i like to think i’m a mess you’d wear with pride

I'm feeling much better. I'm feeling much better. I am feeling much better.
I want to say the clouds have parted and the sun is shining again. But, it's not that simple.
I feel more normal, more like myself than i have in months. I am feeling, i hesitate to say it, happy. I feel happy for lots of moments throughout the day.
The weather has been beautiful. Sun shining down on beautiful fall colours. The kids are happy.
When i was lying with parker tonight trying to lull him into sleep, he wasn't all that sleepy. He was trying to get me to stop pretending it was sleepy time. He asked me "would you like me to rub your back?"
In that moment i felt like i could die happy. My little son, picking up my small ways of making him happy and sleepy, trying to pass them back to me. Showing me he loved me.
I have been so unhappy for so long now. I haven't felt this much pain. Ever. Last time i was depressed i didn't have children. I had nothing to live for. There is nothing more painful than knowing that you do have something to live for, even when you don't want to.
Smiling faces in the morning, expecting care and love, are like poison to the sad heart.
I am thankful for all of you. I am thankful for all these words i have shared. I am beyond grateful for shane and my children for loving me like they do.
I am not beyond knowing that i may wake up in the morning feeling like crap again. But, i have felt good for a couple of days now.
To know me is hard.Thank you for knowing me and listening to me.