It's funny how when people start to hear that you're a little crazy they have two reactions. First, they shower you with warmth and support; or two, they back slowly away from you and start turning down playdates with your kids.
"is it me, do i smell like sadness and neglect?"
Actually, i have noticed that i do smell. I smell funky when i take medicine. My body hates it.
I went back to my doctor today. My thyroid is normal, my iron alarmingly low – but to be expected for a woman who has had Lactational Amenorrhea for 8 years. Effexor is a go. Doubling the dosage after seven days and then again after two weeks if needed.
I'm totally freaked out. The clonazepam has been nice, but kind of unhelpful. I feel calmly depressed most of the time. If anything it intensifies my sadness because i don't have to deal with the anxiety.
I'm having a hard time finding words tonight. I am having trouble talking to the people who want to talk to me, to help me, because i am so uncomfortable talking. Trying to explain it.
I am okay.
I am dealing with this in the best way i can. I am doing everything i can to keep on being a good mother, to get back to the place where i was an excellent mother. I need space and time from the people who have expectations of me. I need to hide in my bed at times, to cuddle with my kids a little bit more, to let my husband love me and worry about me.
Mostly, and hardest of all, i have to keep living my life. Doing all the things i've always done. But, i also know, that keeping on doing those things will help me to feel better.
I hope.
looking so long for the words to be true but always just breaking apart
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Isn’t it interesting how we work through things in our mind. You may have already noticed this, but you start getting pretty vulnerable in your post, but the tone quickly changes to I am okay, I am going to make it. You are, you are.
Thinking of you.
There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more than to feel you deep in my heart.
You don’t have to explain anything to us, babe. Take care of yourself first. However, if trying to tell us about it helps you figure it out for yourself, to explain it to those that can help, lay it on me.
I hope the Effexor gives you the break you need from this. It (and Celexa) worked wonders for me. Helped the depression and the anxiety.
Thinking of you…
I’m really sorry to hear people are turning you guys away because you are “crazy” That’s shitty.
I don’t think you are crazy.
Geeze if I turned away from the people I know on meds or who are “crazy, what ever that means” I’d have next no friends, no mother and I’d have to get a divorce.
Can I naively ask, is this a Canadian thing? I have a pal in Toronto who get similar treatment on similar issues-cause here in Chicagoland no seems to blink an eye to hear that someone is using meds.
Hang in there, honey. Sometimes hugs and maybe milk in fridge oh and clean underwear even if it’s still in the dryer is being a good mother.
I can’t imagine anyone reading your blog thinks for one second that you aren’t a good mother.
yeah, jess. you stink.
i’m really kidding… :)
you’re doing everything right, okay? all of it. you’re taking your time, you’re working to fix what you think is wrong, and you’re doing it for the best reasons ever.
{{{deep breaths and lots of hugs from the internet}}}
Jess-
That’s the best thing you can do for yourself…keep living every day. Take time to curl up and cry if needed and release your frustration, but keep doing things every day. That’s exactly what I have to do at times when I feel this way. Oh, how I know how you feel. Just keep going!
Keep living. It can and does get better. There are many people walking around with feelings & thoughts you are brave enough to voice in a public space. You are real and to me an inspiration to honesty.
By the way, I agree with Chantal that it may be a Canadian thing about meds because my friend from Canada was shocked at how many people in US were on meds.
Frankly, I like my friends a little crazy. Plus, I’ve seen Effexor do fabulous things. The motto in our household has always been “Better Living Through Chemistry”.
If I had kids…and lived in Canada, near you, I’d schedule a playdate immediately.
“I am dealing with this in the best way i can.”
I think that’s all anyone can ask of you. And you can ask of yourself.
Even with my wonderful friends, I felt this weirdness last week when I started to cry at playgroup lunch. Like we all don’t, even after all of it, know what to say.
That’s what it is, we don’t know what to say.
Reading this, I don’t know what to say. And I feel a lot of what you’re feeling but not exactly what you’re feeling.
I don’t know what to say.
I hope you don’t hear my silence as pulling back. I just don’t know what is right to say.
I will tell you what I know: It will get better again because I know if you hold on you will always look back and think ‘This is better than it was.’
What I’m hating right now, I don’t know if this is what you’re feeling, is that it always seems to get bad again. I don’t want it to keep getting bad again.
Maybe that’s too much to ask.
I know you’ll be okay. Not forever but you’ll have more skills for dealing with the hard parts each time they come up.
Jess, sounds like you’re doing everything you need to get yourself through, and that’s all anyone can ever do.
I have had the greatest highs and lows of my life since having my kids, and I’m amazed that anyone can get through their lifetime without getting ‘a little crazy’ at least once. I think those times are when we get to take time, and get to know ourselves better, be a bit kinder to ourselves, take life one day at a time.
I have only started reading your site since BlogHer, so I don’t know everything about what is going on at home.
But I hope that you can get some serious childcare help. Not because you can’t do it – because you obviously and certainly can – but because it would be so good for you to have a regular break.
You have the world on your shoulders taking care of your kids. You are doing a great job. It is no wonder it gets really, really depressing and hard sometimes. It IS depressing and hard.
Hang in there. And please take some no-kids-around breaks on a regular basis!!
your courage blows me away. and is an inspiration for us all.
What Krisco said.
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again…….You’ll get whole again..Keep Strong….I see the struggle and the sadness in your eyes…It will get better…