Twelve years ago, or so, shane was in a band that was moderately successful. They had a cd that was played on college radio, charting nationally, and a video played on MuchMusic. At the time i was recovering from going crazy after i graduated from university and shane took me under his wing and protected me and licked my wounds. He made me better. He made life worth living and asked me to marry him. I am eternally grateful and in love with him. It wasn't easy for him, loving me.
But he did. And i loved him too. A lot.
So, back then i always wanted him to write a song for me. I wanted to hear in words how he adored me. He was never able to do it.
This holiday has been a little bumpy for us. That's okay though. Bumps are good. He didn't give me a gift for christmas. We agreed on that, but i still held out a little niggle of hope that he would.
Today, he gave me a gift. The greatest thing anyone has ever given me actually. This morning on my iPod i found three songs that he wrote and recorded on GarageBand. One, "happy to get you", he wrote for me.
The holiday has turned. What a wonderful way to end the year.
************************WEEKEND UPDATE***************************
Totally got lucky!
We have settled nicely into this whole vacation thing. The kids have been staying up a little later and sleeping in until 9! in the morning. I have been staying up late as i like to do.
I think the hardest part of parenting for me is the whole morning thing. I'm really a mess until noon or later. I don't really come to life until the evening. It's not unusual for me to turn the music way up while i'm making dinner and get all the kids to dance with me. Normal people's lowest time of day is the beginning of my high-point.
The best gift this holiday is lounging in bed in the mornings and sitting up late – guilt free and alone – at night.
Come next tuesday i'll be singing a different story. Actually, there won't be much singing – a lot of yelling – for instance:
"get your asses out of bed!"
"you're going to be LATE for sharing!"
"DADDY'S LEAVING!!!" "AND I'M NOT TAKING YOU IN MY JAMMIES!!"
"Forget about your teeth! Nobody will notice you stink!"
and most definitely
"WHAT was I thinking!!!"
The thing is, that love, you know THAT love – it makes you forgive. Because no matter the hurt you may feel inside. You know that the person snoring beside you is the one for you.
Plus, who else would have you anyway – you crazy loony toon.
So, christmas has come and gone, as 2005 will soon as well. Shane didn't really do anything wrong to make me so mad and sad and pissed off. He was self-indulgent on christmas morning. Feeling sorry for himself and stressed by all the work, or lack there-of. Watching the gluttony of gifts toppled him over the edge. I saw it happen. I saw him thinking "fuck". I saw him abandoning me and the kids for his self.jpgty. And i was pissed. I wanted him to see it for what it was – christmas morning with our beautiful children who still believe in the magic of christmas and who love us with every ounce of their being. Our children who grow so fast it freaks me out. Our children whom i want to share this intense love i feel for with my husband, who i also love intensely and, at times, hate intensely.
But, he isn't me. I need to let that go. Wanting him to see the world as i do. He sees it differently. In dollar signs and hours worked – and the correlation between those things and happiness. I don't get that and he doesn't get me. Sometimes.
But, now? Now i love him again. Because he is here and he is, well, him.
