Hope Bomb

fear

I have a fear of being judged. I'm pretty sure we all do. I wasn't aware of how much this fear was holding me back, keeping me from opening up. This fear based thinking makes me reactionary. When shane and i argue (which we do often) i couldn't hear what he was saying because my reaction was always on the defensive. Nothing revolutionary, but a surprise to me.

Part of this fear in me is because i have been judged over and over for the past several months. There is a person in this world, whom i have never met, who has two blogs and a twitter account and probably other outlets that are all focused on a deep hatred for me.

Every single thing i put out on the internet is judged in immediate stinging words. Over the months i have kept telling myself don't look, don't read, don't participate. But, i just couldn't stop.

I never acknowledged or engaged in any way, but would sit up at night wondering why. Why is this person doing this, and why is it hurting me so much.

And then i realized i don't like this feeling of being judged. I don't like this. This is taking my energy away from where it should be, it is creating a fear in me that doesn't need to be there. The people who love me don't judge me. This has nothing to do with me. This is only a reflection on this other person and their own fears. The words they are saying are more about them than anything to do with me.

And so? And so i just don't care anymore. I'm going to continue writing and reading and living my life with a great family, i will not be put into some self-imposed hiatus because of it. Instead, i'm moving on, letting go and letting that hatred fade away. I'm going to not let this fear hold me back anymore.

whatever

   

taking a break for a week or twenty.

xo

be prepared to bleed

Summer is drawing to a close. The air has a crispness that wasn't there just a week ago.

Summer isn't my favourite time of year anymore. Being the entertainment director to four children who would watch TV all day if left to their own devices is infuriating and futile. Work is in full swing, wealthy cottagers filling the restaurant to capacity every night. Relentless heatwaves that make training for the half marathon painful and nearly impossible.

That being said, there is the little sadness that the beginning of school brings. Another year older, another holiday gone with more left unchecked on the list of "things to do this summer" than things crossed out with the black felt pen.

It's been one year since my the house fire. The day that sits up there in the 20 worst things that have happened. And it is true that in the end i have a safer, prettier home. That doesn't really change the trauma that stays with you after an event like that. It's one of those life events that most people can't relate to.

As far as my love life goes, it goes. It goes well, it goes not so well. It is up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right. Sunshine and lollipops.

It has been about five months since i started running. My goal used to be to just finish the half marathon on October 10th. Now i want to do it in under 2 1/2 hours. I have learned about things like pace and training. I know my body way better now and i understand just how hard i can push it, how much pain i can take and in return my body is turning into something i don't recognize - strong and lean and muscular. This running thing? Running has changed me. It helps me deal with every other aspect of my life with confidence and strength and a whole lot less fear.

52 days

   

I got an email this morning that my half marathon is in 52 days. I felt a little overwhelmed, perhaps a little nervous. I've had the flu for a few days and i hurt my hip on the plane home from New York.

I went to physio the other day and after some shaking and yanking and pushing and pulling everything felt back in line. Right. I walked out without a limp and the hint of a spring in my step. I went for an awesome run that evening (14k!) and felt great when shane picked me up.

It all kind of went downhill from there. After the short car ride home i went to get out of the car and kachump, my joint had slipped back into the very wrong place. I iced and i moaned. I hate being hurt, not in a wimpy way, but in a really grumpy way. I sent everyone to bed as they had all had the flu and i was on barf watch for the evening.

I started watching "She's Having A Baby" and feeling a little melancholy for those old days and how things aren't really as they are in movies or even as they seem. That rushing gurgling sound started up deep down inside me. That "oh no!" moment. That moment you know you and the toilet are going to become good friends over the next 24 hours.

So, now i'm a day and a half past that moment and starting to feel a little better. But, a little worse too. My hip (SI Joint) is definitely not right and i'm going to have to go back to physio and it's not looking like a quick fix thing.

I have 52 days to be healthy and ready and today i'm just angry at my body for not letting me do what i really want to do. I want to run. I want to run until i disappear. I want to run until i catch up with myself. I want to run until i collapse in your arms.

i don't believe

We were in the car happily singing and chatting, my oldest daughter asked me "do you believe in god?"

And just like that my world collapsed for a minute.

I want to believe in god, i want to think that i will get to spend the rest of time knowing what will happen. Watch my children from some heavenly place. See them grow old and succeed and fail. Fuck it all up and figure it out again. Fall in and out of love. And love until they bleed.

But i won't. And that hurts more than any words could do justice to.

I saw death. Perhaps one could argue that i didn't see death, i just saw complete unconsciousness. But, that's not true. I saw the end and it was nothing. There was no regret or longing. No rush of memories or flood of guilt. It was nothing. It was gone. For a split second my world was black and there wasn't a single thought, a single feeling in my body.

And that is the closest i will ever come to a religious experience - the complete absence of anything.

And i tell my daughter "no, i don't."

memento

My mom sent me some old notes and cards i sent to my grandparents as a child. Most of them are from when i was five years old and were transcribed by my mom. I really liked what i wrote in one in particular which, i think, shows the beginning of my sensitive personality. Here is what i wrote in the winter of 1976:

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,

I like that outfit you gave me for Christmas very much. I hope grandpa it is nice down there. I wonder how you guys were doing down there. I got a blue bike for Christmas and i hope you had a very nice Christmas. I hope your dog is a nice dog and everything is nice up here too.

I just hope you and Grandpa are fine down there. Everybody in my family is nice. It is snowing up here very much. Our dog is nice.

Love,

Jess

xxxxxxoooooxxxxxoxox

I wrote all the x's and o's and included a drawing of our dog and me. I just love how i am so full of hope and want everything to be okay and "nice."

I really adored my grandparents as a child. They lived far away for most of my childhood and most of my interaction with them was through the mail. I loved getting packages and cards from them - the lost art of handwritten correspondence.

I really miss them.

the time spent alone

While i was in New York i kept having this sinking feeling that i really am awkward, strange, weird. That the reason i always end up spending a majority of my time alone at these things is not a choice, but, a result of my personality.

When i step out from behind this screen, when i step out alone, i am terrified of talking to people. I still do it, but often end up creating a really awkward environment around me. So, i disappear. I wander around in art galleries and parks and wonder how to fix this. How to do it right.

I figure if i haven't learned yet i'm kind of stuck in this gangly brain of mine that thinks too hard and fast. That can't put the right words together to say the things i want to say. That over-thinks, over-shares and is outright all too sensitive.

I felt really overwhelmed this year. New York is big and fast and busy. Thousands of bodies and cars and tall, really tall, buildings. I felt suffocated by lack of space. Inside the hotel was a crazy mad dash of people and parties and noise. I couldn't find familiar faces and when i did i lost them in a sea of bodies.

So, what does it all mean? I really have no idea. Perhaps people don't see this in me. Perhaps it is all just some crazy reflection i am seeing. Perhaps this is the charm of me.

last of the last times

So, i returned home from New York totally exhausted. I didn't sleep very well while i was there and woke myself up snoring on the plane several times (sorry guys on either side of me.)

I had a good time and, as always, had some insights into my personality and saw lots of really great friends and met a bunch of new people.

While i was away Shane made a music video which includes some rather unflattering side shots of me, but i still like it nonetheless. Shane's album is really great and i'm proud of him for getting it done, but, it is really hard for me to listen to because it's all about our break up and years apart. But, if i learned anything on my trip it was how much i adore him and want to be near him forever.

You can find him at his website Faith, My Atheist Love

sensitive in the city

It's about this time in my weekend in New York that i start to really miss my family. It happens every time. I think it's being around someone that really knows you.

Perhaps this is the fatal flaw in picking schmutzie  and the palinode as my roommates. They are here, together. I'm just a fly on the wall in this room above Manhattan. Other years when i've had single, female roommates i've had the built in go to person. You leave your room together and you kind of naturally form this hangout bond.

I've also had some crappy luck. I got (another) UTI within hours of getting here and had to fork out way too much money to get antibiotics as a canadian. They start to work right away, but leave me feeling kind of crappy.

Anyway, i'm not really complaining. It's just been a different experience this year. We are in a huge space and there are a metric tonne of people here. I think i've seen most of my friends and hung out and witnessed some pretty awesome moments. And, it's only half over.

The run in Central Park for Tutus For Tanner was great. Really great. And if that's the best thing that happens then it's been totally worth it and a pretty fantastic weekend.

I heart New York or something

I peed in my closet last night, just for a couple seconds, then shane yelled "What the HELL are you doing?" I guess he woke me up because i've never been more embarrassed in my life. I have no idea how that happened. I guess i was sleepwalking or something, but i peed on my closet floor last night.

And now i'm in New York. Actually i'm writing this on the plane, but will post it once i get to the hotel. This is all strange past/present/future.

Anyway, here we are. All us thousands of bloggers, PR people and what-nots and i guess this is really the best time and place to launch this brand spanking new blog of mine. It's the same, but different. I'm going to focus more on the good stuff all around. This might mean you have to listen to me talk about running sometimes. Change also means i have a couple different pages now, blogs within blogs if you will. If you look up at the top there you will see a Photos tab and a Music tab. I'm going to try and post stuff in there regularly, i'm not sure how that will come through in my feed. There are lots of things i'm not sure about, like how to post. I'm new to TypePad and i'm hoping some kind people in New York will give me a couple lessons.

Anyway, there we have it. Straight from peeing in my closet to New York and a HopeBomb!

I should also tell you that SweetBlogDesign tool care of this whole shebang for me. Tracey is the evil mastermind and her boyfriend lent me my new name. Schmutzie designed the masthead and my business cards you will receive if i see you over the next few days and Dawn did all the other stuff and was so patient with me and all my spam comments.