This morning in some sort of revelation i realized that i needed to pick up my socks. Both the ones on my children's floors and the figurative ones in my brain.
If i want my heart to feel better, have some joy in my life again, i need to open myself up to it. The thing about being depressed is that it's all too easy to wallow in the muddy waters of despair. To let everything and every step you take be preceeded by an assumption of sadness.
I need to let my steps be preceeded by sunshine.
Right now parker is sitting monkey style on my lap hugging me. He came over and asked me; "are we going to die?"
The depth of emotion he feels and the intellect of his questions blow my mind. But then moments later he comes up with his chorus of poopy talk; "the poop went over the mountain…poop, poop, poop."
He is what i am thinking of when i think of sunshine. This little bundle of joy and anger, frustration and giggles.
I don't really watch television. I have my favourite shows – most of which are cable only, once yearly things, weeds, huff (cancelled?), the sopranos…
Shane has been getting in the habit of watching tv while the kids are still up, a habit which i glare at. Anyway, tonight he and tristan were watching south park when i hear tristan ask;
"what's sodomy?"
Yes. I dare you to answer that one for a nine year old.
Anyway. A long time ago i got a lovely email from a fellow asking me if i'd read a book (about dogs) and then , if i wanted, tell my readers about it. By now i'm sure you've heard about it because amy wrote about it, but because the proceeds go towards the dogs (and cats) i'm all over it.
Here's my dog:
So, the book is Duke's Tails – Duke Finds A Home.
I have a bunch of copies to giveaway. And i really want to do this. So, send me your address, by email and i'll send you the book, plus i'll add a donation to the canadian SPCA to match it.
The one side effect of the de-pprexor i hadn't counted on was the constipation. Oh my good god.
Normally, meaning my entire life up until this point, i have been one of those irritable bowel types. It's my natural red-headedness. It makes me weak and sensitive to all the rigors of life, particularly all the food in the world that is good and delicious. Especially the wine and the cheese. Being stubborn, and red-headed, i have always eaten what i wanted and felt the burden of my thick headedness in the bathroom every morning. Several times.
But, in the past two weeks all that has changed. I feel a little heavy with it, literally. I feel like the characters in that Spalding Gray story who go to russia and don't realize that all the coffee is decaf and can't figure out why they just can't take a shit in the morning.
But, alas, the drug company promises me that this too shall pass. In the meantime i will keep up with my high fibre, sprouted wheat diet and hope for the best.
I have been keeping myself very busy. Busy has seemed to help. School starts in one week. One week, and i'm terrified. Although in many ways this has been the summer of my undoing, it has also been the summer that was.
The summer that i left my family for the first time, the summer that i accepted my craziness and decided to do something about it. The end of summer means the beginning of the long lonely winter.
I have committed to the masters swim club and many long mornings with just parker. And, my god, have i told you lately how much i love him.
I am feeling? Better? I'm not really sure. The last time i tried to take any kind of anti-depressants i remember a distinct out of body sensation that i couldn't stand. This time, a whole new breed of drugs. After the first week, which really sucked, i am now feeling a little more like myself. A little bit foggy during the days and wide awake at night. Even when i sleep, my mind is racing with colours and thoughts. Bright spots that keep me awake all night.
I'm also a little obsessed with eating. I open the fridge at frequent intervals and can't think about eating anything. As a result my fridge is empty. My poor kids. Tonight we had refried beans and cheese on sprouted wheat tortillas. They were thrilled. I haven't been so disgusted by food since pregnancy, but even then i could keep on eating because, you know, the baby.
Anyway, i think i've entered a new stage of side effects. A little manic, yet not sad! Enjoy.
We spent saturday at our local country fair. It was an awesome day. There were no rides, no candy floss and no midway. There was a little parade led by a bagpipe band and followed by several community children on their decorated bicycles. All the kids got ribbons. Eliza one first prize for her fairy theme and tristan came second overall (toby and parker didn't enter.) Tristan and toby both made posters to advertise the fair that were displayed in local shops over the past few weeks. They both won huge ribbons for that as well.
The rest of the fair consisted of local booths pleading for the preservation of our little country village, the volunteer firefighters and a few local wares. Then there was the main attraction – all the competitions; everything from largest zuchini to largest dog and all the 4H animals and crafts in between.
I love where i live. Despite the long, wet winter and the lack of amenities there isn't another place i would rather be.
Three years ago, when i was pregnant out to here with parker, shane and i decided on a whim to drive up here from victoria to look at an open house we saw in a private homesellers paper. Our home in victoria was one we neither loved nor hated. It was close to town and suited us fine. We just never felt a sense of home or community no matter how hard we tried. The housing market in victoria was on a major upswing and we knew that our home was worth, at least, $100,000 more than we had purchased it for two years prior.
The first house we looked at up here in the country was okay, surprising in how much we could get for our dollar, but not good enough to sacrifice the city. Our interest was perked though so we drove around a little till we found another open house. From the moment we drove into our driveway we both knew that we had found our home.
It took awhile and a turned down offer till we took a risk and made a "no subjects" offer on this house. We put our old house on the market five days before parker was born and had three offers within a couple of days. I signed the papers while still in the hospital. We bought this house and acreage for far less than we sold our other one for. We left the city behind when parker was six weeks old.
In three weeks he will be three years old.