The onset of summer vacation happening simultaneously with my head injury has called to question every last bit of calmness i have.
I try not to yell at my kids, i really do. I can often be found face down on my bed trying desperately to get my heart to stop beating so furiously. These days i feel furious. A lot.
Eliza, bless her little dimples, pushes every single button i have. Constant whining and obstinance combined with her velcro personality is wearing me down. I know she's getting ready for the big leap to kindergarten and acting out and being defiant is her way of working through all her emotions around her impending seperation from me. But still. Where's the love.
I am still continuously amazed at the thanklessness of this job. I have gotten so much more than i bargained for. So much more love, dirt, stress and poop than is humanly fathomable.
I plan every day around the kids. All fun, all the time. Yet, they are so thankless. I know i can't make them understand the life-changing sacrifice i am making, staying home with them. But, it can be damn frustrating.
To further my insanity i am taking them all camping on monday, by myself.
Yesterday one of the kids spilled a glass of something on my keyboard and rendered it useless. The worst part? This is the third time it has happened. Three keyboards lost to juice boxes.
This is a pattern in our lives. When we got new carpet in the playroom last year we were "never, not ever! going to allow food in this room again!"
Then we had the great mouse infestation of spring 2006 which made us renew our pledge "we will never again! allow food in this room! we suck!"
Last night after the broken keyboard incident and a moldy yogurt tube under the couch we have renewed our pledge "we suck! and we will try really hard to never, ever (except during survivor) have food in the room (oh, also after the kids go to bed it's okay) again!!"
I'm not alone here right?
Well. This has been fun. The concussion? It sucks.
But! A nice thing has happened. A joyous thing actually. A thing so wonderful i am mad at everybody for not letting me in on the secret earlier.
Babysitters!
I am in love with my new babysitter. She's been over twice now. Without incident! As a matter of fact the kids all ask me when she's coming back! They ask me ALL the time.
She's fun and cute and responsible. Everything you could want in a babysitter.
The first time was at night and i went to a meeting. Boring. Yesterday she babysat so that i could go spend a lazy afternoon on the patio of a local cidery with other moms and the teachers from the school.
Although my head was hurting the thrill of an afternoon off – guilt free – was awesome. Awesome!
It was hard returning home to children. I just wanted to go right back out. Soon though.
Except babysitters? Damn expensive.
So. I got beamed in the head with the softball last night. I was tough. After a few minutes laying in the dirt feeling disoriented and dizzy i sat on the bench for half an inning, then went out again. After another inning i realized that i couldn't think straight and felt like i was only visiting my body.
Later on at home i started to feel really bad and barfy. I spent most of the night in emergency. I have an inner ear injury and a concussion.
The veterinarian on our team said that if i start walking in circles it's time to shoot me.
I'll be back in a couple.
xxoo
When i was in university i had my own radio show on the campus radio station. My show was called "my grandmas big red car!"
I loved doing my show. Spending hours in the record and cd library. Fondling stack upon stack of 7" records. Picking out two hours worth of music. Then locking myself in the booth and turning the speakers up really loud for my show.
I never really knew how popular my radio show was. The CRTC said that every phone call counted for 700 listeners. I usually got four or five calls. That was good enough for me. There was a fine balance between being too popular, which meant the music you were playing was a little bit too mainstream, and being a navel gazing loner.
I feel that way when i look at bloglines and see how many people subscribe to my blog. How many people would one subscriber represent? How do i compare to other people i really like? How about those ones that i secretly lurk on? And, crap, i am NEVER going to get that many!
So many people talk about commenting and comments, traffic, blog courtesy, blah, blah, blah. I can't keep up with all that and frankly, i don't want to. I love getting comments and i always check out the blogs of commenters. I comment every now and then. I just don't have time. I appreciate all the blogs i read. I appreciate everyone that reads my blog. Isn't that enough?