As my body has done this (see picture) four times and my boobs have nursed said offspring for more years than is probably right, I am looking a little haggard. I am also 35, not old – but not young. Not young in the way I once was. I can't spend sleepless nights and bounce back. Well, on second thought perhaps I could, I just can't spend almost 3,000 nights sleepless and bounce back. Could anybody? Holy shit 3,000 nights of sleep deprivation! No wonder my mind drifts in and out of conversations so that I am often left staring blankly back at someone with only uh-huh?!…? left to say while begging in my mind that I am not really appearing to be as big of an idiot as I feel like I am.
So, my body or lack there of. I weigh about 10 pounds more (140 pounds) than I did when I started having kids, but my boobs… well, my boobs they are huge. So, I account five pounds for that and I am weaning soon. Really, I am. No, this time I really am. So, not bad for a mom of four. But, I have so many problems.
I'll break it down into two categories: top and bottom.
The girls are not what they used to be. Now they are more like old timers on holidays. Like I said my breasts are huge, at least for me. I used to be a nice 36 B or C now, more like 38 D or DD depending on when the last mealtime happened. I fear the worst when I wean. I have been wearing a bra for those 3,000 sleepless nights in hopes of avoiding the sag. But, I fear the sag is there regardless of any lame support that these nursing bras have been providing. Also, once for a brief period of time between baby two and three I only nursed on one side and my left breast shrunk down to almost nothing. But then I got pregnant again and forgot all about it. Now, there are no more pregnancies and I remember that deflated little watermelon.
The bottom or more aptly front bottom. I have had three cesaerean sections which have depleted my tummy muscles to such a degree that I still have trouble sitting up from a lying down position. Plus, I am, you know, a lazy ass and can't be bothered to get into the habit of doing sit-ups every night when I could be sitting here writing for nobody. So my almost flat tummy is mushy and gushy and if you squeeze it in just the right way it looks like another bum – a front bum. To make matters worse I have a big honkin tattoo on said tummy. You can see it in that photo up there. Smart. It says a lot for my mental state that at 23 I felt getting a big tattoo on my stomach by some guy in the back of an art gallery would be cool. So, the tattoo has been stretched in and out four times and it looks a little rough. Plus, my husband hates it because it symbolizes a time when life really sucked for us.
Anyway, my brother is a big wig plastic surgeon and told me when I was done having kids he'd fix me all up. What the fuck? How can I deal with that? I am terrified of pain since getting flesh-eating bacteria after my last c-section, I hate the idea of a long recovery. BUT, BUT, BUT! Holy shit! Plastic surgery at a discount and I could look really hot! But, but, but…. do I care and what am I saying to my kids if I did do it and what the hell am I thinking anyway. Shit, I need to sleep,