September 2005

My husband wanted to write in my blog last night. He wanted to write a love letter to television. Here it is:
Dear TV,
I love you. I love the wonderful shows like Lost. I even love Martha Stewart Apprentice. You help to pass the time while my wife plays on the computer and for that i am happy.
Love, Shane
My children are all off to camp this morning. Actually just the big two for a whole school campout and as they are not that big – me and the little two are going too. We'll come home tonight and lucky Shane will get to spend a night without his love and me as he sleeps on the cold, hard floor with Toby and Tristan. Sometimes a cold, hard floor is the best revenge.

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A magical thing is happening at my house right now, something so wonderful that only parents with more than one child will understand: the double nap. Tristan and Toby are at school and i don't have to leave to pick them up for one hour. Parker and Eliza are both sleeping. One Hour. Both Sleeping. Heaven. Only once in my life have the forces all come together for the triple nap and that my friends is a story for the books.
But today. One whole hour alone in the house. I should probably nap too; but instead i will drink tea, blog, read and laugh the freaky laugh of a sleep-deprived woman.
So on sunday we went for our hike up the mountain. About ten minutes in we were both red and blotchy and trying to enjoy nature; "look (huff) at (puff) those (huff) beautiful (fuck) trees." A few minutes later we were wondering how much further when an elderly couple jogged past us. Soldier on! Ten more minutes we passed some kids on horses and asked how much further? "About another half an hour." High five we've been walking for half an hour. After about two more minutes our weary out of shape lump sacks of bodies could go no further. We turned around.
Shane: "why do you keep looking behind you?"
me: "i keep expecting to see a cougar charging at us."
We then picked up our paces and started re-calling stories of cougar and bear attacks glancing backwards constantly. Soon enough we were hauling ass back to the car. Time of entry back in car? 22 minutes after departure.
Wimps.

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So, i've been thinking a lot lately about feeling sad, overwhelmed, insecure, lonely – you name it. I know so many women who have been feeling really bummed out. Myself included. But, for me, at some point you just have to shake it off. Start to see things a little more clearly. There is a song by some canadian guy who's name escapes me, but he says "every road is a hard road." I believe that.
I am a lucky person.
My family has had it's share of tragedy, trauma, drama. Two years ago when Parker was two weeks old and my sister's baby was six weeks old my mom fell down the stairs while holding the baby. Little Tegan flew out of her arms and landed 10 stairs down on the hardwood floor. For a few agonizing days we thought she was going to die. At first she had many seizures which calmed down and eventually went away. She also seemed to be blind and her eyes constantly rolled sideways. Her left fist stayed clenched for months. Over time, with lots of intervention and work, she grew and thrived. She is pretty much perfect.
My point is that that was a really bad time. I lost my mom and my sister for a year as they just couldn't be around me and my children and especially Parker who was the same age – but fine. We have all had bad times. At some point we heal from them, learn from them and grow from them.
I am ready to do that.

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It feels like a list kind of morning.
1. i stay up way too late
2. 2 year olds in camoflauge undies are c-u-t-e.
3. i have fallen in love 5 times – four kids + one husband
4. have you ever seen "Cathouse" – that is porn.
5. porn on tv at 9 at night – for free.
6. how the hell am i going to protect my kids.
7. i know – no tv.
8. it's almost impossible to make good tempura at home.
9. sunomono salad too.
10. yippee – it's sunny today.
11. my mil is coming to visit/babysit.
12. we are going to hike up the mountain.
13. then probably tumble down in exhaustion.
14. i get sadder the later i stay up.
15. yet, i keep staying up.
16. Parker is still sick.
17. our (hot) dr wants to start him and Eliza on a medicine that's not approved for kids.
18. probably will because we live in fear of the bird flu – among many other things.
19. i have all this traffic from north vancouver – home of my family.
20. i know who one is, but the rest freak me out.
21. new carpet is expensive! chopping down trees too.
22. both of those are happening here.
23. i now get 10 eggs a day, give or take. 3 green, 2 brown,4 small, 2 extra small.
24. bye for now.

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