One of the things lacking from my rural home is a lack of colour. More specifically and without meaning to be politically incorrect, i miss my gay friends. I live in heterosexual land. To be fair we do have a couple of wonderful two mommy families at the kids school. I am grateful to have them around so that my children can be exposed to, at least, a little bit of "alternative" lifestyle. As an aside i hate having to say alternative – what is the better way to say that?
Anyway, before i dig myself into a hole any larger, i have missed my friends in the city from all different walks of life. Until a few days ago.
Our new neighbour had noticed my chickens across the road (why do they cross the road?) and came over to introduce himself and ask if he could buy eggs from us. The kids and i went over later with a couple dozen eggs for him and he introduced us to his partner. Another charming fellow. I don't know if it's wrong of me to be so thrilled to see some new character in my neighbourhood, but i really want my kids to meet and know all the different kinds of families and people there are in the world. I want them to be compassionate and caring and respectful. I want them to know that the world is wide open for them.
The funny part is that the following day i noticed a big pile of feathers in the yard and a hen was missing. I mentioned to the kids that checkers the hen was missing and we went on with our day. It actually snowed on saturday so the kids and i went to search out toboganning spots in the neighbourhood. As we passed our new neighbours house i saw him out on his step and waved. He yelled out "Jess! Is that you?" I walked up his driveway to say hi and he continued with:
"I'm not sure how to tell you this. I feel so bad. As i was walking my dog by your house earlier she ran in and caught one of your chickens! I chased her home and then she just spit it out. The chicken seemed fine and so i thought she'd just go home. But, i came outside an hour ago and she's sitting by my door and she's really freaking me out!"
I couldn't help but laugh.
He said "I can't believe it. You meet your neighbour one day and your dog eats their chickens the next!"
"Don't worry" i told him and went and scooped up checkers.
"Oh my god! You just pick them up! Carry them around!"
The chicken was fine. She has a few puncture wounds – nothing life threatening. And now my new neighbour, fresh from the city has a good story to tell and hopefully i have a new friend on the block.
My anxiety levels are rising and falling. I can't find any trigger or 'thing' that starts it. Last night i had several bad dreams again. This morning i woke up at 6:00am and thought i wouldn't get back to sleep, but i woke up an hour later sweaty and full of adrenaline. I dreamt that eliza and toby went missing. Most of my bad dreams involve losing my kids. It got much worse after parker walked out the door and down the road last summer. He was only 21 months old. It will forever sit at the front of my most terrifying moments memories.
Then this morning i find this blog. It just makes me so sad and scared. Scared that all of this can be lost.
It's really the hardest part of being a parent isn't it.
Tonight as i was putting parker to bed we were chatting and snuggling and enjoying each other. Every night when i put him to bed i sing him a few songs, itsy bitsy spider, you are my sunshine and take me out to the ball game, then i kiss him and tell him i love him and i'll see him in the morning. Then he says "i love me too mommy. Night night. Sleep tight. See you in the morning." It's all so damn cute it nearly kills me.
So, before our ritual tonight, but when he knew it was time, he looked at me with his bottom lip puffed out and quivering "still no booby mommy?"
"No parker. It's all gone now. You're doing such a good job."
"I really miss booby mommy."
"I know baby. Me too."
I swear at that moment i almost gave it all up and whipped it out for my baby. The quivering lip? It kills me.
Besides, i'm really not seeing the benefits over here. For these nine long years i have been dreaming of being able to take medicine when i'm sick, drink alcohol without guilt, have my formerly small boobs back, and lose these extra pounds that THEY told me would come off once i finished breastfeeding. Fat storage my ass! It's just fat and it's here to stay apparently. Unless of course i actually do something about it.
I took medicine and it totally freaked me out. Drinking? Eh, whatever. I never really worried anyway because there is no way i could live for nine years without alcohol. And! And! MY BOOBS! They are still huge. Well, huge for me. (This should be a good google night) I am comfortable as a 36B or even C. That is the way i always was and that is what i want back. Even if they do sag and my nipples are radically different from the nice little flat, pink ones i used to have. Even if all those things why are they not getting smaller?
So? Why the hell did i do this? Oh i know, i know! The whole having to go at kindergarten snack time and give him his booby thing.
Last night all the kids decided to sleep i my bed. Again. It's been nice having shane away. Except that i have been staying up way too late. Really enjoying some solitude. Generally puttering around the house for hours every night. No television. Just the blissful sounds of silence.
When i put the kids to bed we were all saying good night to each other john-boy style. Each taking turns saying good night to everybody. Several times.
When parkers turn came he lined up his water bottles above his pillow.
"Good night water. Goodnight other water. Goodnight oldest water. Love me water."
I think my boobs have been replaced by a line up of water. And apparently he loves them more than all of us.
