There's this thing that happens when you're sad and depressed for a long time. And when you're loved.
You want to ruin everything.
Destroy the thing that loves you.
It's like suicide, but more painful.
I am trying so hard to be better. To be happy.
but, i'm not. And i love you. Dear internet that listens to all my complaints and applaudes me on my successes. And tells me how cute my children are.
I just want to talk to somebody and somebody keeps melting away.
I can't cry anymore. The drugs have stolen that from me.
And that would be a relief.
I have had a bad day.
And i know you're tired of my bad days and you want good stories. The stories i tell, full of hope and appreciation.
I want that too.
I'm sorry.
good morning to you
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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
please, don’t be sorry. sending prayers your way.
Seconding what Irene said. I know what’s it’s like to feel that way and I really hope you come out the other side of it soon. I’m sure you will. You’re doing really well, even though it probably doesn’t feel like it. *hugz*
I can only speak for myself but I would venture to guess that those who come here, do so to read about you and your life. Good, bad, hopeful or not…Don’t you ever apologize …please keep talking…we’ll listen. ((Jess))
Exactly. Just keep talking. Be as sad as you need to be for as long as you need to be it. Let it go. We’ll all still be here.
I’ve been feeling depressed myself lately, not through and through, just in bits. It’s such a scary feeling and I thought about you this weekend when I felt this way. I think you are so brave to handle it the way that you have been and share it with all of us. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and hope that your better days get here soon.
Never be sorry for keeping it real. I love you no matter what you share. I just wish I could help.
Don’t be sorry. You’re openness and honesty is part of what will get you through. And we’re here to listen (read). We’re here by choice. Every day. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know that I’m not going to stop reading because it’s not always flowers and sunshine. You’re real.
Here’s hoping you see better days soon.
I wish you wouldn’t apologize.
We all have struggles -
we can help with yours, if only via the ether.
Recovery is a journey filled with ups and a lot of downs. I am here for all of it. I like you because you are real. You’re not cheeky or snarky or trying to write like someone you’re not. Write whatever helps, and I will be here to read it. Your honesty makes you so unique and special.
I agree with the others. I think it’s great that you are sharing. {{{Big Hugs}}}
Nothing wrong with having a bad day – life’s not all sunshine and roses. Thinking about you!
Jess, you are so brave to share your struggles, and in your darkest moments, I hope you know that you are not alone. It will get better, I promise.
don’t be sorry.. it just breaks my heart for you- i want good things and times for you too. you’ll get there. THANK YOU for sharing all of this with us- honestly, it’s refreshing and honest and even though it’s heartbreaking… IT IS REAL. and it is life. and i love you for it
Don’t ever be sorry! Being on Effexor myself, I have had no problems and I felt better with in 2 weeks. I know side effects are different for all but maybe Effexor isn’t right for you?
All we want is for you to keep getting better.
Jess, I know that feeling – wanting to ruin everything. You’re not ruining anything here. Keep sharing.
One day at a time, sweetie. One day at a time.
Don’t be sorry….you feel the way you do and are doing the best you can.
I was a sniveling wreck yesterday and snarled at my mom and snarled at the kids and made life hell….
we all have good days and bad days and those of us suffering depression…well those good days and bad days seem to have no inbetweens…..and what can we do?
You are doing great.
Don’t be sorry, just do what you need to do and get yourself closer to a better, new day. You don’t have to feel all lovey and bubbly. Just do what you can, and know that your family loves you no matter what.
Just checking back in, Jess. One thing I want to tell you is that truth is so much more reassuring for people to read than “hope and appreciation.” We’re all just trying to find our way home, darling. At least you admit it.
This is a terrific post. You are so honest and I feel honoured that here I can read exactly how you feel. Thank you for helping me understand what this is like…I don’t only come here to see happy posts, far from it. I’m sending you a big hug. Keep sharing…
bring on the sad, jess. destroy us.
Jess, I honestly haven’t ever read anything so real to me. I feel like this and I haven’t put it into words so articulately; and because you did, I know there is someone else out there who understands me. Thank you. ((HUGS))
Delurking to just be with you here in this sadness. I know it well, we are old friends, this deep seemingly unending sadness that even tears don’t wash away. But it does end. The pit is not bottomless and you will feel better again, I promise. Sometimes the next day is just the tiniest bit better, you can breathe a bit. Sometimes the joy is striking when it returns suddenly, even for a moment. It is still there, just keep believing even tho you can feel it, the only way out is through. We are here.
Just catching up on your blog. Seems like we’re both kind of in the same place. Just letting you know that I know where you’re coming from today.
Things may seems bleak and grey……but they won’t be like that forever.
That’s a promise!