Ha, no really we had one. One absolutely perfect day. Today is Eliza's actual birthday and as such was her 'special' day. We didn't do anything fabulous. We hung out together, had a few friends over, went to Mcd's for lunch, played at the school and had her favorite dinner followed by a walk around the block and cake. What made it absolutely perfect was watching her and realizing how she has grown and become more confident over this year, a big year full of lots of changes. Eliza has had on-again off-again health issues since she was born which have resulted in several hospitalizations. This year she outgrew an anaphylactic allergy to dairy and gained control of her asthma thanks to Singulair. She also had her first birthday party and her first attempt (and failure) with preschool. Today, for the first time ever she played with another little girl at my older kids school and she almost talked on the phone several times today. Really, she's a perfect little four year old girl.
Yesterday we had Eliza's 4th birthday party at the local bowling alley. She has never had a party before as she has never really had enough friends to fill a party. This year we pulled one together with her speech therapy friend and a couple little sisters from school. It was uneventful and cute. I forgot to put the battery in my camera before we left and now feel like a bad mother as I totally missed preserving the day.
I lay in bed this morning remembering the day she was born. It was such a hard time for me. Not just because of the whole trauma around her birth, but the subsequent stress and depression from it as well as dealing with three little kids – 4, 2 and new, and the 75 pounds I gained during that pregnancy. My husband is self-employed and his availability as "dad" has always been dependant on how busy and stressed his work life is. During my post-partum he always seems to be at his busiest and least available to me. I have my suspicions that this may be unintentionally intentional. He has a really hard time dealing with the lack of intimacy post-partum, particularly after a c-section. I think his worry about not hurting me easily turns into resentment. So, I have always felt extra alone and lonely right after the birth of all my children, ppd. Post-partum depression. I think I have been dealing with ppd in varying degrees for the past 8 years. My oldest daughter has her birthday next week, which will make it 8 years since all this began.
What a crazy, wonderful journey.
Yesterday my kids school had their bi-annual Sharing Gala. The whole school, all 55 kids, go down to the little community hall and each child does a short performance in front of the school and various parents. My daughter, Tristan, played a Menuet in G Major on the piano and did fantastic. Then Toby played a solo on his pint sized drum set. Toby, who we were so worried about getting along in school and being too shy, marched up in front of everybody and played not a short little drum roll but a long Led Zeppelin-esque drum performance. It was heart- wrenchingly cute, hilarious and prefect all rolled in to one. He stole the show. Then as the topper Toby's little best friend, Nicky, went up and sang "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day acapella. It was the funniest, bravest performance ever. The whole song, humming and everything. What a great day. What a great school.
Well, i'm not really alone i'm home with my four beautiful children, but my husband is away. It's all good though except one thing. (well, a few things)
Last night at 1:30 am I was sleeping as all good mothers are on a school night when I was awoken by a little tickle across my neck. I sat up with a fright and felt that little tickle roll around to the back of my neck and I swatted it and the little fucker (whatever it was) bit me! I jumped out of bed, flipped on the lights and my finger was bleeding and a large chunk was missing. My first instinct was to scream the scream that would wake all those beautiful children. Instead I calmly ripped apart my bed and eventually found a large carpenter ant crawling in my sheets! I killed it and flushed it. Do you think I could sleep after that? No, because where there is one ant there are MORE! I itched and fretted for three long hours before I eventually fell asleep in a worried slumber.
Tonight, before putting the little beauties to bed I vaccumed my room and searched every crevice and corner and I think it is all clear. But, will I sleep?
Then, I came down to watch tv and blog a bit and what do I find crawling on me three times? Three different fleas! Bugs. I hate bugs. I live in the forest and am surrounded by bugs and they are invading my home and I will never sleep again. I have put dvantage on both my dogs, Doodle and Lucy, but I won't sleep because I'm itchy and scratchy and alone.
Dammit.
Fucking bugs.
I have, what I believe to be, the worst sleepers in all of north america; perhaps even the world. My children all woke up every two hours at least from the day they were born until well past two years of age. This has been going on for nearly eight years. I have not slept more than two hours in a go since 1997. No wonder I feel like crap mixed with a little euphoria.
My sleep debt must be running at around 1000 hours or more. I wish I had the constitution to be tougher, I wish I could 'ferberize' or some other magical sleep solution but the truth is I love sleeping with my kids. Oops I forgot to mention that part – all of my kids sleep with me until they are about two. Hmmm, I see a pattern here. Anyway, Iove sleeping with them and seeing there little faces beside me, knowing they are safe beside me. It makes up for it, except for nights like last night when not only is the baby up all night, but everybody else wakes up too.