From the monthly archives:

January 2007

and it feels so real

January 31, 2007

in good days

I woke up this morning on the sunny side of the bed.
It is a beautiful, sunny, frosty day. The weather has been most wonderful for almost a week. We have spent hours playing at the school in the afternoons. The kids are happy. I am happy to see them happy.
The nights are beautiful. The almost full moon illuminating the clear skies. I like to sit alone in the chilly night air basking in the glow of the moon.
And so? And so today i am going to blog my day. A reminder to myself that life is good. I am a lucky woman.
January 31, 2007
7am – shane and eliza out of bed.
7:10am – toby out of bed
7:23am – jess and parker out of bed
7:45am – shane in shower, tristan forced out of bed.
8:15am – tristan, toby, eliza and shane off to school and work.
9:10am – jess and parker in shower together.
9:47am – jess turns up this song and dances with parker.
10am – parker watches bob the builder while eating a bowl of mini-wheats.
10:02am – jess cleans up kitchen, turns on dishwasher, collects many loads of dirty laundry from upstairs, hauls them down, turns on first of many loads.
10:13am – jess and parker in car, off to tim hortons for a coffee for jess and a treat for parker, then off to school for kindergarten pick-up.
10:14am – score! shane forgot his wallet which contains $20 that is now in jess' pocket.
11:30am – kindergarten over. hook up kids with parents.
11:35am – parker and eliza play in sand while jess plays with toby's class on the field.
noon – $10 gas pumped. two happy meals from mcbarfy drive-thru. $20 spent.
12:19pm – home. happy meals smothered with ketchup.
12:20 – feed marmalade.
12:21 – unload dishwasher
12:26 – change laundry, fold first load.
12:45pm – check voicemail. return three phonecalls – two parents with concerns and principal about re-enrollment. Remember need to make dentist appointment and call house insurance. Forget about this walking from kitchen to playroom, now remember.
1:11pm – kick eliza off computer, damn webkinz. check email. i need viagra.
1:12pm – brush teeth, check laundry – not dry.
1:15pm – back in car, off to grocery store. will write check, payday tomorrow. Then to school for 2:20 pick-up.
2:30pm – chat with parents while kids play.
2:40pm – swing on swings with parker and eliza
3:00pm – short meeting with principals
3:42pm – walk down to pond beside school to see if we can skate on it. Yes!!
4:07pm – home again.
4:11pm – fix snacks for kids – cheese buns, apples and dry cereal.
4:19pm – fold laundry. load number four on.
4:29pm – check email, phone school confirming prices for out-of-school care and preschool program beginning next year.
4:31pm – take dogs out for short walk.
5:00pm – start dinner – sausages, wild rice and ceasar salad.
5:11pm – change and fold another load of laundry.
5:29pm – 18 minutes on the phone with school about various things.
5:48 – open bottle of cider and drink it in front of my kids
5:49pm – kids running naked down street because i am too drunk to notice.
5:59pm – shane's home. Early!!
6:12pm – dinner
6:14pm – kids done dinner.
6:28pm – jess and shane do dishes, kids upstairs.
6:31pm – another load of laundry, last one in drier.
6:31pm – kids get into jammies. more laundry to do tomorrow.
6:40 pm – talk to shane about his day *yawn*, my day *same old, same old*, the new shins album and the new modest mouse single.
6:47pm – go upstairs and dance to abba with tristan
6:56pm – play "store" with toby, eliza and parker, buy back all the things they stole from my room.
7:07pm – get parker into bed, read stories – if i could drive a dumptruck and maisy drives the bus – sing songs – itsy bitsy dumptruck, ballgame and twinkle twinkle little stoplight – turn out lights.
7:47pm – realize it's me snoring beside parker.
7:49pm – check email, phone friend. Going out for beer with friend! Must stop at coffee shop in lake for cappuccino first.
7:51pm – feed dogs, feed cat, turn dishwasher on. Shane putting other kids to bed.
7:51pm – forgot to call dentist. crap. go upstairs brush teeth.
7:54pm – phone board member regarding fire safety check at school. fix hair and face while talking.
8:11pm – dash to store to get chocolate for shane, must be his time of the month.
8:27pm – drop off chocolate.
8:54pm – stop at school photocopy a few things for other board members, put in their mailboxes. Log on school computer, check email, update post.
9:07pm – leave for pub. stopping at bank machine first. Shane paid us today. Yippee.
9:08pm – shit. forgot about groceries in car. At least it's freezing out.
9:27pm – in the parking lot. no friend.
9:28pm – friend calls. husband not home from fancy chef job.
9:30pm – play with cell phone. update contacts.
9:40pm – call friend. husband still not home. tell her i am going home.
9:41pm – stop at beer and wine store. buy some hermanns.
9:55pm – home again. give shane beer. watch last few minutes of the sopranos while folding last load of laundry.
10:01pm – the groceries! run to van, unload groceries.
10:10pm – get kids stuff ready for all school swim tomorrow. get lunch bags ready for packing in morning.
10:11pm – shane says i look pretty. someone wants to get lucky.
10:50pm – shane goes to bed. jess is tired. shane gives me a kiss and a goose.
10:51pm – goodnight. let dogs out. lock dogs and kitty in playroom. brush teeth, wash face, put on anti-wrinkle cream. lay in bed not sleeping. goodnight good day.
11:00pm – still up. didn't go upstairs yet. check AIM, nobody there. go outside admire moon. the sky is so clear, the moon is so bright. perfect for full moon soccer. listen to new shins album, very good. read novel in progress. must work on it. tomorrow night.

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this vicinity

January 30, 2007

in a little history

Sometimes while the kids are playing or when we are having a really good moment, or a particularly fierce one i sit back and realize that my kids are all creating memories.
The thing about their memories is i can't control what they remember, what little hurtful thing i may say, without thinking, that they will remember forever.
What will their memories of me be?
What are my memories?
Everytime you compare a child's memory of an event to a parents – the two stories are different. The feelings around them. Both are often surprised by how the other remembers an event.
I have talked with my parents about things that i remember that make me smile and things that haunt me.
One in particular is my summers away from my family. My mom often sent me on adventures with other families. Adventures of a lifetime. But, i was (and still am) an introverted child. I always wanted to be at home. I didn't even like birthday parties. So, my mom remembers sending me off to places, some of which she had never even seen, excited for the memories that were being created for me.
When i think about and remember my summer holidays i think of feeling desperately alone and homesick. Longing for my family. Longing for the routine of home.
I remember being sad.

{ 3 comments }

no more tooth
He's toothless and far beyond perfect. My parker is taking me on a preschooler hell-ride. He is the most stubborn, rage-prone, affectionate three year old i have ever loved.
He screams at me, hits me, bites me, punches me – every single day. I feel at a loss. I feel like the most pathetic parent on the planet.
And really? After three other kids shouldn't i know better by now?
But. But, i have never dealt with anything like this. They are all so different.
Maybe i am vulnerable right now. Well, yes, i am vulnerable right now. But, when my three year old screams he hates me and is going to punch me if i don't give him exactly what he wants right now, it just makes me sad. Sad that he feels things so strongly at such a tender age. Sad that he is so emotional. Worried about what he will be like in a few more years.
I am fine. Weak, but fine. I am immobilized by my body. I didn't menstruate for ten years. And now i am so weakened by my late 30's reproductive system that it is nearly killing me. I can feel the life flowing out of me.
I have never been one of those women that was struck by PMS or pre-PMS or whatever you want to call it. I am tough and i have always taken everything in stride. But my body does strange things that i don't understand now that i am of advanced maternal age.
Anyway. *uncomfortable pause*
I have been focusing on positive things this past week. Little moments, gestures, seconds in time that i hope and wish for my abused brain to store in it's memory.
Last night the school had a coffee house fundraiser. Tristan and her kids' marimba band performed. They were incredible. I have never been more proud. My daughter doing something so well, something that i could never do. It was inspiring.
I was watching toby at school last week ( i had a two hour "team" meeting about him and was very focused on him). He is so loved by everybody in the school it amazes me. I have never been loved in that way. Kids from kindergarten to grade seven are happy to be around him. To play with him. He is adored and it warms my heart in a way i never thought possible.
Eliza lost her first tooth today. She swallowed it. She was so proud in a way that only a shy kid could be. Just a subtle smile to everybody around. An invitation to notice "hey! there's something different here." She has grown taller. I was watching her at swim lessons today, she is bigger. More beautiful. Those dimples and that little strawberry blond bob – she makes me swoon.
And parker. Aside from above. He rubs my back when we are in bed. He leans over and kisses me the most perfect kiss when i don't expect it. He is polite and exuberant. He is cute as hell. And he is mine.
They are all mine.
And i love them.
They make my life worth living. More than worth. They make it perfect.
Thank-you for the break.

{ 11 comments }

jess needs

January 24, 2007

in fucking depression 2007!

Dear jess,
Why do you hate me so? So little sleep. Cap'n Crunch for lunch? The beer, the wine. The coffee, my god the coffee. Ever heard of water?
I am giving you a warning. Cold, cold sore, cough, dry skin and acne. Let this be a lesson.
Your body.
Dear body,
I don't hate you. I'm even happy with you. I just hate myself.
No.
I hate my life.
No.
I am having a bad week and i am taking it out on you. I will try and do better.
Yours truly,
jess
** Taking a little break. **
Parker is fine. Toothless, but fine. It was much, much worse for me than him.
See you in a few days.

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the love you hoped to find

January 21, 2007

in parker

A few months ago parker bit me. I pushed him away and his tooth chipped.
On tuesday morning he is going to have dental surgery to pull out the now dead tooth. He will be sedated.
This is the fourth time i will have to watch one of my children put under anesthetic. I am dreading it. It is like watching them stand beside deaths' door. Their little bodies totally unconscious. Then walking away, out of the operating room. It is the longest, hardest march to that waiting room.
I realize that these are minor surgeries, minor things. It doesn't matter when it is your own child. Every risk is one to be weighed and measured. Agonized over.
I would have left that dead tooth sitting there, despite how it makes me sad every time i look at it and think about the circumstances that caused it, but it causes him some pain and it could, possibly, affect his adult teeth.
I don't like taking risks with my kids. I do, however, like them to take some risks. To try something new, to try something that frightens them, to try and eat something green.
All of this to say i am a little nervous. A little scared.
Parker encompasses all of me. He is all the good parts and all the bad parts of me. I love him limitlessly.

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