I've felt better before, but i've felt worse too. Tomorrow i double my dosage. I'm a little nervous about that as i still have these annoying aches in my head.
My heart is a little lower today. I lost five pounds this week. Not that that would be so annoying, except that i know i would feel a little better, a little less queasy and tired if i could eat.
I took the kids out shopping for back-to-school supplies today. I always try and make these milestone, turning point events, special in some way. In a week and a half eliza will start kindergarten. Tristan will be in grade four and toby in grade 1/2. Eliza has never been away from me before because of her peanut/tree nut allergies. This is a momentous thing for our little family.
She's more than a little nervous. I was too, until effexor obliterated many emotions from my brain. Now, i'm just anxious that i haven't done all the things i have to to get the school ready for her. She picked out her first backpack (strawberry shortcake), lunchbox (tinkerbell) and pencil case (disney princess). My kids have never seen any disney movies because i hate them, the movies – not my kids, so her choices were really based on what was prettiest and pinkest. And i think, fingers crossed, she's getting excited and is going to make it through this ordeal.
Parker insisted that he was going to school too ( he's not) and ended up with a "cars" backpack and lunchbag and a backyardigans pencil case. He kept saying "i'm ready to go to school mommy! without you!" When i explained to him that he would go to preschool and not to his brother and sisters school he pouted his lip and asked "what about A?"
A. is the principal at the kids school and their swim teacher. They adore him and apparently it was more important to parker that he be there than any other member of his family.
This really set parker off and as i was trying to get him into his carseat he lunged forward and bit me on the shoulder drawing blood and pulled out a big chunk of my hair all the while yelling "Dumb mommy! I don't love you!"
Normally i would let this behaviour slide off my shoulders. But, at that moment, i had had enough of fighting this week. Enough of doing my best. Just wishing that my best could be easier. That i could laugh at parker's craziness like i used to. Sad that he hurt me so much. And for the first time all week i started to cry.
I climbed into the drivers seat, took a deep breath and turned around to see the pale and worried face of my beautiful oldest daughter, tristan. She knows. She knows something is wrong. She knows when i need to sleep for an hour or more every afternoon and pay her a toonie to play with parker and lizey. When at dinner i eat nothing and walk away sadly when nobody eats what i make and all they do is complain. When all the things i used to laugh about, or shrug off make me turn away now.
I took them all out for japanese. All of our favourite. We had sushi and tempura and some cheers with icy waters to the beginning of another school year and the end of a summer full of lots of adventures.
you don’t have to be there to catch me, i won’t fall
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This entry broke my heart. I am too familiar with these feelings.
Ah, honey. This one made me tear up. Hang in. Thinking of you…
I think being bitten so badly while your hair being pulled merits tears.
Tristan will see you feel better too…
Tristan’s a rockstar and will see you through it all. When she’s 25 and your very best friend (as my mom and I are), you’ll laugh over these things. I’d say you should rejoice in Parker’s independence, but I’d cry over pulled hair and bitten shoulders too. Revel in the small things, the toasts and the tempura, as you’ve always been so good at appreciating little bits of goodness.
I, too, am familiar with those feelings. When you know the things that they’re doing are just regular kid-things, but you can’t help but let it bother you. Most of us have been there and will be there again. Hang in there and hopefully soon, the good days will far outweigh the bad.
It’s hard when they start to “get it” beyond “Mommy is sad”. When they know there is something up and that their actions affect it.
Tristan is your rock. There’s a reason she was your first. She can handle this – and so can you.
I have been having ups and downs like that with my kids too. Well, with my youngest. I feel less patient with her behavior lately and somehow a bit distant and less sympathetic. I know if I could connect my empathy her behavior would improve so I’m working on it, but it’s tough when they do hurtful things like that. Time away helps too. When is the last time you did something fun just for you that you enjoy. A break. That ALWAYS refreshes me!
take care of you.
I can’t imagine how difficult this all is for you. I don’t know what to say other than I’m sending thoughts of strength your way and I hope that you are finding time, even if it’s only 10 minutes each day to take care of yourself. Treat yourself gently, you are doing the best you can. I hope the Effexor kicks in and does what you need it to do. And I hope that you’ll get a bit of a break with school starting. Hang in there.
You are doing an amazing job…when most would be hiding under the covers..there you are.
The going to school thing is emotional anyway.
I am excited about Adam starting pre school…but…that means he is growing up and not right by my side 24/7!
Caity will be crushed when she realizes she isn’t going.
I have been VERRY emotional about all of this.
Hugs hun……