As it was my birthday recently and nobody bothered to get me anything and i was feeling depressed anyway i went out and bought myself a gift.
A very expensive gift.
A sony digital video camera with a built in 30g hard drive. Yowza.
But, and this is a question for all you apple computer superheroes, i can't figure out how to upload the video to my computer.
The camera seems to be trying to talk to my camera, but i get nothing.
Nothing.
And here i have this exhilirating five minute video of me wandering around my house and yard introducing y'all to everybody. Even the chickens. Chickens!
Can anybody help me. I feel like such a loser.
As some of you may remember last year for halloween tristan dressed up as a port-a-potty, or johnny on the spot to you americans.
She is a quirky thing.
She's just like me, never one to follow the crowd, bucking the trends. She has never had a single toy that she enjoyed. She'd rather be reading a book or hanging out with any available adults.
This year she is doing band for the first time. All the girls picked out the flute or clarinet. Her? The trombone. The honking daily practice that has ensued has tested every inch of patience i have for large ducks being murdered in my house.
She is definitely my daughter. When i started band i picked the most obscure instrument i could think of, the bassoon.
This year for halloween she is being santa's evil twin. When i was nine i dressed up as elton john's sunglasses.
I've been thinking today about my life. How my life, the little paths i take every day, are exactly the same as so many other people. People fortunate enough to live this privileged life.
What the hell makes me so sad.
Why do i have to go through this. Isn't living through hard times, bad things, bad people enough. Can't i just be happy.
I am overcome with sadness today. I am back at the bottom.
I desperately don't want to be here.
I am participating in NaNoWriMo. Perhaps this is a good mood to start my planning for that from. Perhaps not.
I am hoping this will be a rapid downward cycle. That i will feel better again soon.
I have this crazy idea. Tell me what you think.
As part of his work shane does a lot of conference calls that he records as mp3's. Making the call is free. You get an access code and call a 1-800 number. The conference can accomodate up to 50 people.
I want to start a monthly bloggy crush chat. And then post it here for the world to listen to.
I picture talking with all of you about topics like depression, medication, children, boobs. You know.
We'd have a specific topic each time and talk like internet friends do. Like people who share intimate details, but have never met or even talked.
What do you think?
I think the reason i had so much fun in miami is that i was expecting nothing. I was expecting to be sent into some hurly burly sadness and despair.
Travelling to my miami by myself was liberating. I loved running through the airports knowing that i was completely free and in charge of my own destiny. Nobody was watching me to make sure i was okay. Nobody knew me. I was just another traveller. On my way to or from some journey. Another person plugged into their ipod, desperately trying to get an overpriced wifi connection in airports across the country.
Miami was beautiful. A place so different from my home. A place where i could let go of all my anxiety and sadness for a few days.
Travelling home was painful and long – save for a visit with shane's sister, her husband and their very beautiful two month old son in toronto. I held that baby, gently swept my face across his soft and new head, and felt alive and happy.
When i got home and snuck into bed beside parker in the early morning hours his chubby little hand reached out and hesitantly touched my face and hair. Testing to see if it was really me. He sat up in his sleep, gave me a kiss and a hug and settled back into gentle snores. His head resting in the curve where my arm meets my body.
I spent the day yesterday enjoying my children. My head filling with the colds of thousands of miles covered breathing the recycled air of hundreds of people. The head cold is a small price to pay for the days away and the appreciation they gave me for this life i have and share.