So, many of you noticed in the photo below my amazing gymnastic prowess and the (not so little) tattoo on my belly.
I got that tattoo in 1994. The summer of my nervous breakdown. The summer that changed my life forever. The summer that i was diagnosed as "the crazy one." Really, that's what my doctor said. Or something confusing from the DSM.
Anyway, shane and i had been dating for a couple of years and had moved to victoria together. I was graduating from university and facing a crisis of personality. I didn't know how the hell i was going to live without school. I loved university. I loved being able to blend in. Hide in the corners. Be a little weird. Have my own radio show. Go to see bands play every night. Write poetry. Live off of student loans and housecleaning gigs. Life was not abundant, but it was comfortable.
Then it all fell apart. I started to feel like i had done log rolls down hills; all dizzy and prickly with a sharp sting of despair. I started having anxiety attacks and was overcome by a debilitating depression.
I tried desperately to feel better and would ride my bicycle around downtown victoria, buying a couple bottles of beer and hiding out with a guy who owned an art gallery with little rooms in the back that were rented out by all kinds of creepy artist types. It had at some point been a meat locker and processing plant. One night in a manic fit i walked out on shane and moved into the meat locker art gallery.
I got that tattoo on my belly. It's a phoenix/tribal thing. The guy who did it said "you better not ever have kids." I couldn't imagine living long enough to have kids. I so desperately wanted to be free of the hurt in my head and my heart. I remember very vividly getting that tattoo. I couldn't feel a thing. I was so numb that the normal pain associated with getting a tattoo was non-existent.
That summer went on forever. Shane and i got back together. I came back to him a broken woman. He helped me to find the strength to get better. To take care of myself. He even proposed to me one morning in the shower. I was a shadow of my former self then, physically and mentally. I lost forty pounds that summer.
When we got married ten months later i promised him that i would always love him for the way he helped me and forgave me for the things i had done and the way he loved me so gently and perfectly. He hates my tattoo. It reminds him of that time. A time when he lost me for awhile.
navel gazing
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
perhaps it isn’t supposed to be, but it is a romantic story.
we each have scars – yours is illustrated…
oh god. that hurt me a little. in a really good way.
let’s schedule a time for some healing hugging. whaddya say? i’m impressed with the beauty of your words, jess. love them. love you.
Jess-
Winter 2001- same thing,DSM crazy stuff- losing 50 pounds, and much more not good stuff, actually, and, SO oddly , same place-Victoria.What is THAT about? (I have some thoughts on that) We were in BC on John’s sabbatical.I have not discussed it on my blog. This is where I hit a bump in the honest/openness thing- is my blog “supposed to” be real or just the acceptable looking parts, all cuted up and sanitised, which is all it is so far.
I am scared of honesty at that level in this [internet] context and I think you are brave to post about this painful stuff.
I would like to talk one-on- one sometime, if you would- do you have IM? Or there’s e-mail, but the immediacy is lacking.
It runs in my mind that you don’t really like hugs- I may be wrong; if so, here is one.
I am glad the girls party was so great- I love situations when I get to be 9 again! It’s a nice age.
Grammacello
Wow, this is an amazing story of personal triumph. You’re a very strong woman.
Those pain years. I don’t think everybody has them, but so many do. I know there were years in which I cried every day, and the sense of pain was constant. Now it’s gone completely.
Maybe having the tattoo to remind you both is a good thing. Those years brought you to where you are now.
We have all something dark in our past, believe me, I do, with my ex and the horrible break up….you are strong to have over come it and moved on with your life, many women can’t overcome it…..I too, have overcome and moved on…although I have to deal with my ex frequently because of the kids, I am now ok with it, although, too, my husband hates him and hates everything he had done to me.
Beautiful post Jess.
Amazing story.
I hope that one day the tattoo will symbolize to Shane what you came through together. What he helped you come through – back to him.
This is a lovely post and I can relate. I don’t have the physical image to mark a similar time in my life, but I thank the stars every day for my partner who brought me through my darkness to a much healthier, better place. Thank you.
wow. i’m kind of speechless. i’m too chicken to write about how i can barely keep my shit together… but it’s true.
thank you for writing this.
Wow, a tattoo with a story. Very cool! Thanks for sharing your story/life with us.
What is it about real life pain that causes us to get tattoo’s? I got mine last december when my daughter was stillborn because I wanted to feel the pain outside, because inside it hurt so bad I thought it would crush my heart.
And it did help, for those 30 minutes, while I got the tattoo.
Great writing and pictures. I enjoyed!
The more I know about my girlfriends, the more I discover the types of challenges each person has gone through in her life. Is it being a woman? My guy friends don’t have those stories — or don’t share them? I’m glad you shared yours. A tough time, but you made it through and you’re now raising four beautiful kiddos and creating a new and lovely life for yourself.