I've felt better before, but i've felt worse too. Tomorrow i double my dosage. I'm a little nervous about that as i still have these annoying aches in my head.
My heart is a little lower today. I lost five pounds this week. Not that that would be so annoying, except that i know i would feel a little better, a little less queasy and tired if i could eat.
I took the kids out shopping for back-to-school supplies today. I always try and make these milestone, turning point events, special in some way. In a week and a half eliza will start kindergarten. Tristan will be in grade four and toby in grade 1/2. Eliza has never been away from me before because of her peanut/tree nut allergies. This is a momentous thing for our little family.
She's more than a little nervous. I was too, until effexor obliterated many emotions from my brain. Now, i'm just anxious that i haven't done all the things i have to to get the school ready for her. She picked out her first backpack (strawberry shortcake), lunchbox (tinkerbell) and pencil case (disney princess). My kids have never seen any disney movies because i hate them, the movies – not my kids, so her choices were really based on what was prettiest and pinkest. And i think, fingers crossed, she's getting excited and is going to make it through this ordeal.
Parker insisted that he was going to school too ( he's not) and ended up with a "cars" backpack and lunchbag and a backyardigans pencil case. He kept saying "i'm ready to go to school mommy! without you!" When i explained to him that he would go to preschool and not to his brother and sisters school he pouted his lip and asked "what about A?"
A. is the principal at the kids school and their swim teacher. They adore him and apparently it was more important to parker that he be there than any other member of his family.
This really set parker off and as i was trying to get him into his carseat he lunged forward and bit me on the shoulder drawing blood and pulled out a big chunk of my hair all the while yelling "Dumb mommy! I don't love you!"
Normally i would let this behaviour slide off my shoulders. But, at that moment, i had had enough of fighting this week. Enough of doing my best. Just wishing that my best could be easier. That i could laugh at parker's craziness like i used to. Sad that he hurt me so much. And for the first time all week i started to cry.
I climbed into the drivers seat, took a deep breath and turned around to see the pale and worried face of my beautiful oldest daughter, tristan. She knows. She knows something is wrong. She knows when i need to sleep for an hour or more every afternoon and pay her a toonie to play with parker and lizey. When at dinner i eat nothing and walk away sadly when nobody eats what i make and all they do is complain. When all the things i used to laugh about, or shrug off make me turn away now.
I took them all out for japanese. All of our favourite. We had sushi and tempura and some cheers with icy waters to the beginning of another school year and the end of a summer full of lots of adventures.
My poor little parker is sick with the stomach flu.
As silly as it sounds i'm actually a little relieved. He needs me and i need him to need me. I'm still stinging from his anger at me for being less than perfect lately.
I knew as soon as i crawled into bed with him last night that he wasn't well. Aside from his fever i could smell the ketones on his breath. After he was sick i held him and rocked him. He would wake up every few minutes or so and ask me to sing him the "dumptruck song." A song that i change a little every time, but usually is sung to the tune of "itsy bitsy spider" and involves a construction site theme.
And so, i am actually feeling a little better.
The thing about changing your brain chemistry, which is exactly what i'm doing, is that your body fights it with everything it's got.
A friend asked me today how i was feeling, "i'm fine" i said. I really didn't know what to say, how to answer that question.
My brain is on fire and shooting me every second with little jolts of pain. I'm overwhelmed by every little thing in my life. All the little things that i have managed to keep together that make this family work. Shane came home tonight looking for dinner. I had nothing, had thought of nothing and had only managed to put the coffee on for myself for the morning. Because at least i have that. I have coffee.
The kids and i were wandering through my friends yard and exploring the woods in search of deer or some other adventure to fill these last, lazy days of summer. The grass was overgrown. Overgrown in a way that i love, not a backyard left to it's own devices by half-hazard gardening, but a backyard full of childhood freedom. A backyard that you could sit in and enjoy the laughter of kids romping through the tall grass.
As i was thinking how much i loved this backyard i realized that was it. That is how i am feeling. I was only thinking how perfect it was, not really feeling like i was even there.
I'm not liking this. I feel like some stepford wife project.
The idea of changing even the smallest little bit of who i am freaks me out. The way my head hurts and all my body wants to do is sleep, not even sleep, just lay comatose in my bed while i listen to toby and eliza play all the little games they have ritualized into their bedtime routine and parker snores softly beside me.
I guess that is the answer to "how are you?"
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I'm feeling like the little engine that could.
"I think i can (feel this crappy) for awhile longer
I hope i can (survive these crappy side effects) for awhile longer
I know i can (do this for me and the kids) until i feel better."
Luckily my life has been incredibly busy with general work for school, kids getting ready for school and trying to keep up with housework, that i have managed to stay focused, upright and awake for most of the day.
This afternoon parker asked me to play in the sand with him. All i could do was pull up a chair and stare at him moving pinecones and little hills of sand from backhoe to dumptruck and back again and admire his little banter he had going on between the dueling mighty machines.
They know something is amiss. It's not that anything is that different. We are still doing all the same fun things, going to all the amazing places our island has to offer – it's just that i'm only with them physically. Not pointing out every animal we see, picking up the frogs and dead snakes to inspect. Simply along for the ride.
When i put parker to bed tonight he called me "dumb mommy." His words stung so bad. A little piece of my heart floated away.
Oh what a weekend i have had, full of many annoyances and even, some laughter and tickle contests.
Things took a slight turn for the worse this afternoon when toby came screaming in the house "RATS! RATS! EVERYWHERE!"
Being very vermin-opposed shane and i hesitantly, yet immediately, got the story out of him. Apparently the large garden box i have outside the chicken coop where i store tarps, cleaning stuff and, most recently and brilliantly, hay for the nesting boxes, has become home to a very large family of rats.
Shane and i went to check it out and standing from a good distance with a broomstick in hand we opened the lid. And! RATS!! EVERYWHERE! They scurried deep within the box when we opened it, but we saw several, definitely more than a few. I leaned in a little closer to see if i could see anymore (why? why did i do that?) and one jumped out. Right at me! I screamed so loud and so much adrenaline shot through me that i pulled the muscles all up and down my sides.
That was fun.
Annoying things i have noticed this weekend but the drug companies assure me are normal:
headaches
loss of appetite
very sleepy
where the hell am i?
what was i saying?
why am i pouring milk and cheerios in the dog dish?
oh my god! parker! what's in your cereal bowl!