take these gifts

I have been thinking a lot the past couple days about how much i share here. The parts of the picture that are missing. The things i don't talk about. The things i talk a lot, too much, about. I'm not sure where the balance is. How i can give a more complete picture of my life.
As i sat in the kitchen preparing dinner this evening and the kids bustled in and out on a continual basis i had to take a step back for a moment. Sit in the middle of the floor, clutching my heart, over-flowing with this immense love. The details of my life that i can't possibly put into words.
How tristan hangs around me like a little shadow, aching to always be close, learn every little thing she can. How toby will often get stuck in the middle of a thought, repeat a word over and over holding his place in the conversation until he gathers his thoughts. Sometimes when he can't get his thoughts together he'll just stop and say "so mom, how was your day?" How eliza asks me the same question every single day, "is my water from lunch old?" How whenever parker and i are alone and i lift him into his carseat he'll lean in close and plant the most perfect kiss on my lips.
I have had a very difficult day. Immensely sad about so many things. My book. Mostly my book. All the words i lost and how hard it is to start again. I sit and look at the screen and nothing comes out. I woke up this morning with swollen eyelids and a heavy heart.
But, at the end of the day, those little moments in my life. Getting to watch these four fabulous creatures grow and learn and love. That's what really matters. That's what keeps me walking a straight line.

*****
Shane and i will be putting together, redesigning, my book of poetry over the holidays. I have thought and thought about the tip jar thing. I just can't do it.
Thank-you so much for all your kind words. They have moved me and helped in ways i can't even explain.
jess
xxoo