Shit, shit, shit… what the hell was I thinking?
Literally 30 seconds after I got all four kids in the car Tristan and Toby started fighting. And they fought all the way home for a full hour. And then… they fought all afternoon. Now they are in bed and I am drinking a beer dammit. They mostly fought about, get this, Harry Potter. Tristan is a fantastic reader for an 8 year old and is reading The Order of the Phoenix. Toby can't read and I am reading him The Chamber of Secrets. He doesn't think it's fair that she's ahead of him. Plus, she got The Half-Blood Prince in Vancouver. Try and explain to two kids that that is a dumb argument. Go ahead and try. I dare you.
Also, my mom taught Tristan that Betty Bolter tongue twister and she has some of the words wrong and I tried to teach her the right way, but apparently I still don't know anything.
Shane is flying somewhere over Jen right now and should be home sometime in the middle of the night.
I have been eagerly trying to read BlogHer after-posts but some people seem to be unaware of my need for updates and are traveling or some other bullshit. Blah.
The whole BlogHer thing is literally making me feel like the whole blogosphere is quivering in excitement. At the starting line waiting for this brave new blogiverse to start. It's an exciting time and I'm eager to follow the change.
They are coming home! Toby returned a couple days ago from his adventures in grandpa's world. These adventures included bb guns, slingshots, lots of tools, bow and arrows and a canoe ride. How can a mother top that? Not that I in any way condone those activities but being not related to grandpa by blood has it's disadvantages.
Tristan comes home this morning after a long ride on the ferry. I have never been away from her this long and I really missed her. Yet, I'm sure we both enjoyed the break as well. My 8 year old girl is precocious and beautiful and a know it all. She thinks that everything I say is wrong. I keep telling her that I'm actually kind of smart. I am a university graduate. I even have a most of a masters degree. Means nothing.
She won't say she loves me. I bug her on the phone "I love you Tristan…" and she says "uh-huh". She's a tough nut.
I have been enveloped by a bad thing called envy. I want to be at BlogHer; although looking at the photos there are lots of cool people there but all in all not that many people which would make me very uncomfortable. I sort of picture a room full of uncomfortable introverts. Isn't that who blogs anyway?
I also envy anybody who can sleep. Since I have four kids and they go to bed between 8 and 9 pm if I am to have ANY time alone it has to be at night. I often stay up way to late. Like last night. I went to bed at midnight. Really, not that unreasonable, but, Parker has taken to waking up at 6am. That's only 6 hours. Also, he wakes up at least 4 times in those six hours. God help me. I need sleep. I need some space. I think I am going to force wean him. I'm going to go away for three nights and let Shane deal with it. Is that terrible?
Also, I've been going to the beach a lot lately and some people have really hot bodies. I want one of those too. I am just too damn lazy to do any exercise except bounce on the trampoline.
Mother. Not all the time at least. Sometimes in these small hours of the night I am something different. I am me.
And right now, I wish I was on a plane to anywhere really, but BlogHer would be good. Shane is on a plane to Halifax. He is away, again. And I miss him… and my kids. Toby comes home tomorrow, Tristan not so much. I miss her, but she is having too much fun at the chez mansion of her Aunt (my sister) to come home to me.
And there I had nothing to say today because I am missing everyone, but I said something.
I still miss them, but we had a nice day. Eliza is a joy to be around and happy to run in the sprinkler for hours while i sing 'ring around the rosie' 500 times. (Is it ashes ashes or husha husha we all fall down?) It was nice and I was generally happy to have happy kids. I've just been thinking about how really lonely and hard it is to be a SAHM. I read this today and i felt bad for her, really bad. But i don't know SJ – at all – and i am really lame at leaving comments and so instead of trying to offer my thoughts or well wishes to her i sat and stewed about it all day.
And i thought about being a mom and how hard it is and how every step is hard.
And i also thought about when my second child, Toby, was born and how fucking hard life became. For awhile. And then magically when he was about 10 months old life became easier. I have fond memories of being out all day with Tristan and Toby in the bicycle trailer and zipping about everywhere. They were both really happy at that time. Probably the happiest they ever were, at least the best the two of them ever got along. And then I got pregnant, again.
I think some of the hardest days of parenting I've had have been when I was pregnant and parenting at the same time. During your first pregnancy, even though you are working, life is simple and revolves around you and the wonderful thing you are doing. You can sleep and eat and shop and do all those preparation things at leisure and at your owh whims. It's kind of magical. As well as those first few months with the first child. They are magical, personal, private and peaceful moments that you can never appreciate until you are ripped into the reality of being a mom to more than one. I am not a yeller, but i have yelled a lot when i was pregnant. I have felt shame about my parenting skills during those days. Being pregnany can really suck when you have other kids. People assume you're an expert and therefor you aren't afforded all the luxuries first-time mothers are. You can't languish in the miracle you are creating because that first little miracle needs you – Now!
And so I felt bad, because those are hard times and saying "It will get better" doesn't help, at all.
Plus, everybody is going to BlogHer and I'm not and I want to beat you all up. And if I was going I would totally know what to wear.
