Apparently we are ALL grumpy and, mostly, it's our spouses making us that way.
I couldn't sleep last night because i kept thinking of things to add to my grumpy list. Funny thing though, once i wrote out my list, had a couple glasses of Yellow Tail, watched the Lost finale and giggled with shane a little about the first comments i got from other grumpies, i felt pretty much all better.
That's the magic of this whole blogging thing for me. I write down what i'm feeling – happy, sad, mad, depressed, lonely or whatever – i write about it and get some kind and wonderful feedback and my problem feels much less like a problem and more like a shared experience.
The girls have been busily helping me bake and bake some more for the school fair this weekend, Children and Apple Pie.
Eight pies are sitting on my counter in preparation for baking. Also, rice krispie squares, sugar cookies for decorating and chocolate chip shortbread squares. Unfortunately, all these recipes only used two eggs and with my chickens producing ten or twelve eggs a day i am officially up to my eyeballs in green eggs. Want some?
I am preparing for birthday party number two in a series of three. I set expectations way too high when i went all out on a harry potter party for tristan last year. She invited her whole class. When they arrived i sorted them (with a sorting hat) into houses, then they decorated wands, guessed how many bertie botts every flavour beans were in a jar, had a find the snitch treasure hunt, broomstick races and a few others. Teams earned points for their houses. It was totally fun and i was proud of my efforts, but this year i am way too tired and busy to come up with anything half as good, so i am putting the pressure on for a little sleepover action. We'll see.
Toby, who's third in the series, wants a party at the playground at school and a thousand army men to play with. Sounds good to me.
I am grumpy. I am so grumpy. So! I thought i'd share because everyone loves grumpiness right? These are the things that are making me very grumpy:
- eliza keeping me up for four hours last night crying and wimpering that she was scared. After the first couple of hours and having her right beside me i stopped being sympathetic.
- grumpy kids today.
- my husband being the coach of baseball and patronizing me and the other women on the team.
- stinky chicken poo.
- stinky dogs with fleas and no money for Program or Advantage until next week.
- the 80 hour 7 day work week that shane is maintaining.
- facial hair – what's that about? it's age isn't it. stupid age.
- cooking – breakfast, lunch, dinner infinity – daunting.
- laundry – this is the rest of my life.
- a long to do list that i just cant get through.
- no more greys anatomy or survivor.
- stupid periods. eight years without was good.
- shane and i forgot our 11th wedding anniversary last saturday and i made the fatal error of telling him it didn't matter. I will never get my spa day.
Tell me what makes you grumpy. Really. I want to know.
I actually used my widget calculator and i have been a parent for 3270 days!
You would think i'd learned a thing or two in that time. Not really.
Today eliza, parker and i were driving along and eliza was expressing her new voice of choice – loud, aggressive and angry. I was getting upset with her asking her why she was being so nasty lately. And rude! She was being rude. She just kept yelling "NO!" at me. I was trying to get her to work on her 'K' sound as in "it's c-at, not ch-at." She was hating me and i was hating all these damn years of speech therapy. So, i was mean and rude and yelled at her.
Three minutes later she vomited all over herself, the carseat and the car.
Right. That explains the grumpiness. Poor girl.
Extreme grumpiness, almost always, has a reason behind it. Lesson learned. Car stinky.
Okay, i admit it, i'm a mess. I'm socially inept, cold sore ridden and full of self-doubt and anxiety. I'm lovely. I'm a blogging loser. My heart starts to skip beats and my palms sweat when i go to leave a comment. I try hard. Really i do. Always reading, admiring, nodding my head in agreement. Yet, i can't say (or type) a word without sounding like something i am completely not. This whole social system is awkward and i feel like a dopey nerd stumbling through it.
Today when we were in victoria tristan asked me "why does everybody look different here?"
I gazed at my four children. Unkempt, hair full of tangles, cinnamon toast remains on their cheeks, slow mall walkers. Everybody else was keeping steady paces, looking clean and groomed and with places to be and no time to waste.
"Because it is different here."
That was the best i could do.
And it is different here too. On the internet side-road of blogging. People are different here. They are nice and caring and warm and inviting. Clever, charming and smart. I feel like the country folk, if the country is thirty minutes from the city.
Despite my springtime happiness i have been experiencing regular anxiety attacks. I feel my chest weighing down on me and feel like i am dying. I think through everything i have to lose. It's unbearable.
This thinking about goals and careers and blogher.
And this morning i pulled out an old, old bra that i haven't worn since 1997 and it fit me again. Bye bye breastfeeding boobs. I won't miss your massive size.
So many changes. So many birthdays. So many bloggy friends to meet.
Today is victoria day. A day of lazing around and may showers and, obviously, a trip to victoria to see a kid flick.
Eliza's birthday is next week and we had her party this weekend. We invited five families over for a barbecue and wrestle in the sandbox. That would be twelve adults and sixteen kids. Brave me.
Eliza had a wonderful time. Being the centre of attention is difficult for her, but she got the hang of it and by the time everybody left at 10pm she was leading the pack in a moonlight fairie hunt.
