What a month.
It has been a great, wonderful, excellent month.
I have reached, i think, the very bottom of my emotional depth. Only to be taken over by nature.
I have not watched television. At all.
I started, and almost finished, my NaBloPoMo novel.
Three days ago when i was hunkered down in my friends house i went to go write and my novel was gone. All except 13,000 words at the beginning and 250 at the end. I was so sad. Devastated.
But, now? I am ready to soldier on. I will finish that novel.
Shane is redesigning my book of poetry.
I have learned how much i love nature. How much it hurts me when the world takes it for granted. I was the one at BlogHer bitching about the lack of recycling. I love animals immensely. We see at least 50 deer a day, but i still slow down every time and point them out to my kids.
I have learned how much all of you mean to me. You are all a part of my life. Every single day. You make me happy. I am thankful for that.
Don't go away. I need you here.
Happy December.
jess
xx
This is my house a few days ago.
Our power has gone out two more times in the past few hours and we are trying desperately to heat it back up. Right now it's 57. Our friend is on his way over with a drywall heater that should heat it up real quick.
I have put my foot down and refuse to leave. Even if we all end up huddling together under a mountain of sleeping bags.
We have had nine inches of snow in the past 90 minutes and it's not letting up. The snow is up to my hipbone.
What happened to Fall?
I am stuck in this surreal half-life.
I hope all returns to normal soon.
What a way to delay the start of the holiday season.
Wish me luck.
Our power just came on after five nights without. We have no fire, so no heat and we are on a well, so no water or toilets, when the power is out.
It has been a long, cold week. Without the help of friends i'm not sure how we would have made it.
It has reminded me of all the things that are important in life and how during times of crisis love isn't all you need.
Heat and water are necessities of life. I will never take them for granted again.
I will also never take for granted hot showers, clean clothes, my pillow, my bed, the internet, coffee first thing in the morning and warm hands – especially parkers on my belly in the morning.
Our power is set to go out again at any moment. It is snowing again and the temperature is dropping and the trees are weeping from the weight of it all.
When the power went back on the temperature in my house was 41f. It is going to take days to heat up in here.
See you soon. I hope.
Still no power.
The kids are at school and so am i so i have internet access for a short while.
I have begged forgivness for not posting yesterday.
Please let me stay in NaBloPoMo???
I am fine. Doing fine.
Miserable and cold.
I want my house back.
see you soon.
I am without power, without internet access. The snow? It is falling hard.
I am sitting in the driveway of a coffee shop, risking life and limb – in the dark hours – just to post to NaBloPoMo.
My novel? It will be done by christmas, NaNoWriMo? i kissed you goodbye when our power went out thursday and i had only 24% battery power left on my iBook.
I am happy and embarassed that all of you want my book of poetry. It contains, at least, 10 naked photos of me. I'm going to take all of those out. Sorry.
I am good. Okay. Not so good.
It's so hard. Sitting here. Telling you every little thing about my life. My life? It is wonderful and perfect. A husband who loves me, beautiful children, grandparents. Yet. But.
Today i went for a walk alone in the snow. I love the snow. And i thought, i guess this is how it will be, this is the best it will be. Sadness that soaks me. Like wet clothes in the winter that never really dry. I will always be sad. To say that. It is so hard.
I sit with my husband, and we talk, and we laugh, but the whole time i am just pretending to be happy. I am not happy. I am overcome by sadness. My head hurts, it reels.
I don't want advice today.
I know i need to see a doctor, a naturopath, a therapist.
Today, i am just telling you that i walked down my road alone and i wished that the sadness would go away. I wished that i could be dead.