I have lost five pounds. Summers coming don't you know.
- I have been following a friends coffee diet. Coffee for breakfast. Coffee for lunch. And, in a pinch, coffee can be dinner.
- I have been needing a friend who isn't available.