I have just deleted 6107 emails from my inbox. All messages, or comments that were important to me. Things i wanted to respond to. One of them was probably from you.
I am not saying that i am going to get better at responding to people. Or commenting. Or communicating. Communication is key and the very hardest thing for me.
I just needed to get rid of that guilt.
I'm sure there was an offer to give me thousands of dollars in there that had nothing to do with anybody living in a foreign country and needing to deposit money into my bank account.
I am attempting to tip the scales in my favour by relieving stress.
No christmas baking? Pshaw. It's just bad for you, beside i have a stockpile of Vermont Nut Free chocolates for the kids.
Way less presents? Makes everybody appreciate what they have more.
Shoddy wrapping jobs? Phplth. You're just going to rip the paper off anyway.
Too many christmas specials on TV while mom naps? Priceless.
All of this also means while i had every good intention of sending out christmas cards to every single one of you who sent me one, i just can't do it. I love every card. The kids and i marvel at them. Lot's of "gee mom, you're popular!"
and "Can i have my own website?"
We are still battling the flu and colds and hoping not to subject my beautiful new nephew to our plague over the weekend. I am snotty and barky, but interestingly, full of life.
Shedding the burden of responsibility this holiday season. Enjoying my family. Enjoying you.
Thank-you for everything.
A friend reminded me tonight of the Christmas Oratorio by Bach. You should listen. It will bring you back down to earth.
To a peaceful place where simple things make you happy.
Where gifts become more about showing and giving love rather than the physical, plastic things that cost more money than they are worth.
Where a little cat becomes such a lifeforce in your home in a few short days you wonder what life was like before they were there. Before they sat on the "l" key. Screwing up your typing over and over.
And i'm sorry. I love dogs. I love animals. But, cats are much, much smarter than dogs.
But, they have smelly bums. Which they like to point out at every opportunity. Like right now. In the middle of the Oratorio, walking across my chest. Tail up.
I am in the middle of making a christmas video. I have been viewing tape of the christmas party. I have mucho footage of me drunk dirty dancing in sexy dress and bare feet. Plus sexy husband singing "I'll melt with you" and "Hungry Like the Wolf."
We are so eighties.
I am doing well. I am learning to live in this life. That life, well, maybe it's just hard. That everybody has a tough road to walk on. That maybe the choices i make are not always the right ones. That i need to accept and love what i have. That i need to let go of the past that haunts me so. That maybe, just maybe, life isn't this hard for everybody else. That, indeed, i need help.
But then? This is who i am. I see the beauty in so many small things because i can't feel beauty and happiness in the bigger picture.
This is why i was so scared of taking drugs. Why i have fought them every step of the way.
I am who i am. I have always been sad. I remember being sad when i was three. But i also remember the smell of the soil when i was three.
I remember wanting to die when i was five. But i also remember the beauty of a single tree. The moss that grew up it's side. the way the branches dipped with age. The way in fall it was barren, but in spring it would be reborn again.
I can see all these things. My children being born from beauty and sadness. How much i love them. Fill every inch of my being with them. How despite every single thing i do, they are their own person. Tristan is musical, toby is creative, eliza is strong willed and parker is too young to be anything but beautiful.
I feel so inspired. I am going to finish my novel. I know it now. I will listen to this music every night.
Can you be an artist and never paint or draw a thing?
Are words art?
This one is for chair who lost her cat, Job, last week.
We, being not overwhelmed enough, have added a new family member. He is a christmas present for the kids, who have been relentless for the past month.
His name is Marmalade. He is lucy's new best friend. The girls are both allergic, but we are hoping it will pass.
The weather here has been unbelievable. We have had more hours without power than with in the last three weeks. We are bracing for a major storm tonight with winds expected up to 100km an hour. When the storm starts we are planning on evacuating from our house because of all the huge trees surrounding us that have been loudly cracking and dropping huge branches over the past few days. Our road is littered with branches and debris, so much so that it is difficult to drive on.
Yesterday i read "Life Interrupted" by Spalding Gray. I loved Spalding Gray. His humour, his sadness, his anxiety, his love of children and gentle nature. The book, although very sad, was inspiring. How he is remembered so fondly. The deep impact he had on people and their lives.
It has left me melancholy, but ready to work on my novel again. To reach out and grasp at the small, beautiful things in life.
I went out for beer with a very old friend last night. We talked, mostly, about me. My hesitation about therapy. My distrust of the whole field of psychiatry and psychology. Bad experiences i have had. He convinced me to give it a try.
I owe it to myself, my family, my friends to do everything i can to be well. To live this life in the best way i can. To walk quietly and gently instead of sadly.
The stomach flu is taking down my children like dominoes. Each falling about twelve hours apart.
I don't really mind. Other than the mountains of laundry and their sad little faces, it's nice to take a step back from the hustle and bustle of our lives.
I did, however, learn that there are some foods you should definitely not feed your children when barfiness is on the horizon, they are in no particular order:
- chili
- chocolate
- ceasar salad
- blue jello
- chocolate pudding
- any combination of, or at all costs, all of these at the same time.