I'm feeling like the little engine that could.
"I think i can (feel this crappy) for awhile longer
I hope i can (survive these crappy side effects) for awhile longer
I know i can (do this for me and the kids) until i feel better."
Luckily my life has been incredibly busy with general work for school, kids getting ready for school and trying to keep up with housework, that i have managed to stay focused, upright and awake for most of the day.
This afternoon parker asked me to play in the sand with him. All i could do was pull up a chair and stare at him moving pinecones and little hills of sand from backhoe to dumptruck and back again and admire his little banter he had going on between the dueling mighty machines.
They know something is amiss. It's not that anything is that different. We are still doing all the same fun things, going to all the amazing places our island has to offer – it's just that i'm only with them physically. Not pointing out every animal we see, picking up the frogs and dead snakes to inspect. Simply along for the ride.
When i put parker to bed tonight he called me "dumb mommy." His words stung so bad. A little piece of my heart floated away.
i think i can
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
It’s not you that he’s mad at. Once things kick in properly and you’re feeling better, he’ll better appreciate what a kick ass Momma you are.
I admire your determination. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you but you’re doing it, for you, for your family, for us (by sharing it with us, I feel we’re all included in this -and I feel honored). I’m proud of you, babe.
Isn’t it amazing how much their little words can hurt? Even when you know in your mind that they don’t mean it, your heart never seems to get the message.
Aw, I’m sorry :o(
I know. This part sucks. When the chicks in the Lifetime Movies-of-the-Week go to the doc and get their meds, life gets perfect in about four minutes before the last commercial set. :)
For us real gals, meds take a while before you start living your life rather than watching it. But it sucks.
But you have to go this way for now. Hug your beautiful babies, Jess.
Stay strong. You are doing the right thing and you deserve a medal for trudging through this. Children do sense things but remember that means when things turn the corner they will sense that too. We’re here for you.
Not that I condone calling one’s mother “dumb”, but I have to believe that he couldn’t articulate to you how your sadness/distance was affecting him. I hate it when you’re sad.
What to say. It’s hard to be in pain when you have to be around your kids. I was in a lot of pain when mine was around 3-8 and those five years were long, long, long. But, we survived, bounced back and I honestly don’t think he remembers me being any different than I am now.
So hang in. It’ll get better.
Here via Mom’s Daily Dose. I don’t know the whole story, but I am sorry you are feeling bad, and I hope things get better for you soon.
I feel you, lady. Going to get my new scrip today. Yesterday mine told me, “You’re just a robot.” Great.
Hello, I just found your blog and forgive me for not knowing the background but your expression of your feelings is exactly where I was a few years ago. I saw mention of a thyroid test/doctor/or something. I ended up have Cushing Syndrom which is connected to the adrenal/pituatary gland which affects the nervous system. If I had not been diagnosed, I would of been on medication for anixety/depression/etc. My heart and prays go out to you regardless but I thought I would share if you have not yet pursued the route of something physically wrong. Take care!
that sucks, jess. totally sucks.
you can remind him of that on his wedding day.
{{{hugs}}}
dumb mommy? oh man.. i heart you. i hope you feel better. you’re breaking my heart
You are not a dumb Mommy.
I’m betting that Parker knows this because of his life with you and is sharing his feelings the way these little ones sometimes do – brutally.
And this is why you are trying to change things. This is why you are not dumb. This is why you are smart, honest, self-aware and an extremely giving mother.