I have this vivid memory from grade two. I'm running down a small hill, out of the woods, and onto the playground. For some reason this boy, anthony, is mad at me. As he sees me coming, limbs flailing, he sticks his arm straight out with a fist at the end. I run straight into it, belly first. It was the first time the wind was knocked out of me. Such a horrible feeling. As a mother i have watched numerous kids live this uncomfortable experience – wind knocked out. For me it was a profound moment. A moment where i realized that i was not in control of my body and it did things i didn't like.
That is how i feel right now. Spring came up a week or so ago. I was elated, running through the fields, arms wide open channeling sound of music elated. Then, somehow, this life i thought i had all under control punched me in the gut. The ripple effect (not only from belly fat) has sent me reeling. My mind does things to me that i do not like. Twelve years ago i was diagnosed as bipolar, actually severe depression with rapid cycling hypomania. Most of the time since then i have remained firmly rooted in my non-medicated just getting by and i really love my family way. Lately though? I just don't know.
I'm feeling confused and sad and full of anxiety about many things, mostly about eliza and toby, but i can't share yet. Also, money and going back to work and my unfulfilled career and dreams of a career. I can't even speak the right words to shane without being all blubbery and "whatever" and turning to the computer to escape. And i am up way too late. Again.
And so? And so please excuse my wacky, without a point posts. I'm in turmoil.
And i'm feeling like i can't do this anymore.
Today was a day of playdates.
I have been trying to get eliza to be a little more social. So, twice a week we have been picking up one of her friends from kindergarten and having them over until we go pick up our and their siblings. Because eliza has never gone to preschool all of her friends are by proxy to older siblings. It works well. For now. She is really getting bored with me. On the days we don't have a playdate she nags me minutes after every activity "i'm bored…"
On to parker.
Every night for weeks when i put parker to bed after our "i love you's" and "sleep tight's" he leans in close and whispers in my ear "maybe tomorrow i can have a playdate with roman?" Of course tomorrow comes out as "oh-morrow." But it's so cute and i always say "we'll see."
Roman is the older brother of one of toby's good friends. He is in grade six. Whenever toby is at their house for a play i make sure to arrive half an hour early to pick up so that parker can play with roman.
Today! All of parker's dreams came true.
We had playdate! Roman was the sweetest, most loving friend to parker. They wrestled, played in the sandbox, had snacks and when it was time to say goodbye parker crouched down beside the sandbox and said "Roman! Go away! I'm pooping!"
So far, so good. No nits here. I scritched and scratched all day. The minute shane walked in the door, before hello, came "do i have lice?"
and "How the hell do i know for all the gel and shit you have in your hair!"
Forget the kids. I am a wimpy wimp ass when it comes to all things buggy (with apologies to chair.)
The kids at the school (who had lice) are pretty much the most popular kids ever in my household. I love them so much and so do all my kids. Every single school day ends with at least one of my children wrestling or hugging one of them. I was pretty darn sure that today would end with nits nesting in our thick hair.
But, for once, luck is on my side AND i just happen to have loads of tea tree stuff. So we have all been bathed and sprayed and brushed with the tea tree oil.
Thanks everybody. Obviously we are not out of the woods, but having escaped round 1 lice 2006 is a celebration worthy of a beer. So, beer it is. Soon i will be instant garbly messaging.
All the bug thoughts got me thinking of two things today.
First, i have been so caught up in the lice i neglected to have a 1000th comment contest and the opportunity has come and gone. I think the online poker guy won anyway.
Second, how i hate bugs. I've learned to deal with them outside. I just walk away. Except when the ants invade the sandbox. I still haven't figured out how to get rid of them every spring. There are so darn many of them that even the chickens can't keep up. And! If i let the chickens eat the ants in the sandbox? Then i have a sandbox full of chicken poo. Double gross.
Last spring the ants invaded the inside of our house. When, after a few weeks, they persisted despite my best efforts i bought those ant traps. After placing them for a day or two i was horrified to realize that the poison is hidden in peanut butter! Thousands of little ants marching around my house, my house! with allergic eliza! with peanut butter poison all over them. Sucky.
Then in one of my worst waking nightmares a huge carpenter ant crawled over me in my sleep and as i sleepily grabbed it, IT, took a huge chunk out of my cheek. I woke shane up and showed him the dead ant clutched in my fist and the blood dripping down my cheek. Fucking mattresses on the floor. I was tormented a few more times last spring by spiders crawling over me in the night until i finally figured out to close my window. Fresh air be damned.
Really, i should have known that bugfest was upon us as i found two huge spiders in the bathroom, just last night, mere hours before the lice outbreak.
So really, i'm overwhelmed by all the love i felt today regarding my little toby and then the advice on lice! And i have retreated into feelings of unworthiness and insecurity and i am thinking of filing suit against shane for false advertising as he weighs AT LEAST seventy pounds more than when we married. Sorry if that is lost on all of you.
xxoo
jess
Help me!
I just got a call from school that there is lice in BOTH my kids classrooms! Aaaaaaaahhhh! Fuck.
Commence scratching of head now.
What do i do? What works best?
I should just shave everyone's head right?
*scratching head*
Help me please. I'm begging.
I know, i know. I'm all down, down, (boring) down and then happy, happy, (sore wrists) happy. I dunno. It's how it flies here. But, my wrists and fingers are still aching and burning, but my lovely sister-in-law hooked me up with some supplements and also some oil of oregano for my ugly cold sores. I'm waiting for improvement. In the mean time? Awesome! all around.
I'm feeling all bummed out again for a multitude of reasons, first of which is that i have so much to do in every corner of my life that i just. can't. get. started. So today i spent three hours outside collecting enough fallen branches for another bonfire and hacking down my kazillion ferns so that they would grow fresh and new for spring. Plus fern clippings burn like crazy.
Tomorrow? For dinner – hot dogs and marshmallows over an open fire. Awesome!
The biggest thing that is getting me down is my little toby. A few weeks ago his teacher prepared me for the fact that they would probably hold him back at some point before grade four (he's in grade one now). It's been keeping me up at night and causing me all kinds of stress. I just don't think it's the right thing to do. I really feel that the emotional burden on him will be more than his little tender heart can take. And then there's the guilt.
Guilt is something that i think we all deal with on many different levels every single day – especially as parents. With tristan, my oldest, i spent hours and hours teaching her to read, doing homeschooling programs, making whimsical art projects; but every time i added a new child to my family mix my time and energy for enriching activities has been depleted. I get caught up in the woulda coulda shoulda's when it comes to toby. If only i had spent more time doing his speech therapy homework back when he was two years old and completely non-verbal.
Guilt is a hard burden to bear when you have a child with a disability, no matter how insignificant that disability may seem. My son is having a hard time. He is frustrated and sad and ashamed. Those feelings burn through me at an exponential rate when i see them in him. And there is so little that i can do.
I just want to make it all better. I want to not be angry. I want to not be angry with him when he gives up so easily on everything because he knows from personal experience that trying to fix his problem is so damn hard and takes so long. How can i explain to my six year old that two hours every week of speech therapy will pay off in the end when he only sees it as time taken away from his classroom with his peers. Time when they are learning other things like reading and writing. Learning things that he needs to be learning too. How can i fit all this into the already busy day of a first grader. How do i explain to all my children that we can never take holidays or even go camping because we spend every extra penny we have on one child's speech therapy. How do i explain to our families how desperately we need financial help when we are re-mortgaging our house for the third time to pay for speech therapy?
Wallowing in it. And i'm sorry.