parker turns three

Today is parker's third birthday.
Aside from my sadness that he is three and really not a baby anymore i feel so happy to have him in my life. As he opened his presents tonight he exclaimed;
"wow! you guys sure got me a lot of stuff!
i'm a lucky little guy.
awesome!"
Parker has been perfect to me since the moment he was born, quietly and planned in a sterile operating room, while the student nurse wept quietly in the corner. It's not the perfect vision, but it's mine. All of my other kids were born under stressful conditions. As they wheeled me down the hall with him in my arms i felt like the luckiest person in the world.
I cherished those first few days alone with him in the hospital, despite the onset of the predictable red-headed response of infection in my body.
After eliza was born we were pretty sure that we had enough kids, sure enough that shane booked an appointment for a vasectomy. I remember a few days after i came home from the hospital finding some sample jars and stuff from his missed vasectomy. It was kind of a profound moment for me. The way life can change on a moment in time. A moment where you sleep in instead of heading to an appointment.
I was so full of love for parker from the moment i saw him, before i saw him. I loved being pregnant the fourth time around. It took me that long to really let go of my insecurities and love that belly. I loved every moment. Every twist and turn.
In the months after he was born i was desperate to have another baby. I mourned and was angry that when the doctor leaned over and asked shane if we wanted my tubes tied "while he was in there" that i didn't speak up and yell "no!"
I didn't. And now i can't have another baby.
Recently i'm okay with that though.
I guess since weaning parker in the spring i've realized that i'm pretty damn lucky for what i have.
Four beautiful kids – 3,5,7 and 9.
Happy birthday parker.
xxoo