It seems that i can't leave the house these days without really pissing someone off. Everybody is mad at me.
Except parker and eliza. Eliza has declared herself the organizer of spring. Every morning after tristan and toby head off to school she comes up with our plan for the day. Three days this week the order of the day was a park at a local river complete with suspension bridge and frogs. Lots of frogs. One morning we made the mistake of taking the dogs who scared every little frog away to froggy hiding places. Today though the frogs were in full spring bloom.
My family is not speaking to me, nice people have sent me nice emails and i've answered them all wrong or not at all, parents at the school are mad at me and they're taking it out on my children and i pulled a muscle in my thigh playing softball last night. I forget about these things as we go about our simple daily adventures. But they are always there too. Weighing me down.
I'm not used to people being angry with me. I'm a nice person, a little odd sure, but gosh darnit people like me. So, if i've managed to piss you off too please forgive me i didn't really mean it.
I have this ongoing problem with toby. He's obsessed with guns and army. Somehow in his boyhood imagination the army and guns have become the most desirable answer to all of his questions.
"If there is an earthquake the army will save us."
"Apparently there IS such a thing as a net gun. Did you know that mom?"
When he brought home his pottery from his class a few weeks ago you can guess what he made right? Lots of guns. Except, of course, they were not guns when i asked. They were beavers and puppies that just happened to look like guns. Tristan though? She came home with puppies she had made and big piles of brown clay puppy poo. Of course, that was not poo either – just chocolate ice cream.
I always explain to him that i don't like guns. Guns kill people. We are lucky to live in canada because guns are not really a threat to us. People use guns for hunting, but we don't believe in hunting either unless it's for the purpose of survival.
I've even gotten upset, which i know is absolutely the wrong tact to take. It just really bothers me. I am strongly, no vehemently opposed to guns anywhere.
He is starting to get the message.
Yesterday, he came home with piles of boxes and other recycling stuff. He disappeared with his glue *gun* and an hour later came marching into the kitchen to show me what he had done:
"It's not a gun mom! It's a space shuttle!"
Right.
Just to clarify. I am not destitute. That is definitely not the image i am trying to portray. We live paycheque to paycheque. We are often broke, or run out of money before payday. Mostly because we have extra healthcare expenses that most families don't have to deal with. But, i live in a wonderful house on a beautiful piece of property on one of the most gorgeous islands anywhere. My children are happy, clothed and fed. We live a life full of adventure and fun and laughs and tears. I really couldn't ask for more and feel so very fortunate when i think about all the financial and political hardships facing people all over the world. I also feel lucky to have this place to talk about the small problems, and i know they are small, that challenge me every day. I do believe that "every road is a hard road" at times.
That being said i have been considering going back to work. It would mean giving up some things. Like being president of my kids school which has been one of the most fulfilling things i have ever done. Being president has also given me the opportunity to be invited to a Black Tie Gala this weekend as the guest of a local millionaire. Another opportunity to wear my fancy high heels i bought at christmas. But, i digress. I have been thinking of going back to work. It's just a thought right now because the hurdles of childcare and keeping my allergic eliza safe have seemed insurmountable. I am working the plan though.
With every child you have these decisions become so much more complicated. My children, obviously, are very opposed to the idea. Tristan says "but you're already a junior writer!" Part of me wants to work for the escape and part of me wants to be accepted by the world outside of this as something more than a mom, something with value. Something like blogshares where i can go and see my value in concrete numbers. I make this much money which makes me worth this much in comparison with others. Always the need to compare. Also, i went to university. I had a plan. I didn't figure into that plan how much i would love and need to be near my kids and how much they would love and need me.
Anyway. I have a plan. I will unfold the details right before your eyes.
I've been dealing with all kinds of heartache that i can't talk about, but in the interim things have been going great. I love spring. No, you don't understand. I spent the entire winter living just barely on this side of such sole crushing sorrow that i thought i wasn't going to survive. That life would never be the same for me.
And yet, here i am. Walking tall, collecting frogs at the river, inspecting every flower as it peeks through the soil, eagerly awaiting the birth of our chicks in ten days and generally enjoying every little detail of life. Including, of course, my beautiful children. I love spring.
You know what i don't love though? Being broke. More specifically being at the grocery store check-out knowing that you only have $85 in the bank and watching all the produce items check out at slightly higher than anticipated. Then, of course, the humiliation of having to put back items when you know damn well that every single one of those items is much needed, yes even the $3 belgian chocolate bar. I'm female dammit. I need chocolate during very specific moments and it has to be there when i need it.
Anyway, this happens to me pretty often. I'm wondering if i'm the only one. Judging from the scorn i get from the cashier i am definately a royal pain in the ass and making me feel bad about attempting to live without credit and within my means is totally okay and even encouraged. It's the same as all the people who make you feel like crap when your two year old throws a hissy in the middle of the automatic doors and won't get up.
But i will not let them wreck my fabulous spring. Even if it only lasts a few days. This spring is awesome, with or without credit.
